~ the road is life ~

starting the engine
Tuesday, February 26, 2002
12:39 a.m.
started doing some academic work today, after letting go of it all for the past six weeks.
and this weekend after the play, i allowed myself to sleep to repay my sleep debt and all the lost energy during the play. i'm still not fully rested and still have "bloody great suitcases under my eyes". so i've just started the doing-work engine this morning... running a bit slow now. rather hard to get over the inertia, and start doing academics work after so long.
bleah

malam bakti
Sunday, February 24, 2002
02:26 a.m.
the play is over finally. on friday, the 22nd of feb (22/02/2002), the play was presented to the public. it was a really good run... the actors acted as they never had before, no one forgot their lines, or missed their cues, the audience was supportive and laughed at most funny (and loads more un-funny bits). the audience was laughing practically non-stop, which was seriously gratifying. and it was a good play all in all, if i may say so.
i was really happy that night, cos everybody enjoyed themselves.. the audience, my actors and i. and my friends were there. and i got flowers... [=)].. one bouquet of orange tulips for being the director, and a bunch of yellow-and-orange tulips by the passfield girls. i really like flowers. [=)] and i was really touched that the passfield girls gave me flowers. - i didn't expect it. and i felt that all my hard work had paid off, cos the night was just the best i guess. all the weeks of skipping classes, not having enough sleep, coming home at 11+ at night, being so tired that i fell asleep while sitting and talking to friends, having a 9-5 school day but only attending one hour of lesson and falling asleep for half-an-hour out of that one hour, going through all the details of the play, worrying about the lighting and e hassling the lighting guy ("i want the blue lights ON! where are the blue lights?? NO... not the orange lights. that's supposed to be off now!")
the play was my baby. my very first baby. cos directing is very different from acting, or producing, or doing any other part of the play. as any of those, you just do your job and do it well, and that's it. but directing, you take care of every detail, and everything goes through you. you go through the sound and music, you decide on the artistic direction of the play, you dictate the lighting, set, costumes. you tell the actors what to do, where to stand, if and when you feel it necessary you give feedback on their performance. you ensure the props are where they're supposed to be. some things you delegate, or you leave up to the individual members to decide. but you decide which to do things to delegate, and which to keep an eye on. so with directing, it's really an all-round job. you really have to take care of many things, in many ways. and at the same time, you have to always remain calm and reasonable and be an anchor in the midst of it all. like how to be relaxed about certain things, and how to take care in dealing with people.. be sensitive to people's feelings and deal with them in their own individual ways, so as to create as supportive and friendly as possible an environment for the play.
i've never been so involved before i guess. especially not in so many aspects at once. and since i've done everything else in drama (besides sound) before this, i guess this directing experience rather brought it all together and really 'synthesized' my entire dramatic experience and brought it to a different, deeper level altogether.
i think binh would know how it is with me.. how much drama means to me. it's really a passion for me. it's more than a mere interest, or just something i do. it's something i feel for. and when i said in all those essays that i wanted a truly comprehensive experience of drama, i wasn;t lying. it wasn't all bull-shit. i want, very much, a truly whole experience of drama.
and i guess i've achieved that with this. as in... after everything else... this play just finished the entire thing and made the experience whole. and i get a really great sense of achievement, and a kind of quiet, content, warm, glowy satisfaction from it. very much how i imagine a mother must feel after the birth of her baby. (unless she's experiencing post-partum depression)
this play was my baby. my dearest, sweetest, most cherished child. and it meant the world to me that binh was there. cause it would be like saying that my passion is worth it, it is worth supporting. it is not something which is just me... which only i think it's worthwhile, but is important enough, has a greater meaning and significance beyond myself. that someone else, on earth appreciates it, appreciates its significance, appreciates the effort i have put into it.
i guess i have grown as a person as the play progressed. at the beginning, i was totally adrift, and rather panicky about how to go about it. and i was seriously rather haphazard about it. i got by by thinking, whenever confronted with uncertainty: 'what did joel do in this situation?' and with that, i took the first few shaky steps of my directorial debut. and when i felt scared.. like: 'this is too much for me. i can't handle it... this is just too big', i'll think: 'steff could handle it. she was brave enough to it. - why not you?' and that really kept me going at the start. but as days went on, i slowly, without realizing it, came into my own as a director. i became more confident, and did things my own way... I became more firm and assertive in my demands ( in other words... bossy! )... and sometimes even rather strict and severe... even with the the students who were my seniors. but, i would like to think, that through it all, i was as fair and human as i could be. as in, whenever the actors had a request to skip rehearsals, i would let them go without much of a fuss. i rarely berated latecomers unless they were severely late, and repeatedly so. i was flexible with most deadlines, and just said: 'take your time'. i tried to encourage maximum creative input from others and keep my own unbendable demands to a minimum. all other points were negotiable, incorporated, or we'd compromise, or i'd test it out till they themselves realise it doesn't work. basically i tried to reduce and minimise friction wherever possible.
i never knew i could be authoritative before this. i always thought i'd be too soft-hearted, or to scared of hurting people's feelings to effectively lead. but this was an eye-opening experience in that sense. cos i realized that you can be authoritative yet be sensitive and gentle to people's feelings. and i discovered that i can be fierce enough to be firm about things and willing to take a harder tone with people when need be. and i'm actually not *that* severely incapacitated by the inability and unwillingness to hurt people's feelings. cos when need be, on important issues, i will be willing to take even elders to task about a job badly done or undone. however, i try to only do that on issues which i feel are critical. most of the time i just let things be, or take the soft method of doing things rather than the hard one.
it was truly a learning experience... in terms of drama, as well as as a person.

