~ the road is life ~

homesick

Am feeling really homesick now. Really want to call home, call my friends so bad. I just want out. There's no one who I can talk to left in London. but i have no minutes!!!! Damn!! I really have to buy a pre-paid sim thingey. but realized that the wonderful O2 1000 minutes deal is gone. maybe i should get a whole new handset and contract. that seems quite extreme. but i don't know how else i'm going to survive this summer. am feeling lonely as hell. and this is from a girl who's been spending a lot of time alone. or maybe it's the accumulated aloneness which is getting to me right now. the core the core. concentrate on the little seed within me.

but this is getting bad. it's different from don't-mind-dying mindset. i need to do something soon.

...says i on Friday, June 27, 2003 at 08:46 a.m.

the shit

Had a strange day today. Will talk abt the more recent one first.

Met this guy (yesterday) who told me today that i should smoke weed when i'm bored in london. i should enjoy my third year. chill. meet new people, make new friends.

And you know what? i'm really really sorely tempted, this i'll say. he has asked me out to drink with him and his friends tomorrow. at least i won't be bored. but i'll be so extra. it'll be a reunion of sorts, and there'll be me. anyway, i said i'm going down to cam. j mentioned to w first that he'll be bringing a couple of friends and also get elaine to come along. - i had spent the past three hours moaning abt how bored i was. then when j was telling w abt how he told me to smoke weed when i was bored in london. w was like: no shit! what kind of rubbish are you teaching her? and i'm getting a bit fed up with all these guys thinking they're so damn old. anyway, so i say i'm going down to cam. and w shrugs and says: well you won't be bored then. maybe they think i won't actually take up the offer anyway, since i'm just a kid. having my hair pinned up neatly like a school girl and a pair of specs perched on my nose can hardly help. anyway.. don't want them to feel like they're babysitting me.

am fucking bored and depressed. and confused. don't know who my friends are. who cares and who doesn't. being in a house with absolute strangers doesn't help. three guys and one with an almost breathtakingly beautiful girlfriend.

j says its easy for girls to make new friends. but easier in halls. maybe true man. but like today.. this middle-eastern-looking balding guy who claimed to be french tried to chat me up while i was walking home. well.. that would be taking it a bit far won't it? it's a measure of how bored i am that i was even *considering* going out for a drink with him. although i was so freaked out when he refused to let me off.

maybe it's just cos i haven't partied in a real LOOONNNGG time. and i really need to go out and party once in a while. i'm feeling really oppressed by this whole year of shit. no all night bridge sessions, no drinking, no clubbing. i can die i swear, i can!!! i should've just played cards with mai, hai fei and friend the night before my training weekend. i mean... what was i thinking??!! what was i so uptight for?!! why the hell am i always so 'safe'?? always walking within the fucking lines? it's not like i managed to sleep anyway. i'm in london for goodness' sake!

this whole depression and listlessness shit is going WAAAYY too far. it's not funny anymore. it's a real serious problem right now. i feel like i'm going to do something drastic.

i mean.. w looks like a good kid man. like kinda guai and on the boring side. but he has his wild side. i mean... listening to *him* talking... man... i think he has the mind of a gutter! *lol* but i think it's cool. i mean... no point pretending to be mister goody-two-shoes. fucking hypocritical man. just make like it is. but yeah... at least i understand why generally guys tend to be more reserved around girls. i can see the potential for it to get uncomfortable, and for girls to get offended. and also.. we'll realise what asses they all are.

