~ the road is life ~

Spring for my Soul

I've just changed the colour scheme of my pitas page to shades of green. The black, grey, and white scheme, so zen-like to me previously, has become a depressing reminder of the dark state of the world in general, and my life in particular. Which gives me pause to wonder if some day I might not find my idealised future room (in black-grey-white scheme as delineated below) depressing as well. I guess it's all in the mind, and depends on one's mood at the moment.

Note to self: Have a scheme in orange and yellows as well! Which was another colour scheme I was considering anyway. For those dark days when I need cheering up.

I still remember a time during my secondary school days, or was it JC? when it caught my fancy to wear clothes that matched my mood. So I'd wear red when I was angry that day, black in a foul mood, yellows and other bright colours when I felt cheery, and whites and some blues were for neutral days. - I was quite a funny little kid.

Today I saw Kelvin Teo at school. Or rather, I was leaning on the Old Theatre doors, reading the Beaver, and technically guarding the door and doing my job, when I heard "Elaine". I looked up, and Voila! I was stunned. It was like seeing someone from the dead. No wonder a couple of days before I thought I saw Kelvin, but told myself I must've been hallucinating, for what would he be doing here? - Not very bright was I that day!

I saw Keval as well today, after the commercial law lecture. He came up to say hi. I was very surprised and very pleased to see him, which was also surprising, and I did a half hug-cheek thing to him. It's been a long time, and he seemed quite happy to see me too. Which is good. After the entire summer, and then our fall-out at the end, I'm glad it's all still good. Seeing him, I momentarily forgot how upset and disappointed I was with him.

Mai came over, and I was like: Mai this is Keval, Keval this is Mai. And she was like: Keval? The name sounds familiar. I'm like: He was at UBS with me over summer. She still looked puzzled, so I went: Oh, and he's also the guy I had a crush on previously. Recognition dawned on her face. Oh, you're the one. And Keval is like: What have you been telling people about me?

And I was like: Yeah I used to like his smile and his voice. But now that I know him, his voice is just irritating, cos it's too soft and I'm always like: What? Pardon? Excuse me? I like it this way, us being good enough friends to be chill about it. It's funny really, how I started off disliking him at first sight without knowing him, then developing a huge crush overnight, then now I've reached equilibrium.

Other parts of my life are not yet in equilibrium. Every time I think I've settled down (and accept my fate doing equity sales), something else comes up to give me previous, yet painful hope (morgan stanley interview) which torment me with the possibilities (oh investment banking..) and pitfalls (i tanked at the interview cos I was unprepared and my interviewers were cornering me. plus, how can I re-extend my UBS offer by just two more days, if necessary, please??). Ah... the emotional roller-coaster that is an ambitious woman's heart.

I pray for peace.

...says i on Tuesday, October 7, 2003 at 11:55 p.m.

Spring for my Soul

I've just changed the colour scheme of my pitas page to shades of green. The black, grey, and white scheme, so zen-like to me previously, has become a depressing reminder of the dark state of the world in general, and my life in particular. Which gives me pause to wonder if some day I might not find my idealised future room (in black-grey-white scheme as delineated below) depressing as well. I guess it's all in the mind, and depends on one's mood at the moment.

Note to self: Have a scheme in orange and yellows as well! Which was another colour scheme I was considering anyway. For those dark days when I need cheering up.

I still remember a time during my secondary school days, or was it JC? when it caught my fancy to wear clothes that matched my mood. So I'd wear red when I was angry that day, black in a foul mood, yellows and other bright colours when I felt cheery, and whites and some blues were for neutral days. - I was quite a funny little kid.

Today I saw Kelvin Teo at school. Or rather, I was leaning on the Old Theatre doors, reading the Beaver, and technically guarding the door and doing my job, when I heard "Elaine". I looked up, and Voila! I was stunned. It was like seeing someone from the dead. No wonder a couple of days before I thought I saw Kelvin, but told myself I must've been hallucinating, for what would he be doing here? - Not very bright was I that day!

