~ the road is life ~

Hokkien

There's a girl in the second floor toilet of the LSE library who's speaking on the phone in Hokkien. She seems to have been on the phone for ages, cos I've been to the toilet twice, with an hour in between, and she's still on the phone.

I like hearing her speak Hokkien. Hers is the familiar, familial northern Hokkien, the kind my mom's family speaks. I wonder if she is Malaysian. I want to ask her if she is from Alor Setar or Penang. It's so musical, the northern Hokkien of my youth. To me, it is the ultimate embodiment of a simple, quiet, happy, rural life. Of younger days. I always feel happy when I hear people speak Hokkien. Especially a specific kinf of Hokkien. I've heard it quite often this year. I don't know if there are really so many northern Malaysians here, or that all native Hokkien speakers (as opposed to the Singapore NS army-variety) speak with the same kind of accent, or that I simply can't distinguish between regional accents.

...says i on Saturday, April 26, 2003 at 05:02 p.m.

500 miles away from home

the lyrics:

"Teardrops fell on mama's note
When I read the things she wrote
She said, we miss you girl
We love you come on home
Well I didn't have to pack
I had it all right on my back
Now I'm five hundred miles away from home.

Away from home, Away from home,
Cold and tired and all alone
Yes, I'm five hundred miles away from home.

It's hard to tell the state I'm in
Where I'm going, where I've been
But there's a dream I've been following so long
If mama knew the things I've done
She'd forgive them every one
But I'm still five hundred miles away from home.

Can't remember when I ate it's just thumb and walk and wait
And I'm still five hundred miles away from home
If my luck had been just right I'd be with them all tonight
But I'm still five hundred miles away from home."

i'm tired. wanna just go back to someplace called home. home is where the heart is. i'm still looking. i've been following a dream, one dream which has led to another, and with little dreams mixed up in between. don't know what i want anymore. where i'm supposed to be going. i've gotten lost on the way. when you want something so bad and then it disappears, leaving you clutching the shards of a broken dream. sometimes it's good. cos suddenly you look at the pieces... and it seems alien to you. why did you want it so much? that wasn't what you started out on this journey for. how did you wander so far from the path you set out on? i'm confused. don't know if i can find my winding way back. whether to go on, with neither guide nor map, just the damn demons driving me on further into the unknown, further away from where i started. but the mirror has shattered and the spell has broken. so at least in this short space of time, i am still clear-headed and can turn back. if only i could learn to be still, and rest my soul. i am so far from being free from desires, when i know life can actually be so simple. but i have a commitment i must fulfil first. and besides, even those who lead simple lives and follow their hearts have their own demons. i guess i am too affected by certain movies i watch or books i read. yesterday, the main theme song of 'winter sonata' kept playing in my head. every so often, and today especially, ideas, words and phrases from Break at Tiffany's, On the Road, The Sea, The Sea, and Unbearable Lightness of Being keep haunting me. i need to restore the balance in my life, my sense of perspective. i wish the horizon would be flat once more, horizontal, stable, and grounded on solid earth, rather than spinning about madly.

i want peace too.

...says i on Saturday, April 26, 2003 at 11:34 a.m.

Panicville

Hmmm... not a terribly calm person am I?

Got my placement. To say I'm upset is to make a major understatement.

All I knew was that I had to do a million things at once. Ask everyone's opinions. Cos I had to do something to salvage the situation (which had gotten from bad to worse). And I had to move (if I was to move at all) fast. But no one was available. Not no one. But Jackie wasn't parked in front of a PC. Nishit wasn't here. Phebean was here thankfully enough, so I could ask her. But I needed more opinions you know, from someone in the system, who would know. I couldn't get hold of Kaurshal and Keval either (until I asked Carolyn to message him).

And I've discovered that there are many levels of hell. 18 Xin Min said. And how many in Dante's Inferno..? 9 ? Anyway.. the point is... pits are followed by deeper abysses.

