my life in a box

...my life in a box...

a blog for "neat" people with a ton of links

Sunday, January 18, 2004, 04:19 p.m.
odds and ends of a nothing Sunday

Hmmm... it's been a terribly pointless day so far. Slept for 13 hours. From 10pm last night (that was how knackered i was. and my ankles and feet died from the damnable high heels i was forced to endure for > 12 hours standing yesterady) till 11.30 this morning.
Read some LOTR parodies at: http://www.livejournal.com/users/mollyringwraith/1826.html.
Watched this video clip of farm animals: http://www.petatv.com/tvpopup/video.asp?video=mym2002, which really put me off eating meat. *sigh* just as i was about to try out my aunt's lovely chicken 'kutu' recipe. now my heart shrinks, just thinking of the farm animals.
But I shall try cooking the chicken anyway, when Jackie comes down to London. Then I can cook for my housemates and Jackie at the same time, which is great stuff. Unless the entire thing bombs. I thought of trying it out before hand. But just the thought of cooking tires me out.
Bought some fine beans and tomatoes from Safeway. Thought the beans were 79p, but turned out to be 1.89 pounds (damn!), so I was quite annoyed.
That's all in my mundane, 'auntie' life.

***

Saturday, January 17, 2004, 08:51 p.m.

Just came back from the SEO interview session. My feet are beyond all manners of killing me. ("Beyond all manners of" is my latest pet phrase).
It was an INCREDIBLE learning experience...

***

Saturday, January 17, 2004, 06:25 a.m.
Har-dee-har-har

You're Sensitive and you'd like to stay that way..
-Sensitive- You're Sensitive, and you'd like to
stay that way. Sorry,listened to a bit too much
Jewel there. You're sweet and very emotionally
charged. You definitely love the person you're
with, and always want to know how they're
feeling so you can make sure they're happy.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
And why am I awake this early?
Answer: I couldn't sleep. Despite having slept at 1am +. I found myself awake at 5.08am.
Oh.. today I'm volunteering as a marshall for SEO [website: http://seo-london.org/]. Basically ushering the interviewees around and babysitting them and all that rot. It's my first day and I don't want to be late. Also... I'm going to be trying out my new, future work wardrobe: New suit and new rimless, professional-looking specs. BUAH HA HA HA HA! - It's be fun! *winks*

***

Wednesday, January 14, 2004, 09:54 p.m.
A few hours later

Am freezing my butt off here. And feeling quite grumpy after all. It's waaayy too cold...

***

Wednesday, January 14, 2004, 07:17 p.m.
Hello London!

Am so glad to be back in London! Hello cold weather! Hello short hours! Hello my darling laptop! Hello my annoying room which suddenly seems less tiny! Hello duty roster for cleaning the house! Aye, if washing toilets and vacuuming floors is the price i have to pay for independence, then i shall be happy to pay it! i even miss it!
And now I shall grab a bite. I'm really knackered.

***

Sunday, January 11, 2004, 12:34 p.m.
If you're happy and you know it clap your hands

I've just discovered that the girl I developed an INSTANTANEOUS crush on has LOADS of girls crushing on her. I was telling a good friend (through whom I met her oh so briefly) that I had a crush on her. This friend said: 'Oh you have a crush on her. What's new.' I was like: 'What do you mean?' And my friend said: 'Every girl has a crush on XXXX!' WAAAAAAAIIILLLLLLL!!!!!!!!
What I love about her is that she is rather tomboyish without being over wannabe-mannish with all the swaggering and posing. She's still cute and neurotic in the uniquely kooky way that girls have. And she's gentle, somewhat soft spoken. She's graceful in her own way, and incredibly adorable in the way she speaks, her mannerisms, and her earnestness and attendant slight insecurities. Although I don't know why she should be even the slightest bit insecure since I think she's amazing and instantly lovable, cuddly and apparently she has dated gadzillions of girls from my school before.
In other news... I just saw a picture of the beautiful boy. I almost wonder why I ever... Sometimes I think I was dropped on the head as a baby. Why have I been so obsessed with the beautiful boy for so long? I think by doing so, I have blinkered myself. It's not that he wasn't wonderful then. But maybe I made him out to be more than he is, and I believed that it is not possible for there to be a more wonderful, kind, caring guy on earth. Especially not one that was peculiarly suited to me and perfect for me. But the fact is... I have never given anyone else the chance to be that wonderful. And besides... the fact that we've broken up is a clear indication that we are NOT peculiarly suited to each other.