I saw Keval as well today, after the commercial law lecture. He came up to say hi. I was very surprised and very pleased to see him, which was also surprising, and I did a half hug-cheek thing to him. It's been a long time, and he seemed quite happy to see me too. Which is good. After the entire summer, and then our fall-out at the end, I'm glad it's all still good. Seeing him, I momentarily forgot how upset and disappointed I was with him.

Mai came over, and I was like: Mai this is Keval, Keval this is Mai. And she was like: Keval? The name sounds familiar. I'm like: He was at UBS with me over summer. She still looked puzzled, so I went: Oh, and he's also the guy I had a crush on previously. Recognition dawned on her face. Oh, you're the one. And Keval is like: What have you been telling people about me?

And I was like: Yeah I used to like his smile and his voice. But now that I know him, his voice is just irritating, cos it's too soft and I'm always like: What? Pardon? Excuse me? I like it this way, us being good enough friends to be chill about it. It's funny really, how I started off disliking him at first sight without knowing him, then developing a huge crush overnight, then now I've reached equilibrium.

Other parts of my life are not yet in equilibrium. Every time I think I've settled down (and accept my fate doing equity sales), something else comes up to give me previous, yet painful hope (morgan stanley interview) which torment me with the possibilities (oh investment banking..) and pitfalls (i tanked at the interview cos I was unprepared and my interviewers were cornering me. plus, how can I re-extend my UBS offer by just two more days, if necessary, please??). Ah... the emotional roller-coaster that is an ambitious woman's heart.

I pray for peace.

...says i on Tuesday, October 7, 2003 at 11:55 p.m.

staying on

Today I went to IKEA to shop with Carolyn, Jurui, and Jean. Bought a love dark grey metallic shelf. My room is so tiny with so little surface area to put things that I *have* to get something or just DIE (esp of the frustration and messiness). It took me and Jean FIVE hours from the time I paid for the shelf to get back home. What a nightmare it was! - It wasn't TOO bad for me. But it was an experience for Jean, which I think is good (for her)... I mean... once in a lifetime you know. She's been really really nice about it. And I really appreciated it.

Even though it was a mini nightmare, transporting my shelf back, and especially inconveniencing Jean (who I barely even know!!), I think it was definitely worth it. As in.. I feel so happy now and I love it. And it's all worth while now that I've decided to stay on here after uni. It will make my life so much more comfortable. And I can use it after in my next house (if I don't stay on in this house) as well.

I love having a pretty, quiet place of my own to call home and do with as I please. My little piece of heaven. And recently I've taken to really enjoying life... like I'd take the trouble to cook food I like and arrange it all on a big plate so I feel happy and contented eating it. Once I even sliced avocado and mozzarella cheese and ate it as a starter! How hedonistic is that? Although this is the case only when the mood catches me. - There are other times when I eat absolute RUBBISH.

And I think I'm going to get powerful desktop soon, so I'll have my own space that I can customise and do with as I please, instead of always worrying about my disk getting full, as is the case with my dismal, 6GB laptop.

And the thought of getting a nice double bed, minimum. Preferably KING size! :) I'd love to have a huge bed to roll around in, and to laze about and read, watch TV and just generally leading a languorous life. In a wonderfully masculine room. I'd like to have black sheets on my king-size bed. With either white pillows (not my preferred colour) or grey ones (much better), with a grey-black-white colour-combination duvet cover. Added to my dark grey metallic shelf, and my black and white hangers (bought from last year), it will all be almost perfect. I love a crisp, modern room. But more importantly, a strong masculine bed. I hate the whole girly thing. And no flowers and roses for me, thank you. Which is not to say I don't like the whole dreamy fairy-tale princess atmosphere in a room. That's nice too. Except that I think it would be too unlike my personality for my psyche to be at ease.