when dishes fly
Friday, February 22, 2002
12:40 a.m.
tomorrow, as defined by 'after i sleep and wake up' (cos it's really today).. the 22nd of Feb 2002 is the big day.
everyone's nagging me to go to sleep in preparation for the opening of 'when dishes fly'.. never mind that i'm not acting in it. - i'm just the director...
i hope it all turns out well though. so much has gone into it... i don't know what i shall do after it ends.

apathy
Thursday, February 21, 2002
12:50 a.m.
i came across this pitas site: http://omega99.pitas.com
and... i guess i wanted to share this site with anyone who might read this. because... while everyone has a different experience... and comes to a different understanding of life, i read his weblog... and i felt that it said something which i understand, and feel... or felt.. but never put into words. i could put it into words. but he's been there first.
and in a way, i especially appreciate this particular weblog because i understand what the guy is roughly going through... because i am going through something like that myself. and sometimes, when you know someone out there is going through what you are.. and can put it into words... you feel a kind of closeness. and you feel a kind of fellow-feeling across the vast web.
like i understand coping with the loss of someone you love. and the confusion, especially when you remain friends. there is a deeper dimension, especially when you can also read his ex-girlfriend's side of the story at http://slyflame.pitas.com (linked from his page)
and it hurts i guess. i just want to tell them... if you love each other, don't let go. if you care... why go through all the confusion and the pain? please, please just love. and let all thing be. live and let live.
and his entry about apathy is really poignant: " The opposite of love isn't hate, it's actually apathy. And naturally, being hated isn't fun, but having no one care about you... that one cuts deep. Apathy is such a horrid thing because it's not something you do to someone on purpose. No one wakes up and says "I don't care about you anymore.""
anyway... i also loved his checklist of what you need to do by 21. and i guess it's something of a milestone and he has reached it, but i haven't. and i guess, i suddenly remember that i have to live life. and i have set his checklist as a kind of benchmark... i should live at least that much of life by the time i'm 21.
it seems like quite a lot of life to have lived. and i guess the confusion is all part of it. to have loved. to have had your heart broken. to have found god, and lost him in the darkness of the days you have gone through. and to re-invent him, because you need a god to believe in. and i have gone through all that i guess.
life.