*sigh* don't know whether it's normal or what. but this whole year i've been so tempted so many times to get wasted, or just to let everything loose man. am sick of this whole prim and proper SHIT! i'm *young*!!!! why am i always so prim and proper, so safe??!!! i've been 20-going-on-40 for so many years of my life. the best years! and now time is running out. there is another way. and if i wait any longer, soon i'll be like these guys, stressed abt getting old. at least they can meet up for drinks to chat and have a reunion. i don't know if i'll have ppl to meet up and drink with 5 years from now. doesn't help tt most ppl i know don't really drink. don't care man.... next year we have to revive the whole year 1 drinking thing! i mean... we were never even extreme. never even got drunk once. safe, boring little girls. even now, generally when given a choice between drinking and not at receptions etc, i say no to alcohol. only because it's proper you know. and i don't want to get tipsy and all red in the face.

but you know what? what's wrong with being tipsy anyway? it's a great way to relax man. i mean... i'm just WAAY too uptight normally. life's no fun. too defensive. can't meet new people that way. i mean.. no wonder the brits drink so much! and it's their social life... because if they are normally so reserved, they need alcohol to relax. shit. *now* i understand where qitao was coming from. i totally agree! as a kid, i was less defensive and i could be natural sober as a nail. but as i get older, and the world gets more complicated... i can see where alcohol comes in handy. but even then, so far i've tended to get quieter the more alcohol i imbibe, cos i control myself. but i really have to remember to relax and let loose. go with the flow.

today was the first time i've been a bit more relaxed. only cos j made the effort to chit chat... and i was mad enough to say i was bored. it's all good man.

so now what?? i'm in halfway house. because most of my friends are classified in the "good" category. don't drink, don't smoke (which is excellent), don't swear. proper and upright. although i reckon that there are some in this category with flexible 'morals' (as defined by society, which i personally don't give a rat's ass about). and i have a few friends in the "average" category: indulges in one or two of the above list, but otherwise stick to the norm. then i have the slightly wilder bunch. out of the societal norms by society*'s standards (where 'society' is defined as the section of humanity in the Asian population classified as "good").

for a long time, i've been a tad wild for the good and average ppl; and way too goody-two-shoes for the wild ppl. it's this middle path that i'm beginning to find oppressive and burdensome. i can't be all things to all people. yet i feel that if i become wilder, i'll be betraying my "good" friends. but i'm young. i'll be young only once.

*if*. i'm saying hypothetically, *if* i chose to go to the "Dark side" ;p... it'll be only for a while. and the essential bit of me doesn't change anyway. my essence is immutable. and i would like to think, basically good. and it's not like i'll ever become truly and completely wild anyway. i'm not built like that.

but anyway, i've said it for ages and ages... that i want to throw off this yoke and become someone else. that's why i left singapore in the first place. because there, i'll be typecast forever. here in a foreign land, i can experiment and not forever be stuck in a role. where (in theory) no one knows me. but society is such that, that is no longer true. and maybe that is why i find london oppressive. new york city, USA... last summer was interesting, even if it could've been better. but it opened my eyes to a whole new world.

i've been so up and down recently. getting *seriously* manic depressive. feel so so much like just imbibing alcohol. maybe something better.... like what j and w told me abt. not talking abt the weed here. fuck. just want to forget this world and just chill. hang loose. - what's happening to me? why am i getting so unstable? because without realising it, i've sunk investment into something. and it hurts.

i wish i'd never do that. must remember what j said: *if there's something which you can't control, make sure it doesn't control you*. how true. - but what if i can't seem to learn it?? i don't think i can. i try and i try but i can't separate emotions from reason. and something that affects my emotional stability will affect my entire ability to function. how long will it take? how long more must i wait? if i never learn... am i really doomed to be alone for life?

all i know is, never again. never again all that pain. while it lasted... that i don't regret. and that is something beautiful and amazing that i should have experienced once in my life anyway. and i treasure it. once is enough for my whole lifetime. but after that... no way jose. i'm still recovering from the repercussions. sometimes the aftermath lasts longer than the actual thing. but will there come a day when the burden of being alone is equal to the probability and magnitude of the expected pain? when that happens... that's when i'm indifferent between the two. and if the burden is greater than the expected repercussions. maybe i'll take it up again. who knows?

for now: onward soldier! eyes ahead, chin up. the road goes on and on.

...says i on Friday, June 27, 2003 at 12:10 a.m.

Censored

-- Have deleted two of my recent entries. --

...says i on Thursday, June 19, 2003 at 12:19 p.m.