***

Saturday, January 10, 2004, 04:55 p.m.
An image in my mind

A good friend once said that all her life she has sought to be independent. And just when she thought she has managed it, something happens that makes her realise that her goal is still a distant dream.
I didn't see it in that light then. As in... I understood her point of view... and emphathised. But I didn't really see my life as a struggle for independence. I mean... that struggle for independence, it was part of my life, yes. But it was not the main motif/theme in my life. Not the main plot so to speak.
But recently, I've come to realise that maybe this struggle for independence is not a subplot, but the main plot after all.
Another good friend has concluded that I just need a boyfriend. And I am really upset at that. I'm a feminist and a thoroughly modern person. If the conclusion is true, it undermines my entire existence, my whole raison d'etre. For a capable, young person (woman??) to be dependant on a member of the male species?
I can't decide if I'm a fatalist, or someone who believes in the ability of the individual to affect his/her path. Generally I'm totally with Sartre (or what I perceive his philosophy to be. - I have not actually read any of his original work)... and I believe that it is our ability to choose which makes us human. At other times, I am very much influenced by psychologists, who believe that we are the product of our past, our environment. Or even the geneticists, who believe we are the product of our genes. Apparently recent research has shown that genes affect more than our health (such as hereditary diseases) but also affect our behaviour and attitudes, including smoking and racism. Although I rather question the assumptions that lie behind the research (the scientists compare the behaviours and attitudes of fraternal twins who only share 50% of their genes, compared to identical twins, who share 100% of their genes). I mean... maybe there is a special psychological effect of being identical (looking the same and so on), which makes you feel more connected, have less of an individual identity... and therefore you tend to mimic each other more? So maybe it is not genetics but psychology which form the basis of their observations.
Either way... if psychologists and geneticists have their way, we're all pre-programmed to run a certain course. If you believe the psychologists, only through consciously dealing with your past and environment (eg. seeing a shrink) can you escape your conditioned behaviour and hang-ups. If you believe the geneticists, then you're doomed. A pawn to the DNA matrix.
This question disturbs me because, if the conclusion my friend made is true (and tentatively I am inclined to agree with her), then I want to change this fact. I want to change my emotional and psychological dependence on a currently non-existent Y-chromosome carrier. But perhaps the root of my dependence is deep and in the past. So how do I go back and correct all that?
But then again, many other girls come to a point in time when they need a boyfriend. And even for guys there comes a time when they just need a girlfriend. I can always tell when the time has come when it is imperative for someone to get attached.
But I want to change this.
Why do most guys assume they will get married and settle down eventually? I mean... like they are so confident that someone would actually want them, eventually. Why are girls less confident? But the point is... both sexes... they want to get together with the opposite sex at some point in time and build a family. Why? Why are we all addicted to the idea of love, of matrimony, of the one perhaps?
I want to change that. I don't want to have a need to be with someone male. I don't want my happiness to be tied up in one person. It's too risky that way. I don't want my happiness to be tied up with ANYBODY.
I want to be perfectly independent. I want to be like the guy in "Farewell Cambridge" (Zai bie kang qiao). I want to be like a boat. A wooden sampan. Painted white. In the middle of a wide, calm expanse of an ocean. An ocean so vast that you don't see anything on the horizon. No land, no mountain. Just an invisible line where sky meets sea. I want a simple bed. A single bed with white sheets. That is the single most vivid image I took away from "Possession" (A.S. Byatt) the first time I read it. Which was why I loved it so much and was so jealous of it. I hold that image close to my heart. A single bed with white sheets. Perfectly free. Free as a bird in the sky.

