Oh I forgot to say that my exams are over. Finally. Phew. Hallelujah.
My last paper was a real bitch. Demoralising as hell. -_- And the entire day was really crazy. A zillion stuff to do in short span of time before [sing along] " i'm leaving (left) on the a jetplane".
It was his birthday yesterday. I had emailed him in the morning: "Happy 22 on 22", and was just wondering if he was already in the UK, or if he was still Stateside. I remembered him telling me he would be in this part of the world end-May-ish, and I had distinctly noted back then that, with his usual exquisite timing, he would be here before my exams end. But I had forgotten when exactly he would arrive, and I hadn't heard from him in ages anyway.
LT got a call from him, and I went berserker bonkers: I started screaming, and hop hop hop went I all around my house. "¹úÁ¦À´ÁË!¹úÁ¦À´ÁË!¹úÁ¦À´ÁË!" ("KL is here!" x 3)
The oldest friends who I still keep in contact with, I have known since I was 12. He is one of them.
I don't talk to him, don't hear from him all year. Not email, not IM, not physical letters. But come May, for the past two years, he turns up in London. And that is all I see of him all year round. So of course, this time of the year, I find myself missing him, wondering where he is, what he is doing, especially on his birthday. The last two years, we haven't had the chance to celebrate his birthday for/with him. For that matter, in the 9, 10 years that I have known him, have I ever celebrated his birthday with him? I think not. Hmmm.... how bizarre.
This time he turns up all brown and tanned, with a rakish unshaven look. Cool bracelet attached.
How do I describe what I feel for this boy?
Historically, we don't talk much. In the first three years of our acquaintance, I swear, we had not said as much as 10 words to each other. We don't hang out much, if at all. There is a lot I don't know about whole sections of his life, or much about him at all. Like I didn't know he had migraine problems until LT, his A-level classmate, told me. I don't know what kind of a student he is, his opinions, habits, what he likes, dislikes, his dreams, plans. He is, frankly, almost a complete stranger to me. To me, he is the tall, lanky , good-natured (but conservative) boy with the wide, easy smile. I don't know much else about him.
And yet, I am very fond of him, and feel protective of him, never mind that I am still shorter than him, even when I stand on the sofa. Seeing him, having him nearby, makes me happy. He is like warm sunshine. To me, he is also like family, much the way the Hua Zhong girls are.
But for some reason, with him, I always find myself at a loss for words. I am always happy to see him, and am often proud of him, like some weird mother hen, which is very bizarre, since he is, if anything, older than me by a few months. But all that doesn't translate easily into words or actions. I don't know if this is due to our early pattern of (non-)communication. Or if this is residual shyness on my part. Or that we don't have loads in common. Or maybe simply because it is exam time.
Anyway, so yesterday we had dinner: fried bee hoon with tikka masala sauce out of a jar. Then we had a frozen strawberry cheesecake as the birthday cake. With a candle and all. He stayed over, slept till noon today, had lunch, and went off. He will be flying home tomorrow.
I am wishing, as I do every year, that I had more time to spend with him.
"At work or in school: I need to be "hands on": I like to play games, to compete, and to perform. I enjoy flexibility, changes of pace, and variety. I have difficulty with routine and structure. My favorite subjects are music, art, theatre, and crafts. I often excel in sports. I like solving problems in active ways and negotiating for what I want. I can be direct and like immediate results.
With friends: Planning ahead bores me because I never know what I want to do until the moment arrives. I like to excite my friends with new and different things, places to go, and romantic moments.
With family: I need a lot of space and freedom. I want everyone to have fun. It is hard for me to follow rules, and I feel we should all just enjoy one another."
I first got Green. Conceptual, global and all. I liked the global bit. But the the rest of it didn't seem so me. After tweaking my answers, I got Orange, my fave colour. Yay! :) How true it it of me? *shrugs* Yes I need a lot of space and freedom. True I feel confined and frustrated with routine and structure. But I also like to plan ahead. I have approximate 5 year, 10 year plans in my head at any one time. Or at least I have an idea of the general direction I'm headed for. A complete lack of planning scares me. But I am flexible too. I am capable of making sudden about-turns if the mood strikes me, or if that is what I feel is right at the time.