House of Love II

Was packing up a bit last night. Mai was packing up as well, so was trying to maximise non-alone packing time. Packing up with someone else is much MUCH more bearable than packing up alone. And it's even better cos Mai can understand how I feel... how tiring and depressing it can get, packing up year after year. She has had quite a few years living out of boxes and suitcases as well, although I have had more. It is at times like these when I yearn for an old friend, someone from good old Hua Zhong days, who've had years and years of packing up - twice a year it was then!! Or anyone who has had long experience of living abroad and, having led a somewhat nomadic existence, who can empathise with the loneliness of it all.

We ended up talking, and ate instant noodles at 4am in the morning! The day was bright when we finally went to bed. And Mai took a picture with her 'laundry shop' (her line of washing) with the brightening sky and Lismore Circus in the background. And it reminded me of long ago days. Of rushed packing through the night. Music on, boxes and piles of clothes and papers everywhere. Chin Kit and I would pack... and sometimes when I was really tired, I'd take a nap. And I actually managed to fall asleep on top of oddly-shaped lumpy piles of stuff which covered my bed, with the room lights all on! Of course we didn't pack all of last night. As I said, we stopped and chatted instead. And we reminisced about our time together in number 4, Ludham.

I've always wished our entire household spent more time together. We practically only had one 'family outing' - the one to Hampstead Heath. And yet, as we reminisced, I realised that we've actually shared a lot together, even if we didn't spend CHUNKS of time together... we still have shared memories, and funny moments. I'm only afraid that I will forget most of it as time passes, since I have an AWFUL memory... which is too selective. Kevin said that I have a memory of a gnat! *lol* I couldn't agree more. So I shall leave this entry for me to write down stuff that I can remember, whenever they occur to me.

I remember the crises we had - first the attack of the flies, then the amazing case of the miraculously, never-endingly, mysteriously regurgitating sink, and then the case of the broken toilet flush (water came out of the bathtub rather than in the toilet bowl). And what I said then, and it was really apt - was that we were "reeling from crisis to crisis".

And the Ludham BS sessions. One brilliant idea was an online dotcom company providing "couple-breaking" services, which has since led to the establishment of 'Time to Break Pte Ltd' (please visit our website at http://timetobreak.pitas.com). We came up with a whole host of fabulous ideas for products, merchandising, basic services as well as packaged services, after-sales services, tie-ins, marketing etc. It was really amazing! I haven't put up most of our ideas online yet. Cos I do it only as and when the spirit moves me. And I have some spoof ideas to take a piss at IBanks as well. Basically, the whole concept (which is not at all done yet) is just to spoof many things in our lives. Like an online inside-joke kinda thing, with references that regular people won't know, cos its topical and specific.

Later on, much more recently.. near the exams, we had this idea to start a noodle company! The company would be called "Loh Xin Mee" and the slogan for our company truck (driven by The Feng, our storeman and truck driver) will be "Mai Ni (my knee), Your Mee!", with Mai's face beaming out at us. We're to start in a hawker centre, with Xinmin as chef, Carol as PR and marketing officer, me as waitress (in a uniform by Gucci or something designed by John Galliano - that's what i negotiated! ;P), Mai as dishwasher, and Kaifeng as truck driver extraordinaire. As the company expands, we'd set up branches all over the world... aiming to at least set up one branch in every continent. By our estimation, pushing it, we could cover China, Malaysia, Singapore, Vietnam (Binh, Minh), Saudi and Oman (My mom), Kenya (Nishit and Farhan), Uganda (Nishit's family?), Pakistan (Farhan), India (Nishit and Aarti), South Africa (Mai's Craig), USA (Jason, and maybe Siew Wei and KL to help out). Then we got really enthused and started pushing it even further: Spain and the entire South American continent except for Argentina (covered by Qitao and his spanish-speaking skills), France and francophone Africa (me I guess), Japan (K and Leng Tuan roll out our operations, or maybe a distant uncle of mine), Egypt (Mai. Cos she's been there before and she got to know this tour guide who'd maybe help us??), Trinidad (Chandradath and Dalia), Australia (Lip Ban? and anyway, so many Sporeans go there), Madagsacar maybe (once Wei Song gets into the groove of things there), (now) Korea (Sonia). Oh and we had plans to localise it. For example, make halal noodles in Egypt, Saudi and Oman; make vegetarian noodles in India. And we'll also use local recipes, market it to the locals etc.