good day/bad day
Wednesday, February 20, 2002
12:44 a.m.
things that made my day (in chronological order):
1) got email from kevin - he's back home safe from brunei!
2) got email from my parents. yippee! they've finally set up and email account!
3) got an email from rbos saying that they want to telephone interview me. - at least i've passed the very first stage...
4) i ate muah chee!!!!!!! at a singapore food fest thing. made by this guy i had a crush on.
5)i've discovered how to change the font from lousy default 'times new roman' to this funky, readable 'verdana'. apparently, the font tag has to outside the body tag!!
6) i've discovered how to change font size for my individual journal entries. apparently, you have to put a separate font tag for each table. - how tedious.
7) having a good rant and cry. feel so much more relieved and light-hearted now.

things that broke my day (in chronological order):
1) a friend asking: 'do i have a choice about going to malam bakti?' - bloody hell! i'm working my ass off here and you ask me that?? what kind of support is that?
2) the rehearsal. disastrous. practically everyone flubbed their lines. the cool matrix scene was totally off. lighting is still neither here nor there.
3) another friend saying that he's going to miss the play cos he's going to germany this weekend.
4) talking to the guy i had a crush on, as a good friend, and promising to go a play, which the girl he likes is involved in. knowing that he likes the girl very much, being happy for him, honoured that you're his confidante, and yet... it's a bitter-sweet, semi-depressing thing.
5) having some evil spirit from the past, rising to haunt me once more. i exorcise it - get thee behind satan!

so is it a good day or bad day overall?? - i stand on the positive side, after my manic energy has been spent and my pent-up frustration and stress released. =)

countdown to D-Day
Tuesday, February 19, 2002
12:12 a.m.
had goodish rehearsals today. a full-run, with costume and hair done up. but the actors forgot tonnes of lines, and one whole crucial chunk, which almost sent me into cardiac arrest.
but i suppose it's normal. and they should be fine on D-Day itself.
did the lighting meself today. damn lighting guy didnt turn up.
hugged andrew.
had the most emotional comm meeting ever...

web-addict
Sunday, February 17, 2002
11:35 p.m.
i think i'm getting seriously addicted to the web. and this damn pitas site. cos they have a directory of the most recent posts by members, so one gets tempted to take a peek at them to get ideas.
there are loads of web-design geniuses out there i tell you. inspiring! and loads of people like me.. no-lifers who log details of their mundane existence online... as if anyone would want to read them. ha!
but there i was, reading them. it's really interesting.. reading bits from other people's life.. it's a really interesting experience. maybe it's the voyeuristic side of me appearing.
but since we all only have one life, and, as milan kundera said in 'unbearable lightness of being'... (paraphrased... i have to dig up the quote another day).. 'having only one life, we cannot compare with our previous lives or those to come. so this life becomes light and weightless'. reading other people's weblogs give us a peek into another life... an alternative path that we ourselves might have chosen. which means, we get to live countless lives vicariously.
feeling a bit crummy about my own pedestrian website after seeing countless cool-funky ones. must learn css!!!!
anyway... i'm increasingly addicted to this web-community thing and trawling of the web for bits of other people's lives to feed my ravenous hunger for more life. but, ironically enough... by camping in front of the computer... i'm actually reducing my 'real' life for a 'virtual' life. doesn't that suck?
i hope to god that this is just a phase. preferably a really short one at that!!
i *have* to go off now... to sleep probably. i give up wrestling with bases, dimensions and all those mathematical crap for MA100.
i leave you with a cool pitas site to check out. as in.. there's this funny comic joke there: http://crescendo.pitas.com