I think things are beginning to settle down and life is going to get more comfortable for me, going forward. This year I'm going to enjoy myself, study hard, and not worry about anything... getting internships, a job, or money (when I Present Value my future income stream). I'll try not to be frivolous of course. But at least I'll be more willing to go out once in a while,go clubbing, buy nice furniture... etc. I went to the first LSE Crush this year. It was quite fun. Xinmin, Carolyn and I went and we cut the queue with Ming Da and his friends. It was quite interesting cos Kenneth, Ming Da's friend was hitting on me. This happens rarely enough for it still to have novelty. I think I'll go to the Boat Party as well, cos I've never been. And I'd like to go with Mai to watch arty films. And sit down in Cafe Nero, talking and watching the people go by. Join societies, or the gym.

I pray for peace.

...says i on Monday, October 6, 2003 at 12:18 a.m.

Talking to my firm

Just went in to talk to my boss today.

It's such a difficult task. On one hand, I love my boss (not the romantic kind) so much, and I don't want to disappoint him, yet I don't want to offend him.

How can I not do one or the other? By dead insisting on IBD, I'm afraid I'm offending him by saying I don't want to do Sales. What reasons can I come up with which are not offensive? And I can't say that I definitely just DON'T WANT to do Sales, no matter what. That's a sign of irrationality, which is not good. But if I'm so over-adamant against Sales, I clearly must think it's a crap job or something. And that's an outright insult to him.

So I came up with this cock and bull story about not wanting to make wrong 'calls' to clients about the direction stocks or the markets are taking. And now he thinks I lack confidence, which is a major NO-NO for the industry.

And he said that it's disappointing that I don't seem more enthused about the industry. The thing is... I dare not seem enthused about Sales. And how can I display enthusiasm for IBD then?

No matter what I say about IBD, he comes up with an argument against it. I say I like the long-term project-based nature of the work, that I like juggling many things at the same time, that the skills are more generalist, vis-a-vis Sales, which require you to do two things (analysing and selling) really well. Then HE puts words in my mouth by saying that I think the Sales job is one-dimensional.

Can I not say anything right? I don't want to alienate the Sales-people in UBS, and all the people who I've met and who have been so wonderful and supportive. But I want to make a stand to try and have a chance at getting what I want.

Matt... I AM decisive. But you want me to tell you why I want IBD over Sales. And that is difficult to say without sounding insulting to your profession. And James T****** called Matt up in Spain about my case. And I know James doesn't like IBD. He thinks they're a drain on the firm's resources. So how can you say there is no tension between the divisions?

Whatever I say about preferring IBD over Sales, you come up with things counter-arguments: (I take a longer time to warm up to people and don't think I'm an obvious Salesperson) I think you're personable and will grow into the Sales role, (IBD requires more generalist skills while Sales require you to do two things - analysing and selling - really well) No I think Sales involve people-skills and these are very basic skills which you need everywhere (I know that!!! but you miss the point, kind sir.)... and I can't even use the i-hate-making-small-talk excuse, since he told me that his WIFE says that, and he thinks she's just shy, which is so true. But to say I'm shy (which I have already intelligently declared to the entire Deriv desk in an email (black-and-white!!!)), would be a death knell to any prospects for my future career in UBS.

But my boss says he thinks I'll be a good Salesperson blah blah I'm intelligent blah blah enthusiastic blah blah that he's impressed blah blah. - If he really thinks so, why doesn't he try harder to keep me within the firm then??

Maybe the way to have sold it was to say my skills are better suited to IBD. Which is what I intended to say, going in. But I was too nervous and didn't know what to expect. And mostly, I think I've dug myself deeper into a hole.

He says it just so happens that my sponsor happens to be a Salesperson, that's why I'm in Sales for now. But when he asked me, but if you were in Sales, would you still think about going to IBD? I had to say 'yes'. Because that's the truth. - No matter what, there'll always be that lingering curiosity about IBD and that desire to leave Sales for that.

He looked disappointed as the "talk" went on. Cos I knew I was mucking it up really badly. I'm sure he doesn't understand why I want so badly to join IBD. I can't tell him the truth ultimately can I? I'm afraid I'll never have the chance to go over. I feel that I could do more. I will have spare capacity if I worked in Sales. - Strangely enough, no matter how often people, and who asks me why I want to go over to IBD, I can never answer truly and convincingly. Perhaps because my mind just doesn't work that way. I'm not rational and logical. I just WANT something. And I'll just sit there, obstinately WANTING it, without any logical reason. Once I decide on something, practically nothing in this world can change my mind.Even if now, sentiment and affection for the people on my floor, have split my mind, such that I am no longer so FURIOUSLY adamant about IBD (as compared to before, although I am still adamant by normal standards) because I feel supported by Equities.