I always seem to think the worst and make the worst of the situation, when often, things aren't as bleak as I make it out to be. I guess while I'm usually an optimist ("It could be worse!") especially when reassuring myself and faced with a shitty situation, I'm also very much a pessimist and would often rather bail out rather than take my second-best option. Instead, I'd think ahead several steps and take a drastic course of action rather than "settle". I've always had a deep distrust and disdain for the word "settle" and its implications. I'm an extremist in that way. And childish too I reckon. Not at all rational and reasonable. I'd rather break ranks and go off into the unknown than do something I am not 100% passionate about, although I might later discover I can accept it. I am very set in my ways in that way. Maybe that is why one guy after another have said I am a demanding person. Maybe I am. But I have only one life. Why shouldn't I choose to live it the way *I* want. So many things in my life are out of control, why can't I make my choices and forge my own path when ever I can? I deserve it. I cannot keep compromising and find out at the end of my life that I have never made a stand for anything that is important to me.

Anyway, in this particular case, I'm thinking maybe I'll go into Management Consultancy. Or hell.. even Law maybe. Or anything else except for IB, although I have loved it very much, rather than do anything which is not Corporate Finance or even Trading. I can't work 9-5. Or do something that doesn't require an adrenalin rush. Or at least vigorous job rotation and travel opportunities(which MC would offer).

Have responded to this 'crisis' as best I can and now have to play the waiting game. Thank goodness Qitao was there to help me out.

Shit... Have got a reply from Sonia. Laters.

...says i on Thursday, April 24, 2003 at 04:22 p.m.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure -- measure a year?

was looking at my weblog. thinking of doing a black and white scheme maybe the next time round. would love to change it now. but i guess i should try out each layout/colour scheme for a while before changing it. after that, i'd like to change colours altogether and scrap the whole somber black (either background/background of table) thing. after all.. it's summer. hmmm... maybe i should leave the black and white scheme for the coming winter. idea. can maybe do a seasons thingey. hell, why not?

this weblog has been up for more than a year now. quite interesting. but when i read the past entries.. it doesn't actually capture a lot of the detail of my life. partly because i don't give the details here. i realise i don't really talk a lot about the people around me. more like what i'm doing/thinking. stuff in my head basically. reading my weblog, it's almost like there's no one in my life (which true, at least about there being a special someone). but i suppose i don't really want to talk about the people because... well... the people change. and it'll be too much like: i ate eggs for breakfast and the like. then again, i also talk about surfing the net etc.

but anyway... i'm thinking about the song 'Seasons of Love' from "Rent, the musical". How *does* one measure a year? And how can my year be measured? There are 2 levels of life.

One level is the details, the nuts and bolts. The little bits of life... putting shoes on the shoe rack (who is most irresponsible?), taking out the trash (whose turn is it?), jogging in the mornings (shall we jog? or is it too cold? *hopeful look*), who cooks when and what (xinmin tends to cook one-dish, very bland, healthy, soupy meals; carol is usually more of a satchet person, and likes cooking a range of small dishes, into micro-waving now; mai is the healthy-eater, fast cook, yet binges on cakes and sweet stuff; and me the random person in between who increasingly hates cooking and cooks a food for a week to store in the fridge), the bread that we eat (brown, then white, then crusty), getting our television back, drama serials (korean, taiwanese... glass slippers, tu si nan zi wen, meteor garden 2, winter sonata), our crises (flies, then clogged sink, then broken toilet flush).

The other is in the mind, and has nothing to do with all the mundane, banal trivialities that our physical bodies engage in, and drag us down.

To say that reality is the details, that our life is measured by how many slices of bread we eat each week, what bus we take to school or what we do... is like taking a microscope, peering at a particle from our physical self (a stray hair perhaps? or a fibre from our clothes) and pronouncing: "That is the whole." But to say that our life is what we think, imagine, dream, and hope.. is to ignore the physical, and very fundamental, essential part of us. It reminds me of Gulliver's Travels. Years after I studied it and loathed it... I understand now what might have motivated Swift to tackle the problem of writers ignoring the fact that people eat, defecate, urinate, fart and burp.

The thing is.. life is combination of the 2. Of faeces and ideas. Yahoo and Houyhnhnm. Body and soul. The eternal dichotomy explored by Unbearable. One thing I like about books: Long after I read them, they still resonate, still teach me about life and the way things are, and, at random moments, bring about an epiphany, which invigorates me and renews my commitment to this pilgrimage of life.

