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It is Thursday, October 30, 2003, 09:22 p.m. Coming out I don't understand homophobes. Today I showed a friend the pitas of this lesbian girl that I stumbled across, and he was like, Let's not even talk about it. And I'm like: Why? So I asked him: Do you have a problem with gay people? And he started telling me this entirely out of point story about something else altogether. It really baffles me. What on earth is wrong about liking someone of your own gender? And to be so terrified of it, unwilling even to contemplate it, or even talk about it. It almost makes me wonder if such people are closet homosexuals. The lady doth protest too much, methinks! Many entries before, I once lamented the existence of bigotry and unnecessary barriers in this world, which make an already stormy and complicated life, even thornier. Isn't it difficult enough to be happy in this life, without hurling obstacles at every turn, and filtering out who you are allowed to love by race, religion, class, nationality, and gender? Admittedly, I found it hard to reconcile the fact that this Muslim girl drinks and is a lesbian, the way I found it strange to reconcile Christianity with homosexuality. But only because the official stance of these 2 religions tend to be more strict and traditional, and puritannical, so to speak. But I reckon ultimately God who is all-loving and all-forgiving, won't mind. And it is enlightening to me that one can still be a devout Muslim or Christian, even if one does not follow the official teachings to the letter. It's the spirit of the religion that counts. This reminds me of Muthoni in "The River Between". I remember two friends who were terrified that I will go over to "THE DARK SIDE" after a certain blow about a year ago. They exhorted me not to be rash. Like what am I going to do? Immediately go out and find a girlfriend? [Hmmm.... maybe I should have joined the LGB society like Xinmin suggested!] And more than 1 male friend has said they're not sure if they will remain my friend if I turned lesbian. - I think that's bigotry in the extreme! After all, they've already known me, and it's not like my personality and character would be fundamentally changed. It's not like I haven't thought about it though. I have no psychological nor cultural barriers against being gay, and I have toyed with the idea more than once in my life. The only reason why I don't think I'll ever be a lesbian is that I simply cannot imagine myself having sex with a girl. Try as I might, I don't see what 2 girls can do together in the bedroom which I will consider fun, and enjoy. But I reckon if I could ever do that, then I might become a lesbian some day. Just that I don't know any lesbians.

It is Tuesday, October 28, 2003, 04:04 p.m. Commercial Law I've just finished my Commercial Law lecture. And there's something I've just realised - that I really enjoy law. From my tiny glimpse of law so far, it seems like there are all these doctrines to govern what is a contract, what is an enforceable contract. And when the rules don't suit what the judges think are equitable principles, they come up with other doctrines or an escape clause or an exception in order to get around rules that they themselves create. - It's really so fun! The whole purpose of law seems to be to argue your way out of a hole that you argued your way into, in order to achieve reasonable or equitable aims, even though that is not always the expressly-stated objective. And then they come up with all sorts of convoluted words and sentence structures to obscure the meaning of their arguments. Words such as "unconscionable" and "estoppel". I almost wish I had taken law! Although I reckoned I would have been bored out of my skull if I spend *ALL* my time coming up with arguments and compound sentences, especially on subjects that don't strike my interest. But I can see why lawyers would make excellent debaters. But I'm just so so delighted that I LOVE all my subjects this year. Although admittedly I have yet to even TOUCH my law textbook and doubt I have the casebook, and I haven't even bought my Development Economics text yet. But I absolutely LOVE Law, the work of Development Economics suits my style, I'm SO unbelievably interested in Industrial Economics, it's amazing... I mean, if I could get a career as an Industrial Economist, I could just chuck IB out of the window. And if I ever pursue further academic studies, it would definitely be either in the field of Industrial Economics, or else Finance (my last course). This is SUCH a contrast to my second year, when I dreaded all my subjects except for POF (Principles of Finance). And I'd think I'd make a great lawyer too. Just because of the way I am. And I think Law is really great subject, cos now I know my rights better and will be less apt to be cheated by lawyers (Know thy enemy and know thyself). Even if I'm never a lawyer, I'd still be able to write scary lawyerly type letters to people who cross my path. Eg I wrote BEAUTIFUL complain email to IKEA. And a less beautiful, but still quite nice email to the landlady who has not returned 4 Ludham's deposit. Both of which I am extremely proud of. I absolutely refused to be trampled on by stupid gits out to cheat other poor innocent people's money! YAY!!!! :) Sometimes I think I'd be a much better lawyer than a banker. Because I'm more of a argumentative, qualitative person, rather than a quant. Although I might flop on the social bit. But ah well... things being as it is... And I understand why so many parents are terrified of their precious sons falling into the hands of a lawyer wife too. HAha! ;)

It is Monday, October 27, 2003, 12:21 p.m. Voyeur, I am Hmm.. I've always been a voyeur, and surfer of lives. It feels strange when it happens to me. Ah well. What I can't figure out is... the link I had to Vita's page was in one of my new entries, obliterated by Pitas since. How could he track me back then? Wish I knew more about computer stuff.