I think I'm just confused. I am pulled and tugged hither thither by my past - who I used to be; and by my future - who I need to be. I don't know who I am now. On one hand, I like myself at 16 a lot more than myself at 21. On the other hand, I cannot remain at 21, who I was at 16.
Long ago, Leng Tuan had said that I was so much cooler when she first knew me in my first year. The other day I asked her: "Why? What do you mean?" She said that while I am still constantly restless, fidgety and seem unable to keep still, I am a lot calmer and settled down compared to when I had first come to UK nearing three years ago. Then, I think I must have been a whizzing ball of flame and energy - like Sodium on water maybe. Xinmin too had said I'm a lot more collected than when she first knew me.
Leng Tuan also said that I think and care about more normal, adult things now. Like internships, work, and so on. And that, presumably, brings me down to the realm of mere mortals. I am no longer the insane, ditzy, emotionally-imbalanced free-spirit that I used to be.
But at that time, there was no need for me to be excessively practical, or responsible (although I do have a pragmatic streak in me. and a kind of scale that I follow in my head.). I was still young. Now it is different. I have to be more responsible. But again, I will only be as responsible as I NEED to be. Except that it is still a big jump nonetheless.
I am saddish. Because I liked the old me. I'd like to be forever young, bouncy, cheeky, emotional, mood-swingy, and whatever I want to be between the earth and the sky. The world was a vast expanse of emptiness, full of unexplored potential, that I could whirl through. I'm still partly struggling against being too too staid. But I recognise that the time has come to become a proper-ish adult. After my exams, I have about six weeks to become the perfect girl. To become prim and proper and the perfect perfect perfect girl. I'm sure I will be able to do it. *sigh*
I actually wrote a long long entry: a blow by blow account of my paper today.
But then I scrapped it. Don't feel like jinxing it maybe. Or feeling like a fool. I think it was a borderline case. But maybe it may go way way WAY off, and I'll feel idiotic. So it goes into the hidden place.
*sits down on a tree stump and mops my brow* I'm tired of this exam bullshit. This is just too intense for me. 2 exams in three days. It's like giving birth twice in a row. Or running two 2.4s in an hour. Not that I've experienced either of them.
But I am sick of this constant constant studying studying studying. Wake up study eat study eat sleep wake up study eat study eat sleep wake up... ad infinitum. It gets boring. Even if yes I do spend about an hour, an hour and a half pacing up and down and day dreaming every morning. Yes, every morning. Even this morning before my paper. And even if, every morning, no matter what I start off musing about, the thoughts eventually turn to The Ex (yes it's still that one and only ex. coming to three years' axed-anniversary shortly.). How bizarre. Even if I spend one hour walking up and down day-dreaming for every half an hour (or one hour if I'm really really studious) of studying. And that half an hour/one hour includes the time spent getting up and down filling the water, going to the loo, arranging my files and papers. Even if halfway through reading my notes, I suddenly look up and ask LT: "Hey Leng Tuan. Remember Transformers? That big red truck. Something Prime. What was his name again?" One really wonders what Big Red Trucks have to do with Social Banking in India. Yes, even with all that non-study going on, there is still too too much studying. I hate this.
No I love this. Really I do. At least until Thursday. I am a model student. An angel. See that halo?? Eat your heart out!
An adultery rate-o-meter test at bbc.co.uk: Are you at risk of having an affair?
My results:
"Your scored 10 out of a possible 20.
You rate as: Medium risk promiscuity - 7 to 14 points
This group have promiscuous tendencies though they have control over these impulses. They might be more self-absorbed than average, can tend to ignore the feelings of others and will have limited social and personal conscientiousness. However they value and rely on their partner and are aware of the risk of giving up all they have in their relationship by succumbing to their desires."
In other news: my Law exam: I had an EXCELLENT, clearly first class (in my humble opinion) essay. then three pretty crappy ones. the topic i studied for didn't come out as a problem question, so i was forced into doing exclusion clauses/UCTA (which was my last mintute tack-on topic to support my misrep). and then one maybe decent-ish insolvency essay. and one totally EXECRABLE insolvency essay. Come on, the stupid essay was a one-liner. blah. i was really high at first from my gorgeous Offer and Acceptance essay though. Now i'm just pretty deflated. *shrugs*
I woke up early with a terrible headache that refused to let me return to sleep-oblivion. The stray strands of a dream were still swirling in my head. An intermittenly blocked and running nose. Mild mild sorethroat. Sneezes. A general feeling of malaise. I thought of what LT said laughingly to me yesterday: "You look small and sick." It even alliterates! *pulls pathetic face*
I'm feeling sorry for myself. Not in the mood to study. I'm bored, sick, and tired of this waiting waiting waiting. I just want the exams to come already. Even if I still feel under-prepared. And even though (or precisely because) the scheduling of my exams is bullcrap. You wanna fight? BRING IT ON!! All this coy hide-and-seek is pointless. You want to have a go at me? Step forward like a man and give me your best shot.