However, I must not let any sentimental reasons cloud my judgement. Because the only reason why they are supportive of me is because they think I'm a capable individual. I'm just a good business proposition. It's not like they care for me beyond what I can bring to the table. Which is nothing exactly, at this moment. So now that know I'm neither enthusiastic, nor confident, they won't want me anymore.

But I AM enthusiastic! No one who knows me can say I'm not enthusiastic. But true enough, I'm not enthusiastic about Sales. And there's nothing I can do about that, is there? Other than try to change functions? And I can't fake enthusiasm Matt. I would have taken the job anyway, only because I need it. And if that's disappointing, I can't help it. Perhaps what you find more disappointing is that I was going to take it WITHOUT that enthusiasm. Maybe you think I'm being wimpy and chicken-shit for not taking a stand and fighting for what I want. But I'm trapped by my circumstances, which I can't tell you about. But anyway, James knows about my loan. And I said my parents said go for it, so at least you'd think I did it for my parents. Which is true. Except that I never asked my parents. I knew what they wanted and I just tried my best to do what they would have wanted. And I'm confident in all ways except for that one which I told you about. But now both of you think it's a bad thing that I'm not confident. I'm confident in every other way other than this. - Is that wrong?? Can a young person not be slightly less confident about ONE aspect of her ability?? I have a strong opinion on every other damn thing alive.

I just hope Matt will still think I'm a talented, confident, intelligent individual who will be successful in future and can contribute to the firm. And I hope he will STRONGLY recommend me to IBD, but take me back if I flop there. But somehow, I think that won't be the case.

Oh Lord, how did I get myself into this fix?

...says i on Wednesday, October 1, 2003 at 05:37 p.m.

Brave New World

Life is starting again today, and I feel my heart quickening.

- Yesterday I spoke to Xinmin and Mai on the phone. Mai and I especially caught up with a summer's worth of gossip... of our fling-less summer drought, boys, heart-breakers, what courses we should take etc. And I've just come back from Oxford, from visiting Jackie - also catching up and chatting and being outrageously girly.

Today I went to school. - Little clusters of students dotted Houghton Street. Everywhere, there were smiling faces and greetings, as the reunion of friends took place. The atmosphere was relaxed, and it my mind, it was another one of those shining scenes of happiness. We all of us had time to stand and talk, for the moments, without the worries and stresses that the school term brings upon.

As I was registering today, a Indian-American General Course student stood in line behind me. I started chatting to him, asked him about himself, his background, course etc. He's an Economics student from Cornell, who's in his senior year and has to return to Cornell for a last semester in residence in order to graduate. Not having decided on my courses yet, I asked him what courses he was doing. He said Development Economics. I was like: "I'm doing that too!" And then it was my turn to register. I was like: "Well, I'll see you around then." "Will we all be in the same lecture?" "Yeah." And I realised I forgot to ask his name. "By the way, my name is Elaine." "I'm Neil." "Well, I'll see you around then."

I'm not usually a friendly person, and tend to be stand-offish to strangers. But I've just realised that it can be nice talking to random strangers. And I'm just thinking this could be a good year after all. - Few Singaporeans and Malaysians would take a course like Development Economics. I probably won't know anyone in the course. So I'll be meeting new people. And I wonder who I'll meet, what lies around the next corner? It's only such a pity that it's only in my third year that I will be meeting new people. Cos everyone is already in cliques, and I won't get to make really good friends for keeps probably. And besides, this is my last year. I really really regret not making better use of my time before. I've been far far too inward, insular, and introvert.