This brings me back to my question. How do I measure my life? And does this weblog do an adequate job of measuring my life? Or at least give a balanced, snapshot view of my life?

A chunk of this weblog is no longer here, but on my other website instead. That website has been dormant for this year, since I have had no web access at home. That one is the haven for my mind. And a cool, storage cavern for my ideas, philosophical musings and thoughts. This one is kind of a detail thing. But it has ended up being a kind of half-way house. Simply because it does not capture the actual nitty-gritty details of my daily grind. But it serves as a sounding board and record of my *mental* details (what i plan to do, what strikes me about things i encounter). Even then, it misses out on a lot of things, because by the time I am in front of a computer, I may have forgotten/lost the mood to note down many nice things... such as my covent garden visit (which I hope I will detail another day). I'm quite sad that I have lost such a large part of my mental life, yet hold on to so little of my physical life as well. But this is an okay compromise I suppose. Some mental bits I have written down, and that is true for physical bits as well. And anyway, I haven't been too introspective this year (which is good in many ways). And for most of summer for example, it just hasn't been realistically possible for me to note the comings and goings of everything. Although I still remember and cherish a lot of it. I really should write it down somewhere before I grow old and wrinkly and forget all the shining (liquid sunshine!) parts of my life, which are not all good/perfect in a conventional way.

...says i on Wednesday, April 23, 2003 at 01:37 p.m.

Haha...

I redid 2 of my old (sex-related) tests which i did last year. i got the same results for the sexual appetite one (still gazelle which is cool cos i love gazelles) and i've changed sex position. *now* i am '69'. Yippee!! But my second best match is still 'spooning' which means i haven't changed that much. or maybe cos i didn't bother to do the whole prioritising thingey on the test this time round. most tests are frivolous. but this one seems quite okay. mainly a personality thing:

it's quizz time

was surfing and came across a page full of silly quizzes on this RJ J1 girl's blog. decided to take the quizzes just for fun. i think i went through a quiz-taking phase last year too. was it during the exam period i wonder? must have been.

anwyay, here goes...

kiss on the lips - you're sweet and simple but
quite daring. you move for the kill confidently
knowing the other person wants the same thing.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hey!!! i'm so upset!! why didn't i get the image?? Grr.. idiot of a pitas!!! Argh!

More... (let's see if the image turns out). But i *am* pleased to be obsessive compulsive though. it's my preferred disorder! *lol* or at least i think it has an element of truth in it! Haha.

obsessive compulsive

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

and yet another...

You have a surprise kiss! Your partner is always
pleasantly pleased to have you jump outta no
where to dote them with a fun peck on the cheek
or more passionate embrace. super markets and
work places are your favorite places to attack
your loved one with all your love =p

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

and another..

What Drink Are You?

layout/colour scheme

Hmmm... i think i should/will switch colour schemes or layout every month or once every two months. that'll be fun. less boring that way as well... heh... idea! just so i can try out and see what works... i'm getting quite easily bored. doo-di-doo...

winter sonata tonight! yippee.... :))

...says i on Thursday, April 17, 2003 at 05:53 p.m.

the good ol' JC days

Heh... been surfing again. Took a break from Welfare. It's been a long time since I've properly surfed pitas members' sites or read anything interesting anyway, so this was good.

came across this JC (J1) boy's site: glennyong.pitas.com . quite interesting. never thought guys would really be the blogging types. and with such a nice layout and template! oh..and he's a jock-y type person some more! hmm.. must be whole VJ thingey. jocks there are probably less arses than at other places. admittedly, he (and his other guy friends) talk about sports/trainings or football matches though. which is quite alright. modern guys are not that bad.

anyway, was surfing his, and some of his friends' blogs. quite interesting reads. they're so cute... like all of them have blogs (newly discovered admittedly) and have a little community going on or something. *sigh* they're so young and hopeful.. so into the whole friendship or whatever thing. some of them are running for council apparently. it's so strange, reading their blogs. i'm transported back to my younger days... the stuff they talk about... council elections, girls, crashing JCs, pre-U sem etc. theirs is the language of (my) long-ago youth. it was... 4 years (!!!) ago now. jesus h christ! 4 years? Wow... has it been that long ago? wow. J1 in 1999... then now... second year at uni and leaving soon. was i ever that young? i remember the good old days of sitting at our okalheim. lining up for assembly in the morning. it seems so long ago.