After a couple of hours of half-hearted skimming of my notes, with dubious effect, I stretched out on the bed, the sun streaming in through the windows onto me. It's such a bright, lovely day. There's a feeling of peaceful, quiet joy in the air. Not wild loops of euphoria. But the kind of lazy warm fuzzy sense that everything is alright in the world. Today was a cat basking in the noonday sun. It seems wrong to be having exams now. It seems wrong for me to cooped up, when the Sun, the World is so beckoning.
I wonder at the sick, perverted, twisted mind that came up with the idea of having exams during spring-summer time. There could be no worse punishment, no greater torture, than this cruel cruel imprisonment.
I occasionally find myself standing at the banister of my window, gazing out into the back gardens of the neighbouring houses. For the first time, I wonder who all these people are. I breathe in the fresh air, let the golden warm rays wash over me, and long for the day that I'll be free.
In my first year too, I had often sat on the ledge of the huge window in my room and stared out into the Passfield garden. LT had described me/the situation as ÉԹ¸¾. Apparently (from what I understand from LT), it describes the concubines in ancient China, who have fallen out of favour, and who are banished to the cold, remote palaces. - At this point in time, I think that's exactly descriptive of my mood now.
I feel like I'm on some remote planet. Pluto or something. Nothing touches me. The exams are an amorphous mass.
It's now T minus 1 days.
I'm sure it'll all hit me with full force tomorrow.
My heart is beating wildly now. Adrenaline pumping through me. It's going to be tough going to sleep tonight.
I now bow down to Edward Norton's genius. Although this seems like a repeat of his performance in Primal Fear admittedly. But perhaps his genius lies in his amazing ability to play multiple personality disorder characters so convincingly.
I had hated Edward Norton in Primal Fear. But even then, in my heart of hearts I admired his acting ability and had to (secretly) admit that he was brilliant actor. - The very reason why I hated him was because I had hated the character he portrayed through and through, which was clear testament to his acting. Unfortunately, my rational recognition of his brilliance did not penetrate my emotional fog of hurt that he (or rather his character) was dark, manipulative, and had betrayed, tricked, cheated me. And so my anger at the essential evilness of his character spilled over into a dislike of Edward Norton the man, the actor. Yes, very very irrational and juvenile I know. My weak excuse for my inexcusable (unbelievable, amazing, ridiculous) reaction is that I didn't (and still don't) take kindly to being cheated of my sympathies and emotions.
Well... I still won't say Edward Norton is really sexy (just the slightest bit so at the start of Fight Club). Although I admit he has a bit of a lost little boy charm.
But he is one damn fine actor.
P/S: I liked the directing too. David Fincher. Never heard of him. Although now that I've checked, I find that I've watched ALL his major films: Aliens, Se7en, The Game, Panic Room. And it's interesting to see Helena-Bonham Carter in the role. Not her usual thing.
Fight Club is showing on TV tonight. So tonight is Fight Club night. Dinner at 9. I can't believe it.
In less than 2 weeks, I won't be in London. WOW. I still can't believe it. Okay... so I still can't believe I'm having exams.
Oh and I'm sharing my room with a spider. I actually wanted to remove it by trapping it with a glass, sliding a sheet of paper underneath, then putting it out into the street, but the little tyke stood on the side of my table, and I didn't feel like killing it (bad karma), or grabbing it with my bare hand. Since I'm not terrified of spiders anyway... and it was pretty cute actually. So Spidey's my mate. Hrmm...
Hmmm... X and I are going to stay in the same house again next year. That will mean that she will have stayed with me for 3 out of her 4 years in London. And I will have stayed with her 3 out of my first 4 years in London. And with ZW staying too, it will mean I will have lived with every member of the loose group formed in our first year.