Summer has made a real difference to me. I'm far more confident now. Not as confident as I'd like to be, but I know more, am more certain about myself, know what I want, and am more assertive about getting it now. - I have to admit though, that this is a lesson learnt only after going to Oxford. - Not really actually... but it depends. My condition is not yet stable and is still dependent on the evolving circumstances.

One thing though... I always think I learn most during my summers. - The first summer of my life, I went to the States, and that has made all the difference in the world to me. I became more open. This summer has made a world of difference as well. And once again, I've learnt a bit more and hopefully learnt to be a bit more open.

For the first time ever, a white guy asked me out (for a date?? Is a movie considered a date??). And the very first day we met at that! Being hopeless with guys, I cooked up what would sound like the lamest excuse possible - shopping (me!! shopping!!!!). The next time, it was shopping again, then that I was tired. The one which took the cake, was the one about jogging with a friend! And finally, that I was depressed (about my exam results) and am not the going out kind anyway (what a lie that is!! I wanted to kick myself the moment that left my mouth).

While this encounter turned out disastrously, at least I've learnt from it. And the next time a guy asks me out, especially the first day we meet, I'll just say yes. I hope there will be many many guys in my life, cos I'm always blowing up the first encounter with all guys. The first time a guy said he liked me, I shouted at him (my reaction to declarations of 'like' has only improved after several disastrous encounters). The first time a guy asked me to dance, I panicked and said 'no'. The first time a white (or any!!) guy asks me out, I seem to rebuff him a gadzillion times, when it wasn't even like I wasn't interested. - I *was* slightly interested, although NO ONE (not even myself) could have told that from my actions. - I panic so easily you see, and don't know how to react.

At least now my confidence has been boosted. And I've learnt now... that it's just the way it is here. If guys are interested, they don't beat about the bush and just ask you out straight. It's just a cultural difference. And it's nothing to be so terrified about. Just go out. What harm is there? If nothing else, you can make a new friend. I am way way way too serious and serious-looking all the time. Just today when I was working, this guy teased me because he said he couldn't resist it, cos I looked so serious.

It's great though. It's not just me having all these no-guys problems... there are other swinging singles like me. Including this German girl who I think is pretty. It's reassuring to know that girls all over are the same. And I like the whole singles thing... the bond created by shared commiseration that only single sisters can appreciate.

As I said though... it's a pity that this is my third year. While I felt very happy today that school is starting, that my beautiful, cosy set of buildings that we call "LSE" is beginning to stir with life, that familiar faces and voices will once again populate these familiar walls, at the same time I feel a kind of bitter-sweet sadness that I will soon be leaving this place which I am now so fond of, which could have been so much more of a home, than it has been. I should have done so much more... with my time in LSE, in London, in UK, in Europe. I berate myself for my cowardice, my timidity, fear of that beyond my comfort zone, for my own little demons that have held me back, for I have to be accountable for my oown actions. I alone am responsible for my life. I should have learnt these lessons about the West, its culture... earlier. I should have been more confident, more capable of coping with more situations, including white guys, earlier. I should have been more aggressive, more assertive, more focussed, earlier.

But I've only just 21. I've only just turned adult. Is that not excusable then? I am young. Can youth not be pardoned?

But perhaps that is worse - That energetic youth should be so timid and restrained. This is practically a sin in my world. To be CHICKEN-SHIT. Why am I so chicken-shit all the time? I don't care. I have to brave. I have to forge my own brave new world. - How many fresh starts can I have? I am running out of places to start anew. But I will. I shall go where no one I know has gone before some day. And there I will be the person I know I can be.

I am I am I am.

...says i on Wednesday, October 1, 2003 at 12:17 a.m.