***

Saturday, January 10, 2004, 01:04 a.m.
!!!

1) Independence is good. (Corollary: I am not coming back to Singapore. There is nothing left for me here.)
2) I met this wonderful funny girl who I now have a crush on! :>

***

Friday, January 2, 2004, 11:45 p.m.
LiveJournal

Hooray!! I am now a user of LiveJournal!!
I'm not really s'posed to be blogging but I couldn't resist commemorating this day! For a time, LiveJournal refused to give accounts to people unless they are recommended by an existing LiveJournal user which means I had absolutely to way of getting one. But now... yippee!
One may ask: Why the excessive gaiety for what is just another blog?
Answer: [1] Because LiveJournal is a great name - It sounds exactly like what it is supposed to be. And it has no ads. Pitas doesn't exactly sound like a blog location and other places like Blogspot and Blogdrive have ads. Which are a no-no.
[2] And LiveJournal has some really cool and interesting features.. like you can feature your friends' entries on one page (not like that matters since I have no friends on LiveJournal. - Wanna move, anyone?), plus there's a cool calendar function, which is really convenient. Also an inbuilt comment function I think. Although I think they limit styling and design, which is a downer.
[3] I like new things... Well... I'm kinda restless, just want to have a look at how another blog location will be like. I'm curious.
[4] Plus it might give me a chance for differentiation or something. One for random thoughts, one for deep philosophical ramblings (yeah right) and the like. I used to have a website (for thoughts and deeper stuff) and pitas (for regular updates). But then the website (no ads, lots of space) became difficult, initially cos it required FTP and I had no net access for a year. Then because it has now asked me to PAY for the service.
Haha... I'm a shallow, fickle, and easily amused girl! BUAHAHAHAHA

***

Tuesday, December 16, 2003, 07:14 p.m.
Written by Mai

Some entries ago, I mentioned that I had dinner with the Ludham girls and Mai wrote a piece about it. I'm putting it up here, with her permission (Use 'Chinese Simplified' encoding to view this):
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***

Tuesday, December 16, 2003, 06:46 p.m.
Negaraku*

Haven▓t updated this for a long, long time. It▓s likely that I▓ll not be blogging for another month yet.
Am back in Malaysia for almost a week now. It▓s not actually as hot as I expected, or as Xinmin predicted. After all, the temperature was higher in UK over the summer (a record high of 38 degree Celsius). √ But the humidity! Oh┘ the humidity here is terrible. I find it unbearable if the fan is not switched on.
Paris was┘ well┘ a mixed experience. Will post more details some other day. And the Eurostar back to London was delayed because of a demonstration on the track. I was deathly worried that I▓d miss my Heathrow flight that night.
I lugged my damnable luggage, which turned out to weigh 30kg, from my house to the Tower Hill tube. And a journey which should take no more than 10, 15 minutes tops, took almost 30-40 minutes. Even with wheels, the luggage was hell to drag. And this is why I hate going home┘ struggling with luggage in the cold, a task compounded by a slippery grip.
The first thing I ate was tose with fish curry at the Nasi Kandar shop near my house. Yummm┘ I▓ve missed it much. So far, I▓ve eaten curry noodles, roti telur (roti canai/prata with egg) with fish curry, young tau foo, chicken rice (roasted and white chicken) with roasted pork, fried kuay teow (but not the true blue char kuay teow I like), wantan mee, ang ku kuih (but a green version), a nonya kuih and the kind of praying kuih which looks like a muffin┘ and I▓ve drank the tarik and the typical ice tea found in coffee shops. Oh and I▓ve eaten my mom▓s bitter gourd with chicken, and tau pok!
Tonight I▓m heading to Kelantan to visit my grandma and eat nasi berlauk, Kelantanese laksa, putu mayam (yay!!! Hopefully putu piring especially), nasi kukus etc. I can▓t wait┘ although I reckon I▓ll be bored stiff spending 4 days there. Ah well.
Reading: ▒Tai Pan▓ by James Clavell
Going back: 14th Jan
* Malay for 'My country'. Also the title of my National anthem.