As our noodle empire expands, I want to be CEO/financial controller, although Xinmin will be the ultimate boss. Mai will be the face of "Loh Xin Mee", and she'll be in charge of advertising, marketing and designing, and her dad can design and build all our stores and so on. Zhaotan will be in charge of shipping and logistics, Yingxi can be our government liason in Singapore, to make it easier to get permits and stuff. Kevin can be in charge of our internet accounting or something (he said he wanted to so something like that). Loy stand by to control any diseases or epidemics unleashed by our dodgy noodles. So we'll all be one big happy family, and it'll all be quite fun.

After I thought i flunked out on POE, when Kev suggested that i could become an illegal immigrant washing up dishes in a London chinese restaurant, I was reminded of our noodle empire and told him a bit abt it! *lol*

Then there are the Carmen-dolls. And how we have two Carmens in our kitchen. And once Mai said she saw one one the ground with the legs broken off.

And the jogging. Jogging around Lismore Circus, sometimes to the Heath. And seeing Qitao! There's this dog near the Circus who is the spitting image of Qitao! (except in a doggy form) It's really unbelievable, so I've called him 'Qitao'. And sometimes we'll see Qitao when we jog.

...

...says i on Wednesday, June 18, 2003 at 03:21 p.m.

love in any other language

Started on my: 'try to be more friendly' campaign today. It's not *as* bad/tough as i thought it would be.

Anyway, so today I got to know this pretty and really small Bangladeshi girl. She works at reception and I've seen her around, but have never spoken to her at all, except for stuff like: 'May I have some blutack? Could I borrow a pair of scissors?'

I *love* the way she speaks. And her voice is really gorgeous... low, and husky and incredibly sexy. - I think I'm very much of a voice person really. And she's really articulate too, beautiful enunciation... I could listen to her speak forever honestly! Her voice is comparable to Keval's.

She's quite well-turned out too. - Okay... I can't believe I'm gushing over a random Bangladeshi girl! But it's really quite interesting. I've learnt that the capital of Bangladesh is Dhaka. They speak Bengali/Bangla there (and that is different from the songs some Indians like to listen to. That's 'Bangra' and Bangra is really just a small place in India and presumably the music comes from there). And the weather there is "boiling" (40 over degrees) and it really pours during the rainy season, not like the pathetic drizzle we have in London (there... the weather comes in again).

Anyway, she said that in Bangladesh, there are really rich people and really poor people. The rich ppl send their kids to private school, so they learn English and all. But the poor people don't even know a word of English, so they won't understand what we're saying.

When I heard that... I just had this really weird feeling. It seems like such a strange world out there. And for the first time, I'm actually intrigued by Bangladesh. I never used to be. To me, it was a very flat, often flooded country which grew rice and exported workers. Now, I'm intrigued. It seems strange that I've met a person who comes from a world like that. It seems so far away. I mean... i guess that rationally, I should have known abt the rich/poor divide. But I guess I never really thought abt it. And looking at this girl, who was posh and groomed down to her painted fingertips.. and then imagining a world where others don't speak a word of English.. it seems so jarring. As if two realities are being superimposed one on the other.

I guess the same holds true for India. Even then, I never really thought abt it. Although the signs are there. - There are so many Indians (Indian nationals I mean) who are interested in Development. For example Lord Desai who just retired. Which reminds me... I forgot to write down on this website that I was really inspired by Lord Desai and his retirement debate. And you know what? I think I wouldn't mind being an academic. Or at least doing a Phd. I think our undergrad education has barely scratched the surface of the world out there. And development does seem like quite an interesting suject, even if it is somewhat dominated by Indians. But i reckon i could apply it to other countries instead. Like China and Vietnam or something. Anyway... but the thing abt India is that it is so much more studied and discussed than Bangladesh. India is practically textbook case study. Somehow it never occurred to me that Bangladesh would be like that. Which is ironic. I guess it's just amazing that I've met a Bangladeshi who's not (and i'm not being condescending here) a construction worker. I mean, having seen Bangladeshi construction workers all my life... suddenly seeing a rich Bangladeshi girl... some one on the other side of the fence... it seems surreal.