- just received an email from kevin. and you know what? i just realised that... well... the army boys... they haven't been through what i have over the past 2 years. i wonder if for them JC life seems remote and far away. is it more remote for them than it is for me i wonder? i guess the difference for me is also because i'm abroad. it's literally a different country out here.

one day... this boy glenny/glenn will grow up. how sad is that? hell... *I*'ll grow 'up' as well. older than i already am now, which is not old at all by most standards, but as old as the hills for me.

c'est le vie.

...says i on Thursday, April 17, 2003 at 03:54 p.m.

everybody should be happy ..sha~la~la~

i'm in a quite a good mood today, cos today has been fabulous! :)

i came in this morning (to the library, to study), booked a seat, and was in the process of moving a typist chair (the type with adjustable seat-heights and wheels) from the computer area to my place when i met Teng Jin coming up the stairs. He was huffinf and puffing and said: "I'm tired. Lemme sit!" and promptly plonked himself on my chair. I was a tad surprised, but we chatted for a bit.

he was like: "so what are you doing with the chair?" I told him and he was like: "where's your seat?" i'm pointed it out and was like: "Why?" And he goes: "sit down." and i knew what he was thinking and was like: "Noo.. you're so tired already, why are you doing this?" And he's like: "nevermind" (seemed in a good mood he did)

anyway... i sat on the chair, and he pushed me all the way (it was just a little way though) to my seat. Wheee!!! :))) It felt so wonderful... having a guy push you on a chair! It's just such a fun carefree light-hearted playful thing to do! It reminded me of long ago when Wei Song and Binh and i were at Changi Airport and they pushed me around as i sat in the luggage trolley! That was really awesome and fun. :))

the sad thing is... Teng Jin actually said: "You're quite heavy." , although i think it was the carpet really. I can't *believe* someone has actually said that *I*'m heavy (although i'm substantially heavier than before). WAAAHH...

But all in all... it's been great! I barely know Teng Jin at all honestly. He was in charge of lighting during Malam Bakti. And i remember Shiuan Ting telling me that Teng Jin told her: "Shiuan Ting... the director shouted at me." and Reagan trying to get me to be nicer to and more appreciative of him! *lol* I've seen him around this year though.. and he told me the other day: "I don't know if you know this, but you're very feisty." And that's such a lovely compliment! Doo-di-doo... i'm so happeeee... :))

anyway... this incident made my day... cos it just shows we (i) can still be young and silly... do something spontaneously... and just generally have fun... with just random people. and boys are nice creatures! :)

after that, something else also kept me in a buoyant mood. the fire alarm rang again (twice in as many weeks!!) which was a bit of a pain. but as i went down the fire escape, there was just one other guy with me (he had an american accent but i doubt he's american cos he had another accent as well. he's probably some european educated in america or something). and on the way down we chatted... bitched about the fire alarms, asked about each others' courses (he was doing accountancy and finance, which was so refreshing. finally... a *white* who's doing accounting and finance... - not sociology, not anthropology, not government... but plain, practical old accounting and finance!)... he's a masters student. anyway... it's so funny how we get to make friends... during fire warnings! xinmin talked to the girl sitting next to her too. If i weren't meeting the rest for lunch, i think that nameless masters student and i would have gone for lunch and made friends. that would have been great! the friendliness of the world! :)))

i really think my social life is receiving a huge boost from the exams. cos i'm actually *out* of my house... and meeting people. i mean... you always tend to meet the same people who study on your floor/area, or simply on the way to school etc... and you chat a bit. i'm generally not a chit chat person. and i reckon a lot of it is just polite chit chat... a formality. but sometimes it's nice to engage in little civil niceties after ages of cooping myself away and being militantly anti-social. and it's quite nice to see and talk to malaysians again.. like andrew (loh), sabrina, teng jin, reagan, leong soon, omar, yen (of course) and even abidin once! for singaporeans..i've been seeing andrew (tian) almost every single day.. and even gary came up to say 'hi' once (and i haven't seen him since who knows when!)! i've even talked to keval and jurui a couple of times!

this surely reduces the pain of studying. anyway.. i'm reminded of my good old RJ days again... when i got closer to my classmates during the exam period. i had never spent so much time with (on a 'social' basis) to know them enough till the exams, when the bunch of us skivved classes to study at Starbucks or Delifrance together! :))) *sigh* what fun. :))

...says i on Wednesday, April 16, 2003 at 07:24 p.m.