***

Saturday, December 6, 2003, 02:31 a.m.
Journeying

Going to Paris tomorrow/today. Room's in a mess. Clothes piled mountainously on my bed. Have not yet packed for my flight home. Am stumped, frankly. Want to bring my notes home to study, but I'm not sure how much and which to bring. The thought of lugging all the crap home through the hot and stuffy tube is enough to put the fear of God into even the most stalwart heart! Unsure if I should put the smaller suitcase into the larger one (since I have less things to carry home), but will it be enough for my notes. Or will the two-suitcases-combined-into-one be too heavy for me to manoeuvre on my own? But if I drag them separately, it's going to be quite a pain too. And THIS is why I used to hate going back to Malaysia from Singapore. Six years of shuttling across the Causeway, two huge bags slung on either shoulder, and crossing the Causeway on foot (if I'm running late and /or 170 is packed) under the hot sun. Or else trying to use the bags to strategically squeeze my way in and push others out. Then there is always the agony of being on the jam-packed 170... if I get a seat, I'll have a struggle with my conscience that one bag is taking up a whole seat. But sometimes it is impossible for me (relatively small though I be) and my two gargantuan bagsokay.. nvm... let's go back to me being sexy (PLUS a backpack sometimes) to all squeeze into one seat. And if I stand, there is also the misery of being in everyone else's way... my bags like deathly booby traps, just waiting to trip up some poor unsuspecting auntie. Having to bend down among the damp, stale bodies to shift my bags out of the way, then back again whenever someone passes by. - What a trial it was!
Plus, on Wednesday, it will be dark. And I will be alone. And a tiny bit depressed, no doubt. I just pray I don't cry all the way home, as I am apt to do on my journeys between Singapore and KL. Must bring a book. Or else watch every movie on MAS. - I've never flown MAS internationally actually. Ah well... better not get myself depressed about going home so soon. Concentrate on good things. - Paris tomorrow/today!! My dream!! - Hmmm.. tell u the story of Paris another time. ;)
It'll be cold... *sigh* But at least I have a scarf and gloves to keep me warm!

***

Friday, December 5, 2003, 05:35 p.m.
C vs. I

A classmate of mine commented that I have a very high discount rate, on hearing that I was thinking of skivving 2 weeks of school to spend Chinese New Year at home... ie. I tend to consume in the present.
I thought about it. And I do think she is right. Look at the loan for my uni education.
And then also the fact that I'd like to pursue higher education where possible. A Masters for a start, then a PhD after, if possible. If my second year grades were even marginally above abysmal, I'd be very very sorely tempted to just ffk my loan and study more. Even now... if there were any chance at all that I would be accepted by LSE's Masters programme, I'd study.
And let's face it... education beyond undergraduate level is consumption, not investment. The incremental education does not necessarily result in proportional increment in pay. It is common knowledge that Masters don't actually any direct value... say, in the tangible form of increased starting salary. PhD. Well... that is even more remote. If nothing else, it serves to actually rule you out for some jobs ("We feel you are over-qualified for the job." - And I have actually heard my big bosses say that about a candidate for a position!). Although naturally there are really cool specialist positions for PhD students too, mainly in the sciences. Pharmaceuticals, aeronautic-defence-type R&D which may provide compensation commensurate with the cost of education, relative to other jobs within the sector, which require less qualifications. Although... unless I'm terribly mistaken (somebody please correct me if I am wrong)... CEOs command much higher pay than any engineer, however brilliant. And CEOs only need an MBA at most, and not even then sometimes (see: Bernie Ebbers, the ex-boss of WorldCom, now reincarnated as MCI). And say if you were a banker, you'd earn a great deal more in banking (at the higher echelons and maybe the somewhat mediocre ones too) than you can ever hope to aspire to in academia. - Xinmin told me that her personal tutor's pay doubled (at least!) when he moved into an investment bank. And this is in the bad times. Admittedly PhDs have value in a bank too... but generally only math PhDs... cos only math or engineering PhDs are required in options and derivatives-pricing. So Econs postgrads are very poorly compensated indeed. - Except... *maybe* as Economists of a bank. Hmm... I didn't think of that. Or in the UN or IMF or World Bank. But I don't reckon they pay much at all, do they? - Hmm... must check that one out, cos then it'll totally puncture my proposition that further education beyond undergrad level is consumption and not investment - in the sense that it is not a project with positive NPV.
Ah well... that is something that must be considered. But in general, I do think that postgraduate studies is comsumption rather than investment. And I don't know why, but I really do want to consume!
As a kid, never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I'd do a PhD. It seemed so remote... and only massively brainy-genius people can do it. Now, I think it is within my grasp, although I still wonder if I have the capacity... brain-wise... and ability to sit-down-for-a-long-enough-time-to-get-one-bit-of-information-into-my-head-, or produce one-bit-of-research-wise.
Anyway. That's all for now. The end of term! Hooray!!!! :D