Anyway... to refer this whole entry back to the title I started off with... I asked her how to say 'I love you' iin Bengali.. something I always do with people who speak a different language. I know how to say 'I love you' in English, Malay, Chinese, French, German, Vietnamese, and Burmese (I was quite please with the Burmese one. I asked this guy called... can't remember his name now... long ago. but the thing is... I can't remember how to say it now. Crap!! i should've written it down some where!). But I won't make the same mistake this time.

"I love you" in Bengali is: "Ami (I) tomakey (you) bhalobashi (love)"

But they don't actually use the English alphabet. They use squiggly writings and this is just a phonetic thingey of the phrase.

It's a bit like French.. I mean, "I love you" in French is also "Je (I) t'(you)aime (love). But French and Malay are similar in the way you tend to put the descriptive word (adjective? adverb?) behind the object (?? - am very bad at grammar and don't really know the bits of sentences). Languages are really quite interesting things. It would be really amazing if I could learn many different languages and see how they all come together. I'm sure most of them will have common threads running through them and it's just so amazing how most languages are related and it'd be interesting to trace their lineage and evolution. Life is never dull.

...says i on Tuesday, June 17, 2003 at 08:31 p.m.

yong3 qi4 (Courage)

i've discovered this song that i have in my laptop. it's by Liang Jing Ru, called {'Yong3 Qi4'} (Courage). The translated chorus goes roughly:

Ai zhen de xu yao yong qi (Love really requires courage)
Lai mian dui liu yan fei yu (To face adversities/ bad gossip and rumours.. [very approximate translation])
Zhi yao ni yi ge yan shen ken ding (As long as you give me one confirming look)
Wo de ai jiu you yi yi (My love will then have meaning)
Wo men dou xu yao yong qi (Both of us need courage)
Qu xiang xin hui zai yi qi (To believe we'll be together)
Ren chao yong ji wo neng gan jue ni (In the crowded sea of humanity I can feel you)
Fang zai wo shou xin li, ni de zhen xin (In my palm, your true heart)

It has been playing in my head last night and the whole of today.

This is exactly what a sucker like me will go for, hook line and sinker. I mean, the song really grabbed me. And I just think it's so sweet... I like singing it. But it's not really fun to sing it when it's not relevant to you you know. There was once I really liked Daniel Bedingfield's 'If you're not the one'. And I identified with the emotions behind the song. Same for this. It'll be so sweet if there was someone I could sing it with.. and we were in love, and we have to be courageous to overcome adversity, and the slings and arrows that are flung our way. And in the end, love will triumph over all. It's the kind of thing I like you know. So i like the song. But at the same time.. the song is irrelevant to me cos... well... cos it doesn't apply at all! it's alright if i had someone and we are both trying to overcome something together. But i have no one. and it's one of those songs you can't sing alone... the whole point of the song is that there's someone else, who shares in this dream.

But anyway... i believe that there is someone out there. Someone meant for me. We haven't met. But surely we will, someday. And maybe that's how this song can apply. Maybe this someone out there is also looking for me? I sure hope he's making the effort and looking hard. I'm rather impatient and if I find out he's been dawdling... I think I'm going to skin him alive! *lol* But we still have nothing to overcome yet... there are no struggles facing us, simply because we haven't met.