21

It's weird when everybody keeps telling you about something... the same thing.

the other day, xinmin asked me to visit this website about a movie called 'xiang zhuo zhou, xiang you zhou' (walk towards the left, walk towards the right). then today kevin sent me this song 'yu jian' (meeting) by stephanie sun, from the above-mentioned movie/story. i tell leng tuan about it, and she has the little story book of 'xiang zhuo zhou, xiang you zhou', and she has the lyrics to 'yu jian'.

are the cosmos trying to tell me something?

when i listen (or read) the lyrics of 'yu jian'... i get a really weird mixed up feeling inside. it was really funny. when xinmin sent me the link, i was kind of busy and disturbed abt my job thingey, so i didn't have time to watch it fully, but saved the link in the draft folder of my email account. then today kev sent me the file and asked me to listen to the lyrics. but i was busy chatting to yingxi at that time, about both our troubles (we're 2 troubled women, yingxi said), so i couldn't listen carefully to the lyrics, esp with my terrible chinese. so i went over to leng tuan and jurui's room (jurui was staying over. - we're getting on quite well now.)

and i was like: 'leng tuan leng tuan do you have the lyrics to 'yu jian'? i need it now. quick quick.'
and she was like: ''yu jian'? you have the song? does it go like this? (she sings a bit)'
'yes yes. so what's the gist of the song? quick. it's about love? and what else?' (i listen carefully) 'oh... it's so sweet and sad. hey it's like me..'
'it's from 'xiang zhuo zhou, xiang you zhou''
'really?? okay okay cool, but i need the lyrics...'
'okay here here' (types link into my laptop and pulls up the lyrics). ayy.. you have the song?? i want it too!! send to me...'
'okay okay..what's the story about again??'

leng tuan throws me the book on 'xiang zhuo zhou, xiang you zhou'. and i grab it and read bits of it in between chatting... then i watch some 'sex and the city'.. have dinner, watch 'the running man' on tv, come up, shower, watch more 'sex and the city', check out the harvard website, switch on 'yu jian' (unlimited replay), mull over my life and type this entry.

21 is a very confusing age to be in.

i don't know what i want exactly. where i want to go, what i want to be. the direction i want to head. i want to confidently walk towards my future. instead, i find i feel more confused than i've ever been.

when i listened to the lyrics of 'yu jian', i felt this strange jolt... of strange familiarity, yet a kind of alien-ness. it reminds me of myself in what seems like long ago, and for such a long time. and yet that's not who i am now. or at least mostly i'm no longer like that.

i remember when i was young, i used to wish almost everyday, that my 'the one' will come. and i used to wonder when will my love find me. what if he's lost? or dead? or he met another girl and mistook her for me? or he gave up searching for me? and where was he? where in the world was he? would he ever come? what if he was born on the other side of the world? would we recognise each other if we passed each other on the street? so many questions, yet a firm, unwavering belief in his existence, and my fervent prayer that he would come and find me one day, that he would come out, as from a mist, and we'd fall into each others' arms and live happily ever after. i knew he existed. i had the absolute faith of the innocent. and i couldn't wait for love.

now... i don't feel that anymore. i complain about being single for 2 years. of not having a boyfriend and of boredom. but it's just one of those things i want, mostly cos i'm bored and it would be nice to have a boyfriend. but i rarely have that strong longing for 'the one'. once in a long while, i have that slight flicker, and hope will rise like a sharp flame within me, and i'm like: is HE out there some where? when are you coming for me? then it quickly dies down, or i quickly suppress it. - i no longer believe in the hero. i can only trust in myself.

listening to the song, doubts besiege me. - is there really someone out there, in the future, waiting for me, still? is there going to be love in the future? shall i wait patiently? and if so, where has he been all this while? why did he leave me to binh? has he been with another girl?? and when will he come and pick me up? and how will i know if the next person is the one, or just a care-taker like binh, that he has sent to take care of me, before he has time to come to take care of me? does this special one for me even exist? or are all relationships just the random meeting and getting together of two lonely strangers in this wide, strange, cold world?

watching 'sex and the city' doesn't help. it puts me into a weird relationship-analysing mood even more. especially with the carrie-big thing going on. and what with carrie just having broken up with big in the episode i've just watched.

everything has just been so confusing lately. firstly with the flux in my career-life. and i'm beginning to question my entire purpose in life, my own strife... why did i want so much to come abroad? do i really want to work here in future? was i right to choose my dream above love? and what about my subsequent reversal? - what is my ultimate choice anyway? at least i'm not too torn about the choice between career and love, since i don't have the love bit to make my life a living hell right now.