I'm so frustrated.

There's nothing I understand! Nothing... NOTHING... NOTHIIINGG!!!!!! URGH!!!!

Never mind. I'm a bright and intelligent girl, and if I only apply myself, I will understand all in time. Amen.

...says i on Thursday, April 10, 2003 at 04:58 p.m.

Fuck...

I can't remember how to differentiate!!!!

...says i on Monday, April 7, 2003 at 03:39 p.m.

transparent

Wo3 hen4 SI3 ta1! wo3 TAO3 YAN4 taaa1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kenapalah ini, saya bodoh sangat? Kenapa? Kenapa? Kenapa? Apalah kekurangan saya? Kenapalah dia tak suka akan saya? Dan kenapalah saya bodoh sangat? Apakah kelebihan dia? Takde pun! Dia pendek, tak cun, bukanlah cerdik sangat, orang pun bukan baik. Kenapalah saya minat akan dia??!! Bodoh! Tolol! Bengang! Aku benci!!!!! Aku bencikan dia!!!!!!!!!!!!! Urgh. Betul ke... saya sukakan dia hanya kerana suara dia, kerana senyuman dia? Betul ke... saya begitu bodoh, begitu tak berguna?! Setiap lelaki yang ku minat pun bermasalah. Sama ada character bermasalah, ataupun attitude bermasalah. You3 wen4 ti2 jiu4 shi4 le lah!!!! Geramnya akuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!

Saya tak nak sukakan dia kerana dia bodoh. Dia tak tahu menhargai saya. Dia buta. Dia tak menkenali nilai saya. Aku bencikan dia. Aku sangat bodoh kan? Dia bukan bangsaku pun! Geram!!! :((((

...says i on Sunday, April 6, 2003 at 03:52 p.m.

Amanda

but then, Amanda is persistent.

and i treasure her for that.

i'm a rather sloppy correspondent to her. but she persists. and i appreciate that. and so i email back. because she does seem like a genuinely nice person as well.

i'm so bad.

must reply to her and bernie soon.

...says i on Monday, March 31, 2003 at 09:18 p.m.

under the Bodhi tree

i haven't heard from jason in a long long time. wonder how or what he's doing now. he said he'd be away for 2 weeks doing Trail work, and a week and a half hiking the Trail. and he said that 28th Feb. He should be back in Delaware now.

isn't it so funny? and silly? that i'm here, across the ocean, thinking abt him? it just seems so unnecessary. what binds me to him? nothing.

wonder if i should email him. part of me wants to. but i don't want to pressure him. like i'm sending an email to say: 'here i am. i'm alive. don't ignore me.' i mean... if he wants to, he'll email me on his own accord. after all, he gave me a shout before he left for the Trail. wouldn't he give me another shout when he returns? and why the hell do i feel like one of those little women sitting at home waiting for their warrior/hunter husband to come back from the outside world or something? fucking idiot i am. but anyway... i've emailed him before.. and he said thank you for being persistent. so i have been persistent before. why should i be persistent again? aren't i just making a nuisance of myself? maybe his muse hasn't come. and therefore i should let it be. and after all... i emailed him: 'have fun. peace to you too...' when he left. a short message. but a message nonetheless... so it's technically his turn to reply and he would never even have the cause to think: maybe she doesn't want to write anymore... cos she hasn't written.. cos i *have*.

and anyway... i was prepared, always... from the start (or so i told myself)... to accept it if he stopped writing one day. after all... there's nothing which actually links the two of us. and he's my passing dream anyway. i said so. it's good enough that we have emailed as long as we have.