It is Monday, October 27, 2003, 01:35 a.m. Diwali On Saturday, after my housewarming, I went to "Mandir" (at least that's what Nishit and Kaushal call it), the Hindu temple in Neasden (Zone 3) to celebrate Diwali, also known in our part of the world as Deepavali. It's the biggest temple in Europe, the biggest temple outside India, and one of the 50 Best Modern Architecture in the world (It was top 3, or at least 5). It's funny how there are things that one thinks one will never do, because it just never crosses one's mind, or that it seems unthinkable. But when done, it seems like there was no big deal after all. Going to the temple was one such thing. It's bizarre really, the weaving of the Pattern. I've been reading Robert Jordan's "Wheel of Time" and I'm still influenced by it. But be it as it may - whether events in life and the world are just random throws of the dice, or whether there be a Pattern, or Fate or Destiny, whatever one chooses to call it - it sometimes seem like there is method to this madness. It seems really bizarre that although I've spent almost all my life in Malaysia and Singapore, both multi-cultural societies, with the big three races, I've never had a Malay or Indian friend. And since I've come to the UK, I've made a really good Indian friend, and many more acquaintances besides, and I've spoken to more Malays here than I've ever had in Malaysia, though I barely know any of them, and I have a Muslim friend here too. Talk about 'muhibbah', Malaysia-style, but in the UK, man! How ironic that, back home, Deepavali meant not much more than a public holiday. Oh I knew that it was the Festival of Lights and all, but as I had no Indian friends, and then only two classmates in my two years at secondary school... well. But the Indians here are very very different from those back home. Traditional Indian women back home wear jasmine in their hair on special days. Here, they don't. Not that I've seen at least. And it was quite ironic that I started when I heard a Malaysian-Indian speak in a Malaysian/Singlish-type accent the other day. She was a Malaysian. But I almost fell out of my chair when I heard her speak. Because I've gotten so used to hearing British-Indian accents from the Indians here. And other non-Singlish accents basically. Even another Malaysian-Indian speaks good, unaccented English. - An out of point remark. But I recognise the Vietnamese accent by the way. The other day, I barely spoke to a girl for five seconds when I was like: "Are you Vietnamese?" It's quite spooky... the threads that Life weave... are complicated and may never be broken. Anyway, not to digress from the story. I went into the Hindu temple on Saturday then. And I finally met the Hindu Gods, more than two years after I had meant to, and it felt strange in that sense. Because you see, before I had left Singapore two years ago, I had this weighty feeling in me, like I wouldn't be back in a while. I always say I'm clairvoyant. If I were a character in a Robert Jordan book, I swear I'll be an Aes Sedai with the gift of Foretelling. So anyway, I went to the Chinese temple near Bugis I think, to pray. I was afraid you see. And I prayed like I don't remember ever having prayed before. I didn't know when I would come back again, when I would see the people I cared for and my sunny land again. And I wanted someone to take care of everything while I was away for however long it took. Then as we came out of the temple, I think it was Josefine and I, we passed a Hindu temple. I had never been into a Hindu temple before, never before said "Hi" to the Hindu Gods. And I didn't know if I would get the chance to see one anytime soon. - I wanted to pay my respects before I left, and I wanted to ask them, the Gods of our land, to take care of everything for me. After all, to me, Malaysia and Singapore were two countries with the big three races and their big three religions, plus the Catholicism and Christianity, and to me, it seemed like all these Gods took care of the world that I knew. I am very pagan... I am not for any religion, and I am for all religions at the same time. I wanted to go into the temple then. But I dared not, because I would stand out like a sore thumb. An alien and stranger. And, not