~ the road is life ~

life change
Saturday, August 10, 2002
12:41 p.m.

i was bored the other day (thursday), and so i decided to get my belly button pierced. cos i've been feeling bored and restless right? and i've been thinking i need a big life change. i cant/wont get a summer fling. and rather than turning to smoking or drugs... and dont want to dye hair cos i still like my hair pristine and besides it'll be costly and troublesome to upkeep, what with the redyeing and all... so i decided to pierce my belly button! :) okay... so its not really a major life change at all. but well... i'm really boring that way. in this sense i can be rather straight and narrow ... inhibited as i said... cos if i feel bored and feeling like doing something darstic, i just channel it into 'safe' soucres! :) the last time i felt really bored in sec 3 or 4, i got my ears pierced. haha! but it was a big thing for me yeah, cos i was really afraid of pain!

i certainly hope i only get bored once every 5 years or so. cos or else i really dont know what i'll do, after i dye my hair and get a tattoo, i'll certainly run out of things to amuse myself with. i've been seeing loads of girls sporting belly rings, walking in their itsy bitsy bikinis, and i think it looks seriously sexy. so... here i go! :) i've asked frank (the briarwood van driver) abt body-piercing places last night, and he said he'll bring me to waterbury to get it done tomorrow (sunday). hooray! :) after that... i'll have to buff up a bit and flatten my abs, then i start my midriff-baring life! whoopee! i wish i'd done it earlier though. cos most people do such piercings in their teens. i'm like just out of my teens and *now* i decide to do it. i suppose i feel my youth is running out, and i better do it as soon as i can while i'm still somewhat young and can afford to flaunt part of my body a little (although my stomach is kind of rounded. *sighs*). :)

almost famous
Wednesday, August 7, 2002
11:33 a.m.

just watched almost famous last night. i understand why it was so critically acclaimed now. i thought it was a really thought-provoking film, and a sensitive/well-thought out portrayal of the coming of age of william miller, and the crazy world of rock and roll...

at least it gave me food for thought. i've been pondering on it somewhat since.

but i have to off to work now. going to be late. will update later.

coasters
Wednesday, August 7, 2002
11:28 a.m.

rode on some of the roller coasters at the park yesterday - zoomerang and boulder dash. i thought i was a major wuss about rides and all... cos i'm really chickenshit. and the first time i sat on wild cat, i felt really sick and like i was going to die. my heart was almost jumping out of my chest. but now i figure that maybe its cos i drank loads the night before that.. and also the coaster didnt give you a feeling of security... cos my butt dlew off the seat... and i was convinced that the coaster was built for bigger-sized ang mohs and a small asian like me will fly off and die. nevermind that little slips of kids would ride it, bold as brass! ;)

anyway... it was surprisingly okay. i was really scared sometimes... but it wasnt *too* bad... maybe cos there was a bunch of us... and it doesnt seem so bad then... when you ahve company and you're being silly together... like putting my hands up during boulder dash gave me something else, besides dying, to concentrate on... which helped a lot!

*maybe* i'll go with kathryn and simon to six flags after all... just to get this fear out of my system.. and since i think i *might* dare to go on the rides and.. dare i say... enjoy it as well??

body and soul I ( a la "Unbearable Lightness of Being")
Monday, August 5, 2002
07:20 p.m.

after i logged off the last time, i remembered what i wanted to say... and since there's *currently* no queue for the pc (a rare event)... i might as well take the opportunity to write.

well.. firstly... I JOGGED!!!!!! :) sunday... for 16 minutes non-stop. *beams proudly* i think i'll try to do it 3 times a week at least... to get into some kind of shape for my planned Appalachian Trail Conference (ATC) volunteer thingey... *if* i get accepted (i hope i do... pretty please..)

another reason for the jogging is that i've been feeling my bulk recently. - i'm not fat *at all*. and i'd like to make this clear... that i dont think i'm fat or anything. but recently... i've actually felt my weight.. i notice that i have a physical body encasing who i am. when i walk, i notice my arms rubbing against my sides... i am conscious of the flesh around me then.. which has *never* happened before. its just *so* weird. i just suddenly feel like i have so much flesh.. and i feel myself lugging the weight around and i feel faintly disturbed repelled by it. on the other hand... on the whole i have much better body-confidence now... since loads of americans are bigger-sized than me. so its not that i think i'm fat in that way... its just that i feel so... *corporeal* some how...