I will probably die of liver failure before the exams even have a go at me.
Pills/medication I popped last night:
Evening Primrose Oil - my regular-ish whenever-I-remember general cramp-prevention type pill.
Ginkgo Biloba - for placebo effect if nothing else: anything that can conceivably help me in the exams, however remote the possibility.
Chelated Calcium Magnesium Zinc - supposedly to help relax your nervous system or something, because I really need to sleep at night.
Multivitamins - because I'm trying to avoid falling ill during exams.
Paracetamol - because I'm already feeling ill before the exams.
a spoonful of ´¨±´èÁè˸à(a Chinese cough mixture) - because I'm having a sore throat.
Four more days to the start of the exams. No kidding. It still seems surreal. I reckon time will pass REALLY REALLY fast from then on though. Hmmm.
Talked to one of my Law classmates and tent-mate in Snowdonia. I'm so stressed. I feel like I don't know half the law. And am discovering that I have to cover new topics, or that maybe I chose the wrong topics to focus on altogether.
It seems such a huge huge waste that I'm dropping Consideration altogether in my exams, since I got a nice A in my essay on it.
It doesn't make any kind of rational sense at all to be honest. I did 2 essays: one on Offer and Acceptance, one on Consideration (with UCTA, and Duress thrown in). And I scored pretty well in both. You'd think that I'd cover these topics again in the exams, since I've done the reading for them and have been proven to be able to do well in them.
But NOOOOOO... this Economist is not at all Utility-maximising. She decides that she absolutely CANNOT stand reading Estoppel. And Consideration could come with Estoppel, Unilateral Contract, UCTA or Duress. And she doesn't like UCTA, thinks that Consideration is a load of bullcrap (that the Courts are secretly using Consideration as a mechanism to enforce contracts that SHOULD be enforced), and therefore refused to do it for exams.
Instead, the girl banks on a combination of Misrepresentation, Remedies, one tiny bit of Terms. And THEN today finds out in class that Termination of Contract for Breach is NOT AT ALL in the syllabus (even though it came out in the exam last year). This was AFTER she spent shitloads of time painstakingly ploughing through TWO law textbooks (any idea how BORING those are?), made copious notes on them, and attempted to memorise the rules and cases. And this girl DIDN'T know that it wasn't in the syllabus cos she skipped so many of her lectures and fell asleep in those lectures that she DID go to. She had studied Termination because she saw it appear in the 2003 exam paper, which was a one off thing.
So now she discovers that she has only one and a half topics. And her teacher Charlie would have dropped Misrep of all things! (but that's cos he doesn't like Misrep) And she discovers she needs to know every single topic besides Consideration in order to guarantee that she has exactly two questions in Contract. That means: Implied and Express Terms, and also: Exclusion Clauses, which is UCTA ground. So she is back to Square One --> UCTA. Plus she needs to know basic Consideration ANYWAY.
And last night the girl couldn't sleep cos she had tried to do a Law past year problem question and had discovered that she needed to know Terms and Exclusion clauses. And she discovered that she couldn't remember how and when a representation would be incorporated as a term, what test would be applied. And she had spent the whole night tossing and turning, the questions: "Is the term incorporated? Does the question even arise?"; "Is there an Implied term by the Sale of Goods Act 1979 for 'fitness for purpose'? Does the Sale of Goods Act 1979 even cover renting agreements? Surely there is one which covers it?"; "Is the exclusion clause valid?"; "Is the exclusion clause valid?"; "Is the exclusion clause valid?" running through her head.
My classmate asked me today: "Why don't you do Consideration instead? You write great essays. You still have time."
Oh God.
But no. No way I'm going to switch topics at this stage. I'll just grit my teeth, read Terms, and PRAY soooo hard.
My classmate seems to be like the coolest of cool cucumbers. Although she says all her friends think she's super stressed and frazzled. I just don't know her well enough I guess. But she seems like the perfect, proper, organised girl. She has a file, a pencil case. I carry notes for THREE subjects in a supermarket plastic bag (only to school. A file would be too heavy.). And I don't have a pencil case.
She and I ended up hugging each other, reassuring each other that we'll be okay.
Plus this girl was in a foul foul mood some time ago, and wasted one whole day not studying. Cos when I'm in a foul mood, nothing but NOTHING gets done.