knowing the customs, I didn't dare to go in, for fear that it might not be allowed, or that I would offend someone. So I stayed outside, at the door of the temple, and I prayed from there. It seems right that I have finally paid my respects. And it seems like a strange coincidence that I am doing so, just a couple of months before I am due to return home. It seems right that I thank them. I am almost as afraid to go back as I was to leave. I think I am too apt to think Dark, Depressive thoughts. Maybe that is why I always like to be kept busy doing things. Left with too much time on my hands, I tend to brood and sink into Melancholy and Depression. On a lighter note. At first I felt really awkward being (I thought) the only non-Indian around. Then I realised that there were a couple of blacks around, quite a few whites, and several chinese/'orientals' besides. And it didn't seem as terrible and complicated as they made it out to be, what with the guys and the girls being separated. I think they must've thought that I was either very dim-witted, or had a very dim view of my sensitivity. I swear I almost felt like bringing a cudgel down onto Nishit's head when he asked me to dress "decently" for the temple. Like I usually dress INdecently or something. What an affront! And he said I might've dressed "not Indian decent". And I'm sure I'd have enough sense to dress appropriately. And the interior was beautiful. I occasionally scrutinised the carvings on the pillars. And it was almost more than I could bear not looking around to gape at the rest of the architecture. And this was only in a small part of the temple... a "Darshan" or something like that. I gave a quick glance at the ceiling though, and that had carvings too, and the architecture was interesting too... I think there were spire/dome-type structures, whatever they are called. I had studied about religious Hindu architecture in my A-Levels Art History, and I would have very much liked to really look at everything, even if I did not study this particular temple. I feel lucky enough that I managed to see the La Mesquita in Spain, which was one that I did read about. But I'd certainly love to see Angkor Wat, Borobudur, and so many more I studied of besides. It's sad though, that I did not manage to see/take part in the Arti, which is a prayer/ritual performed. I wish I had a more complete experience of Diwali. Apparently, on Sunday there would be more Artis, and a feast with 100,000 dishes would be prepared. But at least on Saturday there were fireworks and Indian food around. Again, not the kind of South Indian food that I am used to and love in Malaysia and Singapore, but I have fallen in love with a North Indian specialty - paneer! And I had chilli paneer that night. And besides, I have been inside a Hindu temple, which I had previously wanted to, not dared, and did not imagine I would do any time soon. So I am content. I have done more than I ever expected, so I thank heavens I am alive. Although I reckon by some measures I am too easily contented, and set too low expectations of myself. I'd also like very much to go into a mosque one day. I'd like to pay my respects to the Gods of the main religions around the world in their home, where possible. I must remember this me. The me who, if not spiritual exactly, is at least open and truth or spirit-seeking. The me who'd love to travel all over the world to say "Hi" to God in all his houses, because I believe in God, and because I believe nothing else matters but peace and the love we bear for our fellow humans, and that it is only by letting go of all other desires in life, which we can achieve through seeking Him, that we will stop harming each other and become enlightened. I probably sound really scary and fundamentalist. But if so, I am not a fundamentalist aligned with any religion. I only want for us all to be happy, for there to be less pain and suffering in this world, for there to be trust,and care for our fellows. I don't always remember this. I forget for long periods of time, and I lose my will as I get caught up with the ways of the world. But my different selves pull at me, and who knows maybe one day I will lose this me, and forget she ever existed. So while I still remember...