and as i've said, i've been bored recently... just plain bored. and sometimes restless. i know i have stuff to do... like my MC stuff (which is due really soon... but its tough doing that since i need the damn PC. bummer.) and planning or something. but i just dont really have the will to do it. and sometimes... coupled with my sudden feeling of corporealness and solidity... sometimes i just feel too lazy to eat. i just dont feel like eating food... it just doesnt interest me. but then... dont worry abt me turning anorexic... cos at abt midnight or past midnight... my stonach will start rumbling like CRAZY and i'll eat then. and of course there's my steak-cooking thingey going on when i feel like it. but its really strange for me to be nost passionate about food. - maybe its just all the sandwiches i've eaten.. the monotony of which is getting to me. and i eat loads of carbo (bread, instant noodles) and meat (salami, tuna, and luncheon meat... and now steak) and almost no veggies (only tinned corn and now sauerkraut)... but greens are perishable... and its so difficult to go grocery-shopping here.. what with 24 of us sharing one van which has operating hours of 9.30-12 in the mornings and 8.30-10 at night.... and we have to take into acct it having to drop people off at work and back. and i cant shop at night cos i ALWAYS close, except maybe once a week. Rah rah!!

tonight there's going to be major party at briarwood (where i stay). loads of americans from work are coming and all. i'm not drinking with them tonight. partly cos i have no real access to alcohol... dont know who went to buy it and blah... partly cos i dont know most of the americans and am not really keen on knowing them anyway (i'm being miss anti-social again... dont know why... its a mood thing... i'm very self-contained and inward this trip)... and partly cos of.. yeah as i said... my self-containedness. like all my friends who know me would say i'm very enthusiastic, emotional, off-the-wall, bouncy, hyper... or whatever you know.. but here... i barely have the energy to do anything. maybe i'm just really shy and reserved. i dont know... i just cant get out of my self somehow. like everything is going on in my head. and i think its a waste of alcohol for me to drink... since no matter how much i drink, i never seem to be able to get wasted enough to get out of myself and become more free and uninhibited. i'm still quiet, and very very self-contained. i cant just get drunk and go wild and all rah rah. i'm just like... woozy and hazy... and i sit by myself enjoying the music. even if my stomach is heaving and i feel like i'm abt to hurl... and my face is so red that people ask me: 'did you get sunburnt today eilene?' i'll still be so bloody.... i really cant think of a better word than "self-contained"... - that is perfectly descriptive!

its a real waste.. cos the people here are really nice. its just that i'm stuck in this... a bit of a rut thing. i guess it was the mood i'd set in coming out here anyway. i didnt really set out to go out and party on this trip.

i set out to escape from my troubles and unhappiness. i set out to find peace. - it was supposed to be an introspective thing... a self-discovery type thingey anyway. - haha... or maybe i'm just making excuses for my lack of social adeptness and shyness and inherent anti-socialness... *sigh* never mind... i'll get better at it... i'll get the hang of socialising.

but otherwise... other than my unruffled containment... which is somewhat annoying to me. i wish i could be who i am... that the people here would be able to see who i really am (or who i *think* i really am)... the fun, whacky, zany me (none of them would ever describe me thus). anyway... other than that... which is not *too* bad really... since its just the summer... and it doesnt matter really what they think (although it still matters somewhat... ridiculous as it seems... which is why i think i'm still being somewhat adolescent. if i were a cool, inner-poised {just read 'bridget jone's diary'!!! :) its smashing} adult... i'd be unruffled and unconcerned with my peers' idea of me. i dont really think so actually... but that's really the rational way for humans to behave)... ANYWAY... (i do tend to run off at tangents!)... the point is... yeah... pop the champagne babies!!!... - i'm BAAACK!!! as in... i'm happy again. :) i'm getting back on my feet... i have an "ultimate plan". i know what i want. i have mini-goals and large ones.. short, and medium term ones. it's still a bit shakey... hence my 'semi-withdrawal' from the world while trying to work things out - okay okay.... i'm just being a wuss and making excuses for myself! ;) - i'll stop. :)

but definitely... heng ei-lene is back. :)

and life is good* baby!! :)