i always try to be as da4 fang1 as i can. i've said that i will be. but it's always so difficult to actually *be* da4 fang1 when the time comes. and i end up wanting to cling on. i remember long ago i said to binh: if you ever reach the stage where you don't feel like writing to me, then don't. just stop. don't continue out of obligation. if you ever stop loving me, then leave, don't stay cos' of obligation. yet when the time came, how i wanted him to stay, despite everything. i couldn't just flick my sleeves and "bu4 dai4 zou3 yi2 pian4 yun2 cai3" (i think it was something like that, meaning: 'not take away a single cloud' from the poem 'zai4 bie2 kang1 qiao2', 'farewell, my cambridge' by xu zhimo )

i hope i can be more da4 fang1 in future. definitely more na2 de2 qi3, fan4 de2 xia4 ('can take up, can put down'). but not just that. i guess... it's a very Buddhist thing... to be remote and detached enough... to just let go, and let it be. to be without desires... so you can treasure each beautiful person, each beautiful experience as it comes, but not seek to keep it, possess it, thereby crushing the fragile ephemeral beauty in your closing fist.

...says i on Monday, March 31, 2003 at 08:54 p.m.

tension

tension. tension. tension... I'm going to be informed of my bank placement next week. and i'm really quite nervous and anxious. which bank will i be placed in?

okay... let's go over this (yet again. talk abt flogging a dead horse man!):

BBs: Goldman, Morgan, Merrill, SSB, CSFB,
The rest: JPMorgan, Lehman, Deutsche, UBS, BofA.

Okay.. the possibilities once more:
Goldman [maybe]
Morgan [maybe]
Merrill [maybe]
SSB [X - rejected]
CSFB [maybe]
JPMorgan [maybe]
UBS [maybe]
Deutsche [probably X - rejected, though i technically withdrew before that]
Lehman [X - rejected]
BofA [X - rejected]

okay... 6 possibilities out of 10. shit. not good. got good at all. why didn't i apply for more? what's the WORST i could get? UBS (not that bad still. welfare. will make full time offers even if you don't make the grade, IF they like you) Next worst? CSFB (difficult time. little if any structure training. on its way down. but still, a big name/bank. upside: Andy's there. downside: i don't really like him anymore) Next worse? JPM (enron difficulties. big balance sheet??) Then? Merrill (little respect for junior bankers. hire and fire rep. but still a BB. well-respected. i could do a lot worse) Then.. Morgan and Goldman. (the least worse of the lot... hmmm.. I'm being seriously ungrateful here. okay... i won't worry abt these 2, obviously)

I think they made offers to 18 ppl in the first round. don't know what firm o.g. applied for... and which offer he exploded at them. can't have been GS right? if it was in mid-Feb? lemme think. mid-Feb... definitely not Morgan. could be any one of the rest. so he'll probably get in there. but what abt the other 17 people? shit. i hadn't counted on so many of us being taken in after the first round. wait.. but if they take 12 ppl in through the second round... and abt 3 go to each bank... that covers UBS, DB, Lehman and BofA probably. So i still have CSFB, ML, JPM to go. What if I work in on of those banks? What if what if what if?????? Okay... I could have done a lot worse. I should be thankful, say my prayers, thank God and take whatever comes my way. I could be internship-less now right? Right. Shit shit shit. I'm so nervous..... I wish I'd be told now. But only if I get a bank I love. Aiyah... anyway... some ppl say Morgan is on its way down anyway... so it's not such a good deal. and ppl say GS ppl are snooty and don't know their work and GS is small anyway. so it's no big deal either (pre-emptive sour grapes)

plus... JPMorgan Chase is cool because... it is a big bank? has underwriting capabilities??? has a diverse workforce and global reach (from vault guide)?

Credit Suisse rocks because... well.. Bruce Wassertein and Joe Perella comes from there. That has to count for something right?? SO... CSFB is the cradle of all brilliant dealmakers who will make all future headlines. That rocks!

Merrill. Has a really good rep, only next to GS and Morgan. Big firm... which is good because... 30% of Merrill is larger than the entire Goldman London ops?? (don't even know whether that is strictly true) Anyway... Merrill is a good place to work... ah hah! supposedly more 'cuddly' than the other banks (until it fires you. but let's just ignore that bit for the time being). SO... it means that i'll be happy no matter where i'm placed. definitely! right-o! excellent! phew.