It is Saturday, October 25, 2003, 11:11 a.m. Yufen!!!! You should come here. Come to UK. The last Sunday I was walking in Regent's Park. The leaves were beautiful... green edged with liquid gold, yellow, and red. And I thought of you, Yufen. You and Kev. Kev because he said he'd want to come over when the weather was somewhat windy and not too cold, and I suddenly realised that autumn was the best time. And you because I just think you'd love autumn and you've never seen one before. I myself never realised how beautiful London can be in fall. In most parts of London, you don't see the beautiful autumnal colours. Do a Masters here, then get a job here. Loads of people do that. I know what exactly what you mean about the independence and somewhat of a loner thing.That's why I love you guys so much. Cos we have that in common...

It is Saturday, October 25, 2003, 01:51 a.m. Down with love Just came back (couple of hours ago) from watching "Down with Love". Ewan McGregor looked so nice and thin and young again! I LOVE him. And I LOVE Renee Zellweger when she dances. She's so bouncy and such a way with rhythm. And she has a really husky, sexy, jazzy voice. Ewan's voice is more angelic choir-boy. Not my preferred male singing voice. But all right. The movie was quite plotless and planless. But very cheesy and funny. And it raised the whole Down with Love question, much like 'Someone Like You' amusingly dealt with the subject and disturbed me with it's New Cow Theory. But I certainly felt very bouncy and felt like putting on my dancing shoes (yet again) after the film. But this time more of the Chicago-style, jazzy and swing dancing shoes, rather then disco dancing shoes. And on my way home the song "Dance (While the Music Still Goes On)" by ABBA kept playing in my head. So are the lyrics: "Oh, my love it makes me sad. Why did things turn out so bad? Was it just a dream, everything we did, everything we had? Baby, give me one more Dance while the music still goes on Don't think about tomorrow Dance and forget our time is gone Tonight's a night we borrow. Let's make it a memory, a night of our own A thing to remember when we're all alone So dance, it's our way to say goodbye Yes, all we have to do is Dance while the music still goes on This is no time for crying Dance, don't you hear them play our song God knows that we've been trying But we didn't make it 'cause nothing's the same We just couldn't help it, nobody's to blame So dance while the music still goes on And let it be our last goodbye Yet it seems to make me sad. Why did things turn out so bad? Was it just a dream, everything we did, everything we had? Baby, give me one last Dance while the music still goes on Just like the night I met you Dance and believe me, when you're gone You know I won't forget you Our love was a snowbird, it's flying away You tell me it's over, what more can I say? So dance while the music still goes on It's gonna be our last goodbye Dance while the music still goes on Don't think about tomorrow Dance and forget our time is gone Tonight's a night we borrow. Let's make it a memory, a night of our own A thing to remember when we're all alone So dance while the music still goes on And let it be our last goodbye Dance while the music still goes on This is no time for crying Dance, don't you hear them play our song God knows that we've been trying Dance while the music still goes on Just like the night I met you Dance and believe me, when you're gone You know I won't forget you (fade) Meanwhile, Belinda Carlisle's "Summer Rain" is playing on my Winamp. On the way back from the movie, I was standing right in front of the big window next to driver on bus 15. Everything seemed so close to me... and it was as if I was watching the world on a wide screen TV or panoramic movie theatre. The street, the traffic lights, midnight walkers... all seemed so immediate, like I could just reach out an embrace them. Feel the newly-washed night air and walk on the shiny rained-on streets. It felt so surreal somehow. And bizarrely enough, I felt I was transported into another world, those 15-20 minutes on the bus. By the way, I've given up waiting for Pitas to restore my most recent entries, which it has so thoughtfully and lovingly decimated. Bits of my life up in smoke, dissipated somewhere in server hell. I would also like to clarify a point. In one of my entries - I can't remember which now - I claimed I was being "outrageously girly" in Oxford when I was with Jackie. Jackie has emailed me to say that she didn't remember me being at all outrageously girly. On the said day, I was doing the preppy look -- white three-quarter sleeved collared shirt, with my black crew-neck lambswool vest on top, and my Levi's. And I didn't even put on any make-up. And Jackie was like: "I don't know what you mean by being "outrageously girly"". *sheepish grin* okay... so maybe i wasn't being