_{* if still somewhat confusing and unpredictable. but then... isnt that what makes life so interesting and exciting?? :) to feel *ALIVE*!! "on the demon-ridden pilgrimage of life, what next i wonder?" {approximate quote from "The Sea, The Sea"}}

pondering
Monday, August 5, 2002
06:02 p.m.

been thinking off and on recently...

have a clearer idea of what i want to do... what i want.. or who i am... or maybe in a way... its more like i'm more confused about who i am. dont know really.

in a sense... i think maybe i'm progressing in a lot of things... at other times, i'm not too sure.

i've been kind of realizing and discovering quite a few things recently. no time to talk abt it now. will write more another day.

but among other things... i've realized that i'm occasionally still susceptible to adoslescent-type things... like some form of peer pressure. i'm surprised cos i dont think i've really had that before. or maybe i just never knew.

love you all lots.

stephiee is coming to visit meeeee....!!!! yay!!!! :) don't stand me up yar? :)

tales of terror from the kitchen of hell
Monday, August 5, 2002
05:08 p.m.

life so far..

there was a practically-tropical thunderstorm a couple of days ago... electricity and water was down ranging from a couple of hours to one whole night... and one of the pathetic *two* computers available is out of order... which means that my net-accessibility has dramatically dropped. - how frail is america really?? in *malaysia*... electricity and water supplies hold up in tropical storms. and america is a first-world country, while malaysia is not. bah!

been somewhat bored lately... have started getting into this cooking thing.

the other day andy (robbo) told me about this really cheap steak offer... beef slabs which costs about 10 *pounds* back in britain are on sale for only about 1.60 *dollars* here. i wouldnt really know how true that claim is, since i never go meat-shopping back home (in london) and i have poot-idea how much meat costs. but i took his word for it and bought 2 slabs (i find myself turning into a compulsive mom-type adult... what with my obsession with 'stocking up' and keeping everything in freezers! - oh my god!!). i asked andy how he cooks his steaks, and he said that he just dumps it on the pan, and first he turns the heat up really high for a couple of minutes, then he lets it sizzle for the rest of the time. since i know ZILCH about cooking (steaks and otherwise), i was like: uh okay... and decided to follow his 'advice'.

now... for my culinary exploits...

this was on saturday: i took the slab of beef out of the freezer. it was HUGE. i stared at it for a bit: to cut or not to cut? it was decided: i'll give it the chop. but then i somehow remember someone having told me that its not good to defrost meat and then freeze it again, cos there's be bacteria or something. so i was like: shit... how to cut it? it was *frozen* yeah. i gamely took up this small kitchen knife and sawed steadily away at it... saw saw saw... doo-di-do... saw saw saw... not much progress. it was past noon and i had to work at 2... and i still had to get changed, pack dinner and take the 20-minute walk to work. shit shit shit. so i ran the slab under tap water to defrost it some more. some more sawing.... it got about halfway through the hunk of meat... i tried to snap the frozen beef in half by holding both ends and using my fingers to press up against the middle portion where half the beef was sawed through... hey... it was an idea alright? - but it didnt work. so i ran it longer under the tap water... and eventually managed to saw my slab into two. put one back in the freezer, stared at my remaining half. it still has ice-chips on it and the meat was still rock hard. so i dumped it into the microwave to defrost. the sides got browned, but the insides were still bloody. so i chucked it onto a buttered pan, put the flame on to '8' and waited. doo-di-doo.... flipped it a couple of times, then tried the sizzling. i got it in my mind to do fried egges and corn on the side.. a real three-course western meal. THEN i got a brainwave... why not marinate the beef slab in raw egg then fry it? i'm sure i've seen that done in some restaurant before... but to be on the safe side, i decided to fry one egg normally, then dip the steak into another egg. so i grabbed the half-cooked beef and dumped it into the container i used to microwave the beef (to keep post-lunch dish-washing to a minimum), fried one egg, then awkwardly dumped the fried egg into the said container with the steak inside. broke another egg into the heated and re-buttered pan, then skewered the steak with a fork and knife (i was using the fork and knife to cook.. again... to save on washing!) and dumped it onto the pan. tried to flip the steak on both sides and get as much uncooked egg as possible on the steak... but a lot of the egg was pretty much cooked and wouldnt stick. juice was still coming out the steak... and i thought it was blood, so i thought it was still majorly raw.. so i kept it on.. (although i wanted it somewhat rare-ish). then i was like... i'm sure it doesnt take *that* long. cut up the steak... the inside was really well-done. shit! turned off the fire, dumped fried egg into pan and ate from the pan, opened a ccan of corn and ate the corn straight from the can. note top myself: 'juice' will come out of the beef forever... so it doesnt mean its still raw!