But there must be someone out there right? The One. Mister 'And-They-Lived-Happily-Ever-After'. I shall wait. I shall be patient. I reckon I have ten more years anyway. I believe that one day the sun will shine again, just for me. I believe that someday I'll throw my head back and laugh under the sun in an arid desert with this guy. I believe that one day I'll stare into someone's eyes and everything else will melt away. I believe that there is someone who shares my dreams. I believe in foreign lands, exotic food, the wind on my face and sleeping under starry skies. I believe we'll walk along hand in hand though forest glades, bustling markets, and cross meandering rivers. I believe in someone who will 'take me by the hand, take me somewhere new' (lyrics from Avril Lavigne's "I'm with you"). A stranger I'll meet who'll take me by the hand and lead me to an enchanted land, or a captivating experience, and it'll be pure magic and nothing else will matter and I will know for sure he's the one now and forever. Definition of 'forever', being: "for as long as I want to roam free under the rolling clouds".

That's all I want in life... to travel and live a nomadic life. To discover unexpected wonders. To forever have that magical feeling I get when travelling. As I said before: Leng Tuan once said that she had never seen me so happy, or laughed as much as I did on the Spain-Portugal trip; and Qitao said that I was more stable in Czech than in London. You see... to me, travelling is like being in love. I need never be in love as long as I can travel. All I want then, is a person who will share my dreams, who will travel with me, and we'll discover new places together. And I'm sure I'll meet him one day, my barefoot prince with wanderlust, who will walk along with me.

Sometimes I think I'm the silliest person alive. If, at the brink of the apex of my as career as a top IBanker, dealing with gadzillions of dollars, having a nice apartment, affluent lifestyle, and designer clothes, I meet the man of my dreams...and had to choose between them, I would give it all up and go gallivanting across the globe. Isn't that just plain idiotic? That's taking die-hard romantic one step too far.

I reckon it's only my mood right now. I'm sure when the time actually comes, I won't lose my head and give the world up for a mere Y-chromosome carrier. Or else I must be *DAMN* sure of the guy. That he won't screw me over and fuck up my life.

...says i on Monday, June 16, 2003 at 08:38 p.m.

how to lose yourself in 10 days

exams have finally ended. erm... something like 10 days ago. but in the initial aftermath of the end of exams, i felt quite deflated... like i didn't believe that the exams properly and actually ended. then i went to Milan and have come back. i don't know man... i don't feel at all rested after my exams. i haven't truly relaxed at all. yet at the same time, i don't think i've achieved much at all either. and i'm just kind of dazed and lethargic most of the time.

at least i'm updating this right now. been feeling so groggy and aimless. don't even feel the buzz of starting work.

the best part abt of the whole 10 days since the exams ended is my trip to Milan. Although the trip started off somewhat disastrously (i had more adventures in London... on my way to Milan, than in Milan itself!), i was very happy about the whole thing. Didn't like Milan very much, and I felt I didn't 'achieve' much in many ways... although I saw Michelangelo's 'Pieta Rondanini'! But I felt that it was good because it helped build my confidence in travelling alone to a non-English-speaking country, and i learnt a lot abt how to plan for a trip and what could go wrong etc. So it was one hell of a learning experience. and i got a bit of my travel bug back. :) - HURRAY!!!!! have this crazy idea to go to Sofia (Bulgaria) from Milan, then from there into Turkey by bus. Don't think i'll actually do that in the end. But having crazy ideas is a good start.

Then i met Sonia and went shopping one day; went on a truncated shopping trip with Leng Tuan one day; accompanied Jackie and my aunt on a sight-seeing thingey around London (which ended up being a mini-shopping trip) one day; sleeping in practically the whole of yesterday; and then meeting Sonia for a shopping trip again today. and that pretty much sums up my 10 days of freedom (or slavery to shopping) thus far. Hmmm.. no wonder i feel so knackered.

Don't feel like I'm at all prepared for summer. Haven't done any of my readings so far, although I made a start on one reading last night, which is good i suppose. I ought to do so much more by 30th of June, but right now I'm still stuck on the clothes aspect of the whole thing. Which tires me out far more than any amount of reading could do. And i'm not all too keen on hitting the books again so soon after exams you know. And then there's the packing which never fails to depress me. I wish Qitao was here as he was last year when I packed up. But oh well... that can't be helped.

okay... now i shall head to oxford street again, to do what is hopefully the last of all shopping, amen.

...says i on Monday, June 16, 2003 at 01:08 p.m.