the least bit girly by almost all standards except my own warped one. But well... I guess the whole act of *thinking* of what to wear, and doing a coordinated look was very girly by my standards. By that measure, I am far more girly this year than I've ever (??) been. Or at least than I've been in a while. It's something to do to amuse myself. And I've also taken Keval's point that I dress very dismally during school. During summer, he commented that I dress WAY better during summer than he's ever seen me in school... and not only during office hours, which is definitely understandable (since one has to look smarter while at work), but also during weekends when I'm in the office. While I rebutted him quite strongly that how I dress is none of his business, and that I don't dress for his or any person's approval then... I have since decided to heed his comment and Jackie's advice and make more effort. But it's very tiring to always think of what to wear to always maintain a level of standard. Hmmm... I must ask Kelvin Teo the next time I meet him whether he thinks I've changed massively since two year plus ago, when we last saw each other. Another leap of thought... now things are just popping randomly in my mind and I'm just letting my thoughts FLOW. - Sometimes I think things once created, have a life of their own. They take on their own identity and live on as separate entities, independent of their creator and their creator's continued affirmation. This is not an original idea of course, just something I previously encountered, which I have just suddenly realised the truth of. Because I suddenly remembered a point related to my experience coming home on bus 15 just now, and wanted to insert a couple of sentences in the paragraph above. But I realised that it would no longer flow if I inserted it there. Cos my thoughts, once made concrete in the form of the written word, they exist as body of thought independent of me. And once out in the world, even if they disappear into server hell... they still ARE. And the fact that if they disappear into server hell, I will no longer be able to replicate them (each writing is different) nor recall them, having no records of my own, just goes to prove the separateness of my written-thoughts and their creator. - If I'm making any kind of sense at all. Reciprocity is never guaranteed in life. In fact, it almost never happens, equal reciprocity, in terms of magnitude and timing. Should one be upset by it? Life is unfair after all. Unreciprocated love is a great tragedy. But it is also a glorious - if exquisitely painful - state to be in, because it is so much celebrated. To bear the cross of unrequited love is to be the subject of poets and poetry through the millennia, and one can revel in the noble suffering in the limelight of one's own mind's grand stage. Verbose, convoluted, and obscure I am being. My point being... to be afflicted by unreciprocated love is at least to be gratified by the nobility of your suffering according to classical tradition. But what about unreciprocated friendship? Is that no less a burden to bear? Except that it is a lonesome, unsung burden. What if you get used to someone, then he/she leaves? Another question is: Does it matter? I think my synapses are skipping several brain cells/logical steps. Lack of sleep, lack of sleep...... My logic is breaking down. But certainly I have missed making rhetorical arguments, and being really assy and sassy about coming up with complex and seemingly structured arguments. Hahaa... - Me? Structured? I'm the most illogical person I know, I think. Going back to the song "Dance (while the music still goes on)"... I think the spirit of it sums up while I'm just really itching to party this year. As I said before, this being my last year of freedom, I suddenly cherish it so much more. And I really just want to seize the day, every day. Every moment I just want to live in the moment and enjoy myself, and live like there is no tomorrow. Because everything in life is so fragile and transient. There is no point looking forward to tomorrow, no point in questioning what is or what will be, because one will never know. I can only take things as they come. Because every day, we're dying a little bit by a little bit. Who knows what tomorrow brings? I remember Binh said he can't imagine us being happy married, and so therefore we should split up now. And there was also me, who thought that if in the future he was going to stay on in Singapore (I didn't plan on staying on then), then in the long run we'd never work out, so it was quite pointless for us to be together now. - Why were we so silly and serious then? Did it matter? Why did we have to project so much into the future, when we can't even tell what tomorrow will bring? We should have just did what the song says... Dance, while the music still goes on... and live in the moment on