the next day (sunday): decided that i was game to cook the other half of the beef slab. first step: defrost the beef... chuck it into the microwave (that was easy enough). decided to try out the can of sauerkraut i bought.. and to do a really classic western meal... with eggs *and* garlic bread. yum.... [five seconds later]... but i'll have to wash up the frying pan after that... - i suddenly remembered jackie's method of cooking: dump it into the microwave!! i have a theory that everything on earth acn be cooked in a microwave. i decided i couldnt be arsed ro fry the beef, so i might as well scrap the eggs and save on washing. i got the random idea that if i buttered (okay... its margarine... cos its cheaper than butter) the beef slab, it might taste better. so i stopped the mirowave, buttered both sides, and chucked it in again, turning it over. wandered around to the computers to see if i could sneak in a quick email before removing the beef. nopes... computers occupied. back to the beef... i had no idea how long to cook the beef for... and i didnd even know whether the number "1" button on the microwave, which i pressed... was for defrost or cooking. but someone told me before that it was defrost. so although it seemed to be working well enough, i decided to cook the beef with number "2" as well, since i felt that just chucking in the microwave was *too* simple to be true. so i thought that if i did more things like change the buttons... it might be better cooked?? as for why i picked number "2" button?? i figured: if number 1 defrost.... there's some kind of probability that number 2 is 'cook' right? never mind that there are 8 other buttons, none of which are labelled. so i turned it to number 2, wandered back to my room (the microwave was in the student centre) to brush my teeth and wash my face. wandered back... some minutes have elapsed (i had no real idea how many exactly). i stopped it, flipped the steak over, then switched on number 2 again. went back to my apartment, wandered around, read a magazine.... then i was like: oops... the meat!!! went back to the microwave... erm... it still looks the same. had no idea if it was cooked or not. but stopped the microwave anyway. - it was cooked... slightly overdone in fact. there was a lot of beef 'juice' around the side of the dish.. decided not to leave it there and eat it cos Ran (one od the blokes here) who was in the student centre, might get grossed out. but it was too delicious to waste. so i poured it into a container and refridgerated it, intending to use it the next time i cook noodles or something. now tell me... doesnt that sound exactly like what a *housewife* would do? or your mom would do? - god help me!

i hope i've amused you all with my culinary escapades... as you can see.. my cooking is entirely random. :) till next time then.. on the next installation of "tales of terror from the kitchen of hell"!!

highlights of my boring life
Monday, July 29, 2002
10:58 a.m.

forgot to write this yesterday... the highlight of yesterday (besides eating KFC!!! yum..) was that i found this really nice mocha-flavoured lip gloss and bought it. it has a nice colour and shine. and quite yummy too. might buy a couple more before i go home. wish i had brought some make-up over. ah well.

and today's highlight (never mind that my day has just started...) was that i've devised a way to tie a high 'ponytail' using 3 of the butterfly clips i bought in glasgow. i've been getting really bored with my work 'hairstyle'... clip two butterfly clips to keep my fringe off my face. so i've been thinking of doing that putting hair up thing i did with hairpins in RJ (the one everyone was saying was more suited for prom than daily wear). the first thing i did when i woke up this morning was to try just that. but my hair is too long now. so i started experimenting and... voila! it seems quite "robust" (a statistics term! yum... ;)) now... hopefully it can stand the rigours of working life. h@h@!

that's all for now. the exciting life of work and idiotic customers beckon....

bitching
Sunday, July 28, 2002
01:42 a.m.

i got delaware ("the first state") today (saturday).