Classic housemate-isms:
--> "Now that's what you call a cyber bitch."
--> "You can't be a nymphomaniac. I mean technically, you can't right? You're just horny."
--> "It's amazing the way Singaporeans get together with each other so fast." / ... / "That's another nationality altogether." / "Amazing statement."
What NOT to say to your girlfriend (from one boyfriend to his girlfriend):
--> "You can be the maid!"
11 days to my first paper.
19 days to the end of my exams.
20 days until I'm on the plane out.
30 days after that I'll be back in London, plus parents.
14 days on top of that to the start of Work.
then 4 more days to Graduation.
another 5 days to my parents' flight back to home home.
But I can't help it. It's just for today, honest!!
I have too too too too much good news. :)
Staying on
First off, one of my darling darling darling girl friends is staying on. Yay me!!!!
Mai, the girl I got to know only last year when she, in an entirely Kundera-esque (okay... actually more Tomas-esque?? since I'm specifically referring to "Unbearable" -> Tomas and Teresa's meeting due to seven or six?? fortuitous accidents) way, came into my life.
Heh. A fellow only child. Who was the earliest lady to support me in a crazy idea recently. I most probably would have forged ahead with my own plan, despite everything. But it's nice knowing that someone else is supportive.
Anyway, I really wish we would all stay together next year. So I came up with this entirely sudden random idea which I think probably won't go through. But it's worth a shot. It seems strange and weird that I'm beginning to open up to people around me only so late in my UK life... unlike in my younger days, when I fell in love with the Hua Zhong girls at first sight.
Work
Happy thing 2: My work permit finally got approved!!!
OKay.... So everyone, but *EVERYONE*... said that my work permit was SURE to be approved. What was I worrying about? I was better off concentrating on my exams.
Yes I admit it. I should join Worrywarts Anonymous. Or if one hasn't been set up, I should set one up and be it's premier (in terms of the first person to join, as well as in terms of it's greatest and most extreme) member.
So.. for whatever reason it was, the fact is, I worried about it. I sat and worried incessantly. Even though I KNEW worrying wasn't going to prod the Home Office to stamp this kid's application. And this sat on my mind, dogging my every breath, every minute that wasn't spent worried about *other* things (visa, finances, personal stuff, summer plans, taxes, and finally exams). Things had begun falling away one by one as things eventually untangled themselves. But this work permit remained a thorn in my side.
Today was a good day. I got my flight tickets. Did some sundry housekeeping. Sent off my tax forms. Got a whole stack of my training material for when I start work (Yay. I'm seriously seriously seriously going to Work. They are actually serious about hiring me. I am not still daydreaming and secretly jobless in another alternate real-life universe.). I cried* (*see below). Mai got her conditional (GUARANTEED) Masters offer. Now my work permit has been approved!
Life couldn't get any better. Oh wait... one First Class pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaasssseeeeeee.
I cried
The last bit: I also wanted to blog this afternoon because I finally cried.
>>Rewind<<: Every exam, I cry without fail. That's because I'm always uber stressed out about *learning* the entire year's syllabus for the *first* time (for a lot of my work). I'm always feeling like I'm going to be crushed by the work that I'm not going to make it blah blah. And I go crazy with stress. I cry alright. Last year was an especially baaaad year.
Anyway.. I had wanted to blog last night too. Something about crying alone. Anyway, it was one of the rare rare times that I felt isolated in this house. But exams are bad times for everyone. Tempers are short. People get angry. It's easy to lose your head over small things.
So back to my point: this year I haven't cried yet. Which was really rather puzzling to me. I didn't know if I was being strong. And if I was being strong, was I being strong because I had to, or because I had grown stronger? (personally i think former) Or was I not stressed out because I already had job? Or maybe the stress hasn't gotten to me?
But today, I got really frustrated because I wasn't able to do a whole string of Stackelberg problems which seemed straightforward enough. I SHOULD have been able to do them. Hell - a bright-ish SIXTEEN-year-old with training could do them, I swear! And I didn't know if it was a problem with my algebra (all my darling old friends and roommates who have experienced years of my angry and frustrated tears over unsolvable Maths questions due to the slightest oversight in copying equations from one line to the next, or some other equally trivial but DEADLY act of carelessness will know the ritual pain I'm going through), or if it was that I had gotten the entire method or framework to solve the question wrong. I felt like my brain had taken a long long holiday.