one of those days
Sunday, February 17, 2002
09:21 p.m.
this was another one of those pointless days.
woke up late-ish, listened to scorpion songs while surfing a bit, then went to trafalgar to watch some chinese new year performance crap. what attracted me was the lion dance.
i was one of the shortest people around there, stood of tiptoe for ages just to catch a glimpse of red, black and orange swathes of cloth and fur. caught some fire crackers at leicester square.
apparently, ang moh kids here play with those kind of fire-crackerly-things on chinese new year too... you know... the kind which look like commas, wrapped with sawdust? which make a pop sound when you throw them on the ground? not to mention that more than half of the crowd at trafalgar were ang moh. and ken livingstone, mayor of london, gave some speech. one good thing was that i got a 'gold packet' (as opposed to the red variety) from the 'money god' at chinatown.
got lost walking back to school from chinatown... only a 20-minute walk. quite embarassing... ended up taking a tube and being 20 minutes late for rehearsal. the director! imagine that!
did one full run, minus set and costume. just to time it, and get the actors used to improvising if they forget their lines on the night itself.
i think i shall give andrew a hug someday soon. been trying to resist that for days now.. but no! i don't have 'a thing' for him. he has few-ish lines, so he spends his free stage-time making faces or smiling at me. he's just so cute... (as in u.b.a... but not ugly...) and a real chum as well. quite sensitive to my feelings during rehearsals. like when i'm at the point of erupting or bursting an artery, he'll smile at me and say something nice like: 'relax' or 'how're you feeling?' to defuse my anger. such a dear..
missed passfield dinner again. i'm so sick of missing my proper dinners and eating junk.
just did an online numeracy test for my RBOS internship application. didn't have time to finish the last 5 questions out of 25. crap. feeling bleahed-out now. at least i was honest in my psychometric (or issit just the pscho part?) and said i was 'below average' in numeracy!

twilight zone
Sunday, February 17, 2002
03:44 a.m.
this is a seriously weird day.
had rehearsals today. - for those not in the know, i'm directing a play for malaysia club. it's comedy and it's opening nex fri, 22nd feb. anyway, most of it is done, except for the lighting. and usually rehearsals are quite good. but today, everything just went wrong... and the lighting was hell, cos the guy just can't seem to understand that i want the blue and pink lights on dammit!
if that wasn't enough, i came back to an empty room (xin min my roomie had gone away for the weekend), and after four hours of bumming and surfing (discovering this site!), i felt restless, and bored, and decided to call up the remaining passfield girls. lo and behold... they were all mysteriously uncontactable. i began panicking and almost thought that they'd been kidnapped by aliens. i had a really eerie, twilight zone feeling about it all...
couldn't sleep. called binh to chat... was feeling lonely and really spookified. prattled on for about an hour and a half while he sat on the other end of the line typing his essay. i was feeling quite warm and drowsy by then and quite happy to go to sleep.
when i got an email from this stranger with whom i had been regularly exchanging emails with for the past week or so (it's an unbelievable, and rather complicated story). and anyway, i just replied him out of boredom. we ended up shuttling emails for more than three hours (i was surfing and icq-ing too of course). and we had the strangest 'conversation'... it was *so* super twilight zone. i think i've been too seriously tired out nowadays... my brain is malfunctioning...

bored and frustrated
Saturday, February 16, 2002
10:21 p.m.
post rehearsal, i came back, intending to do work. instead, i got around to surfing the web. and four hours later, i have yet to touch my book. feeling bored and frustrated and restless in general.
dammit!

surfing
Saturday, February 16, 2002
09:05 p.m.
i was surfing (as usual!) when i came across a really cool, ad-free website hosted by pitas.com. so i decided to check it out, and it's really cool... ad-free, seriously easy to update... pretty much idiot-proof.. although i don't know how to add more pages or pictures.
anyway... i also discovered this phenomenon known as 'blog'... cos everyone on pitas.com seem to be using the 'blog'... which stumped me. i was like: 'what is blog?' so i typed it in google, and found out that it's a really huge phenomenon... basically its a weblog or ongoing online journal. except that it has really user-friendly interface. as i said: idiot-proof. much easier than a website proper.
i signed up for a pitas account cos it seems quite fun and cool. but i'm not going to abandon my website of course. it's just that right now i'm moving house from geocities to this other place. and since i'm involved in a production now, i'm kinda too busy to move my website and do a proper house-warming. you know... renovation and the the like...
so here i'm tinkling with this thing first. super plain for now... and just words. but i don't think i'll be doing much to it honestly. my deeper thoughts will be on my website lah. this is just for chatting or daily updates which i always think are too trivial to put on my website, but they're still a part of my life... hence this 'blog'... to use trendy jargon. haha