it was quite a crap day at work. spilled the ice-cream twice. the cones werent in the container properly, i toppled over whoel crate of drinks as i was getting to the ice-cream, the ice-cream overflow cup was almost going to oveflow, my twist cones were seriously lopsided and there was a long queue for ice-cream. and i was feeling lethargic and just a general sort of malaise. i was suddenly just damn tired of working, of smiling at people, of cleaning up. i was damn tired of washing dishes, damn tired of bringing out the garbage. i've just tied up and lugged out one too many garbage bag.

and the 'Main Gate' ice-cream thing was *after* my break. before my break, i was doing the second register. usually i like doing register. but suddenly i was just tired of stupid people taking too damn much candy, and then changing their minds *after* i've keyed in the amount. like this lady was like: 'how much is this?' and put it on the table as if to buy it anyway(and i was thinking: 'there's a fucking label there you dick'). after i keyed it in and went: "$2.39" she was like: "WHAT?! $2.39?! that's too ex. melissa (or janey ot tom, or dick or whatever her damn kid's name would be), put this back. no way am i going to pay so much.' and i was like: 'you fuckface. read the damn label before buying it will you?' cos its not like there was no price tag there. she just couldnt give a rat's ass to take the quickest peek. and *after* i key in the damn thing, *then* she wants to be bloody stingy with her money. and make me go through the entire damn process of voiding the whole damn thing, while loads of customers wait in queue.

you might think: 'what's the fuss? she just changed her mind. no biggie. void it.. it doesn take that long.' true enough... UNTIL YOU GET 10 CUSTOMERS IN A BLOODY ROW CHANGING THEIR DAMN MINDS!!! "can i put some of this candy back? cos i want some of my money back." ( a bloody five minutes after she's bought it... and when the store is SHIT crowded some more. these dickheads never come and fuss you when its nice and quiet. they all fucking POUR down on you during the PEAK period, when everyone troops in, jabbers at the top of their bloody voices, take stuff and put them back (in the WRONG places!), mess up the candy and displays, litter all over the floor, making it look like some indonesian squatter area, AND change their minds every five seconds about what they want to buy, AFTER you've rung them up. or else... they'll put all their stuff on the table. and after you've rung them up, they go: 'oh i also want some fudge/reeses pieces/frosted pretzels...' and that's a separate queue to be served. and so you either have the make ALL the customers in queue wait, or else you have to void it. and you feel like telling the customer: "look, you idiot. you want the fudge, go to the goddam fudge counter yourself. dont stand here at the register and BLEAT at me!" they'll often presumptuously say: " i also want a piece of fudge this size (some size is shown using their hands)." and expect you to key in a price for "this size" and help them cut to the front of the fudge queue. like... DUH!!! its priced by WEIGHT... not by some airy-fairy hand gestures, you BOZO!!

*sigh*

man... i'm just getting crazy with all this shite. the strain of smiling and being chipper the whole day... especially the strain of smiling to FUCKING IDIOTS... is beginning to show. sometimes my smile gets strained. or i'll be smiling and making small talk. but i feel somewhat giddy... or really distant from it all. like i'm a robot... or i'm inside a robot, hearing the ronot emitting sounds. and when i go to the backroom, i can physically feel the smile DRAINING from my face. leaving it a horrible, cold mask, devoid of any trace of emotions. cos after wearing my cheeriness for so long, a vacuum is all i'm capable of enduring.

WHOO-HOO!!!
Friday, July 26, 2002
12:25 a.m.

trivial news first. i got south carolina on tuesday and i got new jersey today (thursday actually)!! :) i'm talking abt the quarters of course!

NOW for the good news. I GOT AN OVERALL FIRST!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!