but i know someone (a girl) who is facing that choice. and she asked me: what would be my choice? and that's why i thought about it and got all confused inside. i'm just so thankful i do not have that choice facing me. it's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. i really don't know what i'd choose if i had the choice in front of me right now. since i have no love now, i'd say career. but then, just today, by coincidence, leng tuan and i were talking while we were jogging, and i voiced my doubts about my previous career/dream over love choice.

and sometimes i think love is over-rated. because i know of people who have gotten together relatively recently, but are already tempted by other possibilities. not really tempted, but wondering what other possibilities would be like and wondering if they have gotten attached too early.

and another girlfriend i know has this theory that it's not a specific guy that she wants. it's just that you want A guy when you don't have a relationship, because that's just something you don't have right now, now that studies, career etc have all been settled. and any random guy will do. this girlfriend, and another one have similar theories about wanting what you cannot get, and not treasuring the guy once you get him.

between the cynical people, the people in love yet wavering, and the choice between career and love... i'm thoroughly upside down about how i feel about love. between the job i've been offered and the job i want, i am equally confused. - sometimes i feel like i simply CANNOT take up this job offer because i will DIE doing it. at other times. i manage to convince myself that i will be able to cope with it.

and i have all these plans and counter plans. which could bring me anywhere.. from home to staying here in London, or going to the States. and i'm planning my second career already, if this first planned-path doesn't work out. and my second career suits my temparament more, even if it's less high-flying.

then i talk to another friend and she is so ambitious, and i feel ashamed that i want to settle for a fun, and un-high-flying second career. and i berate myself for not being ambitious enough? why aren't you ambitious? why are you such a wuss? why don't you care enough about your career?

i always say i want to be a career woman. but somehow i don't seem to mind the whole money thing very much. and i'm not into the whole over-achieving thing. it doesn't seem very important to me personally, to get a high-paying, stylo job. but when i see everyone else around aim for the stars, i feel like a failure for just settling for the moon.

and sometimes i wonder if being a career woman is the solution to all my problems. okay... once i settle my career, then what?? what next? is it not still love and a family then?

but then if you settle for love, then if things don't work out again, then you'll thump yourself for not getting the whole career thing sorted. but if you get stuck in a career rut, then you'll regret abandoning love for your career. (although that's the conumdrum a friend is facing, not me).

but sometimes, like now, i feel tempted just to go back home, find a nice boy to settle down with, and have 2.1 kids. i don't see my life and career going anywhere. and it's tiring anyway, being alone in a foreign land, with all your support network, familiar faces and places far far behind. and there area so many uncertainties... about whether i'll succeed, where i'll go. but i reckon the uncertainties are the possibilities that are open to me. but right now the uncertainties mean that i can make no plans that involve another person.

another friend has come up with an interesting perspective though.. after you settle your career, just hang out as much as possible with your parents. so you won't feel lonely or feel the lack of love then. - that's something that never occurred to me before. so now that IS an idea.

as i grow older, sometimes i feel my life is becoming more and more like a sitcom. and it's a more difficult and confusing time than i ever imagined it would be. i'm legally an adult now. a new, 2-month-old adult. i don't FEEL like an adult yet though. i don't feel like i'm ready for the responsibility. - which is why i'm dealing with it so badly. staying in bed, and watching sitcoms all day instead of tackling my problem head on. being an ostrich and escapist like i've always been.

long long ago, binh said that he admired me because of my fighting spirit. i refuse to accept things just the way they are, and i challenge what life deals me. sometimes i wish i could ask him if he still thinks that that is true, after knowing me for two years. - he said that quite early on you see. i hope he still thinks so. but maybe he is mistaken. i don't feel the least bit like a fighter somehow. i feel more like the biggest coward alive. and i wish he was right about me, that i could live up to his then-idea of me. - i want to be a hero. to be someone he'll respect. to be someone i myself can respect.

i hope i will achieve at least this much.

...says i on Saturday, September 27, 2003 at 02:22 a.m.