So after not being able to solve a couple of questions. I started crying. Heh. Poor poor Nishit. But he's seen enough of my tears over the last exams, and over the past year to hopefully be able to deal with it. :) [you are a Star. even if you make me cross a lot of the time. and even if i bug you in return.]
Hmmm... verbal diarrhea here. So much pointless pointless rambling. I'm just too happy to talk again I think. But anyway... at least I know where I stand now. Exam life I feel has truly begun. I'm finally caring enough to stress. The crying usually comes when reality finally suddenly truly and completely sinks in. The reality that: "You have an exam. This is not a joke. You DON'T KNOW *ANYTHING* so you better get off your arse NOW."
I start studying with increased fervour after the first (sometimes Only) Cry.
In conclusion...
I have spent too too too much time writing all of this. And will be even more stressed tonight. Baad. But this is too good a day to miss. Today I'm happy and pleased again. Things are hopefully finally looking up a teeny tiny bit.
My housemate, in whose room I was studying had finally had enough of my constant stream of chatter: a real-time report of every thought that happened to flitter through my head (and when I'm trying to study, the thought-rate increases EXPONENTIALLY compared to normal days), and had said to me: "e*... I give up on you! I don't understand you. You have two weeks before your exams, and you can still wonder about your holidays plans, still be upset that you spend £16 a week on groceries. You are deluded! You HAVE to 清醒 (wake up). YOU HAVE NO MORE TIME!"
So I got into bed last night. And counted the days (I had been in self-denial). I have only like... barely more than 10 days before my first paper.
Unlike the legions of Malaysians and Singaporeans I know who have started doing loads of past year papers, I have yet to start ONE.
So... it being that I have had a BAAAD track record of falling asleep when stressed (recent-ish development), I tried to think about other things instead. In fact.. maybe that's what I've been trying to do.. ensure that I can sleep, by de-stressing myself... by not thinking about my exams (??).
But I HAVE been self-deluded. This self-delusion must stop.
Happy Birthday Yufen!!! (although you're not reading this now. just to say I'm thinking of you.)
2 photo pieces for the easily amused:
A Sunday afternoon debate: Collage 1
A Saturday night dinner: Photo Story 2
A Sunday afternoon debate
It started off with my whining about the impossibility of studying Contract Law, and Leng Tuan's comments: "That's why I think it is right for lawyers to earn so much money. Imagine having to study so much boring stuff! I really admire them. They deserve the money"
Then it went on to me asking: "So why don't you think bankers should make lots of money?" and my assertion that after all money is of essence in facilitating all forms of trade and commerce (and hence daily life).
In popped Zhaotan, who had dropped by to tell us not to use the toilet. He asked what we were talking about.
Leng Tuan pounced in with the assertion that markets (that liberal and neo-liberal theories - whatever those are) don't work.
Then the talk turned to the rhetoric and implementation of free trade, during which Yingxi came into the room.
And battle lines of the debate began to shift continuously like sand in the wind, as the discussion went from Free Trade to Power Politics, to whether Life has improved from the Past, whether there is greater Respect for Freedoms, Economic and 'Philosophical' (Knowledge and Values) Convergence, Normative Judgements, whether Convergence and Greater Freedoms are good (expanding set of choices), the trade-off between Equity and Efficiency, Predominant Strand of Knowledge (Pros and Cons), Survival of the Fittest (what Leng Tuan called Social Darwinism I think), Structural Power, Decreasing Set of Languages etc.
It was primarily the three Economists versus the lone International Relations girl, although it was mainly Zhaotan in opposition to Leng Tuan, while Yingxi and I butted in with arguments whenever we saw the need to, and sat aside and were amazed at the impassioned nature of the discussion otherwise. I was busy taking photos and being amused.
And it ended with the two main players - Leng Tuan and Zhaotan - rounding up their arguments.
Other stuff to note and remember:
- bad dream today
- thinking about friends, friendship
- Sex and the City --> a too perfect life
- nice rain today. finally some decent rain in London. :)
The ramblings of a duckweed- who- longs- for- banyan- tree- roots, among blinking ignis fatui. At the cusp of change, uncertain whether to follow the foolish fires into the miry wilds.