my marks are as follows:
Econs - 75
econs his - 64
maths - 68
Stats - 78

- not the best results in the world, since i got through pretty scrapily, while i'm sure the rest score their first by MILES. *but* this has been the exam with the LEAST amount of last minute work since sec 1. (although i've been doing *some*what regular work throughout the year). and my stats mark is pretty much a disgrace, since i had 120 marks to score off. maths is somewhat of a disappointment... but i made loads of careless mistakes. *sigh* econs is my real pride and joy... :) i calculated that i'd get abt 75-80, which is pretty spot on. but it's my pride and joy not cos of my good estimation of marks clearly! ;) i could have done better if i'd studied more. and econs history is a big relief yet big disappointment. i'd abandoned it cos i never included it as one of the papers i needed to score in. cos i thought, it being a reading paper... and a historical one at that (my A-leve history totally demoralised me!!)... the best i'd ever get is a 2:1, so just ffk it. BUT... considering i'd studied a (generous) MAXIMUM of only 24 hours in total for the paper... i realised i could have done MUCH MUCH better. and i could very well have scored a first on it. and a good, relaxing first at that! it kinda sucks, cos its my favorite subject. when i think of the fact that i actually had 12 days to study for it... :) - guess how i spent it?? going out with kok lik and jinnie... and i spent the 2 days right before my paper (10-11 june, when my paper was 12th june) going for the 24-hour women in i-banking thing. haha. i'm pretty chuffed. but i wish i had been less lackadaisial about it. ah well. :)

now and forever
Monday, July 22, 2002
10:15 p.m.

WHOO-HOO!!!! i got my social security card and number!!!!!!!!!!!! this will be number i'll be using for the rest of my life... even if i return here in future for an 'adult' job... this will be it!!! i've already got the number. i feel one step closer to working and living in NYC.... and becoming a true-blue New Yorker!! one step closer to my american dream. it seems crazy... it's like a key to forever. (not literally... i hardly want to work here forever!)

meanwhile, to amuse myself, i've decided to collect all the states' commemorative quarters. just a little project to occupy myself with... a small goal to work towards to prevent myself from hurling myself off the Boulder Dash or the Wildcat in desperate boredom! ;)

i have collected the following states so far: NEW YORK!!!!!!, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Virginia, Tennessee, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, Rhode Island, Ohio, Georgia, North Carolina, Kentucky and this USA quarter which is nonetheless different from the usual one. this one has a guy instead of the bird-like symbol on the back.

I'm BAAAACK!!!
Sunday, July 21, 2002
11:42 p.m.

okay. finally. i'm back from the almost-dead. :)

i'm now in CT (connecticut), in the blessed land of the free, home of the brave. working in the "Sweet Shoppe" at Lake Compounce, this theme park in this tiny, expensive "Nutmeg State".

i'd been meaning to write for ages... when i first landed in the Big Apple, the city of my dreams. i send out this crazy, hysterical email... i was high on New York. high on simply *being* in New York City and breathing its air. mmmm.....

and when i first came, so much was new and interesting. and i had some interesting encounters with americans, and i was quite happy bumping along and i did a lot of thinking which really cleared my thus-far muddle head. i wanted to write all of it down here. but then i figured i'll put it on my travel pages when i get back to london and my trusty laptop and my ftp client. that's why i didnt write much. no point duplicating stuff yeah?

then there i got to working. between being really knackered and trying to decide how i enjoyed my more settled-down life here and actually settling down, i delayed writing yet some more.

but now i'm back from the land of silence. and there is a point in checking these pages again! ;)

ummm... what am i up to now? mainly tanning. on my days off, i go to the Lake to sunbathe. i got my first paycheck just this past friday (2 days ago). i was really happy. that i got my first paycheck. but i had mixed feelings about the *amount* i saw printed on that slip of paper. but that's irrelevant.

i can't believe i'm actually living in the US of A and working here. it's crazy. seems still somewhat dream-like, even though the ache in my feet from so much standing all day should surely tell me otherwise. but mainly the somewhat 'unreality' of it is due to the fact that i work in a theme park... and its not really as gritty and as much of a real-life experience as other kinds of work.

in the meanwhile, i've also turned 20 last week. an event which got me quite down. although i got somewhat wasted on the eve of my birthday leading to it, by coincidence. my first time here. it was... uh.. an interesting experience.

now i'm trying to decide what to do after my contract ends. have several might-be travel plans floating around in my head. but none of them really jump out at me and grab me by the neck.... which leaves me somewhat in a state of indecisive discontent.

also in a state of suspense about my results. i've faxed my department abt it last thursday (18th july) but til now, NO NEWS. CRAP! have sent an email to the crap person in charge to harangue him (or her??) abt my results. hope i'll get it tmr and i'm keeping my fingers crossed for a good result. if i dont get it tmr, i'll re-fax my stuff and maybe throw myself off a cliff in frustration.

so... that's all the updates for now! ;)