...says i on Saturday, March 29, 2003 at 04:41 p.m.

Bankers are...

... full of hot air and shit.

That's what I've concluded after spending several days haunting the message boards of vault.com .

I've never seen a worse bunch of monkeys and idiots dicking around in my life. I mean, it's not like I'm against fun and stuff. I know I risk sounding like an absolutely tight-assed person (not that anybody is reading this anyway. - i'm just venting)... but these people are just all about swagger and machismo and hot air. I don't know how many *real* bankers are there exactly on those boards. But I sure know there are loads of wannabe-bankers (current, ex, or hopeful interns... as well as young analysts i suppose)... all posturing and acting like they are God's gift to investment banks. And I'm saying this *after* I visited the Venture Capital and Management & Strategy Consulting message boards. The other 2 message boards are definitely WAAAAY more serious. They talk abt serious stuff (either career advice or industry stuff) and it certainly seems like a substantial proportion of the posters are professional. By comparison, the IB boards reads like juvenile high school (I'm sure even college kids should be more mature by now!!) toilet humour rubbish.

Having said that... I guess the IB board is a lot more fun and light-hearted. I think simply because so many of the posters are young wannabe I-Bankers with too much free time on their hands, like yours truly. It's just that I wish some of them would stop posting *so much* rubbish (*some* rubbish is fine, but not too extreme, you know). - It just reminds me of the whole jock posturing culture... all 'I'm a macho man. I'm so kewl cos I'm taking a piss at everything and too kewl to take anything seriously. Everyone who doesn't agree with me is a nerd.' It's just pure testosterone-driven, mindless, male machismo and arrogance. - It's depressing really, the kind of people I'll be meeting and working with. I guess it's also because of the overwhelming number of males in the IB population, which makes it such a jock-y place. Diana has a point I think - that bankers are all chi-chi snivelling types who are snooty and arrogant, even if they are merely secretaries.

I wonder if the overall arrogance of bankers is due to the overwhelming male presence (and males are much more into one-upmanship than females). Or because of the fact that IB is the kind of industry where all the arrogant SOBs flock to (including moi), simply because to survive (if not excel) in the industry, you have to have a really extraordinary sense of self-belief and confidence, which often translates into seeming arrogance. OR... even if you don't have extraordinary self-belief and confidence, the industry is such that you *have* to *appear* so.... and thus all the bluster is just to mask their fragile egos and insecurities (are all bankers secretly insecure at heart then?).

But I'm definitely getting a tad intimidated by all the males posturing. Not because I believe in the BS. I don't. It's just that I honestly think it rather juvenile and annoying to strut around behaving like the king of hill when in actual fact (at this stage at least), we're all mountain turtles... and so I highly doubt I'll be able to interact with these people (at least one of whom I'll meet over summer cos he's in SEO)... and not being able to interact with them (I can't stoop myself to their level) is obviously not going to help. Another reason I'll have difficulty interacting/connecting with them (besides their infantility) is because so many of them (overwhelmingly so) have such negative attitudes towards women in general, sometimes women in IB in particular (true of this SEO mystery intern). And it's just really frustrating.

I don't want to go into IB with a chip on my shoulder. People who have a chip on their shoulders are generally terribly defensive and annoying. But I'm beginning to develop a real chip here... and developing a mixture of defensiveness, agressiveness, and hostility to the male of the species.

...says i on Saturday, March 29, 2003 at 03:53 p.m.

my own woman

i should have more of a life, a stronger character, and more of an independent, cool ice-queen, devil-may-care personality, rather than spending half my day stalking a guy. how pathetic, character-less, lamer and no-life is that? urgh. ah well... one can only be young once. so there. :)

this reminds me of a quote from margaret drabble's The Millstone (roughly): "Emancipated woman this was me: gin bottle in hand, opening my own door with my own latchkey".

well... not *exactly*... but the idea is that after the whole women's lib crap, here i am letting my life be influenced by a mere Y-chromosome carrier. that is just too sad.

...says i on Monday, March 24, 2003 at 06:06 p.m.