borrowed time. If when tomorrow comes and our paths split, then we'd split tomorrow. Why destroy today for what may or may not happen tomorrow? Right now, every moment I have with my friends, I'd like it to be moment I can engrave in my soul and keep it with me forever - a shining light for when we're all alone. If tomorrow comes, and if I have to go home to Southeast Asia, I may not see some of the people here ever again. Or if tomorrow comes, and I stay in London, I won't see many people in a long, long while either. I just cannot assume that if I am with someone today, it doesn't mean I won't say goodbye tomorrow. And if I say goodbye tomorrow, I never assume I will see them again. I mean, in all probability I will, but that is something I just dare not assume. And besides, the next time you see them, things may have changed beyond all recognition. You might have both grown older and apart, or one or the other might be attached, or even married soon. We're coming of that very messy age, when differences start showing up starkly. It's a confusing age when we're all choosing our path, not only career-wise, but geographically and so on. And some people choose to marry young, some older, while others like me don't see marriage anywhere on the horizon at all. And the single/marriage divide is going to be a huge one which will leave some people on one side, and others on the other, of a gaping chasm. And so I feel like the sands of time is running out for me, not only because it is my third year, but because as adulthood sucks us into the whirlpool, things will spin out of control. And so, the sands of time are running out for the last of my childhood, the last of my innocent friendships, for the way things were. Already, virtually everyone is coupling up, and it seems almost pointless to make any new friends, for they too will soon be sucked into coupledom, if I myself don't get sucked into it. And yet relationships are very often beautiful things. My only complaint is... once people get sucked into coupledom, it is virtually impossible to break out of the cycle. Cos once part of a couple, even if a person breaks up, used to the couple lifestyle, he/she usually gets re-attached again very shortly. And life as an independent entity soon ceases. And it's sad when that happens. Or even if you don't sucked into the vortex, there is still that longing to be once again 'made-whole' by seeking a partner. Or maybe it's just our raging hormones.... I guess the point is... I treasure every moment with everyone I care for. And I treasure my own time and independence too. This year I feel strangely free and independent. I have no one to care for, or feel responsible for, no one who cares for me. And I have no responsibilities within the house as well, since I am living with two couples. And I don't think they feel very responsible for me either, since I'm rarely at home for long and tend to like being on my own, on my PC most of the time anyway. I'd rather blog than make physical conversation. Today I went out for dinner with the girls, and then for a movie with Carolyn. And maybe I'll go partying again some other time. It's all good. At least nowadays I have Carolyn for company since she has taken a "Vow of Celibacy" (to quote her) until she gets a job. While I have no need to take a vow of celibacy, since it's not like there are loads of guys throwing themselves at me, nor am I in the habit of throwing myself at any guys, I have a taken a "Vow of Less Fun" before getting a job. Once I get a job, I will really make sure I have fun and live life to the max. I'd like to party more, go out more, travel more, explore more. I'd like to watch more films. I'm a bit of a film buff if I could afford it. I'd finally set up my bike and ride it. I'd travel more within the UK. I'd travel more outside the UK. I'd go to the gym, or take up French again, or take up some form of dance. I'd visit museums, pretty places within London. I'd go out and walk about in London. I'd breathe deeper. And I would love. Love life. Love God. Thank the stars for every breath take I inhale and exhale. I'd enjoy my school work more, although I'm already so heady over Industrial Economics and Development Economics (a pain though that is to study) that were I any more excited, my heart would burst! I actually deeply enjoy my subjects this year and I've never been so intrigued by any academic work since Prac Crit and Lit S in JC. - And I WORKED for those. Not that it felt like work to me. It was a labour of love for me. I've realised how important it is to love what you do. Then I can think about pursuing either Finance or Industrial Economics for further studies in future. Haha... and I would, or at least should write less, and do more instead. Do more to achieve what I want. A job. And my beloved school work. =) And now I shall try my damnest to go to sleep. Bonne nuit mes amis!