***

Friday, December 5, 2003, 11:17 a.m.
It's AU Barrel Day again!

It's AU Barrel Day again today! Don't know if I've mentioned it in my previous blog entries, but the AU Barrel Day is the one day every year in week 9 of Michaelmas Term when people from the AU (Athletic Union) dress up in all kinds of weird and wonderful costumes and parade down Kingsway and all around Aldwych and then through the Peacock theatre during EC101, the biggest single lecture group. - Oh ya... and there's one naked guy (like starkers!) leading the group too.
Last year, there was a big hullabaloo at the rumour that the Barrel march might be cancelled or at least adjusted. Apparently they had disrupted King's exams the year before. News articles were written in the Beaver, loudly denouncing the great evil and unfairness of the LSE administration. This year all is good.
A whole group of them congregated outside the Tuns, one of our resident bars. We had quite a few George Bushes in Bush masks (possibly recycled from the "Stop the Way Coalition" demonstrations and numerous other anti-Bush demonstrations. Hmmm... maybe I should have invested in one. Let me reiterate: Being anti-Bush is not = Being anti-Blair). We had people in Mexican hats, guys cross-dressed as angels, with the loveliest furry angel wings in baby pink, and I was treated to the view of some guy's curly leg hair between the hem of his skirt, and the top of his blue checkered knee-high stockings.
I really wish I brought my camera today. I almost did as I left the house this morning, to take snaps of my own unofficial last day of term. But I have a big zit and look rank, so decided against it. - Darn!
the case for LSE: not so cookie-cutter after all
I'm really going to miss all this. The madness, the carefree-ness, the vibrance of student life. - Although I myself tend to be cooped up... it's still nice to vicariously enjoy the pleasures of a crazy life. LSE has a great atmosphere anyway. Even though sometimes the people tend to be obsessed corporate types, all wannabe bankers and consultants (even then they still play), there are actually people who are here for the knowledge and pursuit of higher goals as well (see: [1] my Development Econs post-grad teacher, [2] my Development Econs classmate. Maybe it's the Development people, cos by definition they tend to be more enthused and idealistic. - My teacher said that the Development undergrads are very enthusiastic. - That's true actually.)
And then there are those who are active in student politics (well... if not exactly the most noble or worthy of pursuits, at least it is diversity), or those who campaign for different rights, or engage in debate (see: [1] the West-Bank wall debate, [2] George Bush debate etc), so I sometimes I beg to differ with Mai. But I reckon by now Mai possibly has a different opinion from before.
a digression...
- But then, I tend to love my schools. There is always a silver lining to every cloud, something you can learn from everything... and each experience shapes you. I believe in positivity in that way... my environment shapes me. And I'm very happy about every formative environment I have been in so far - IJ, RJ and now LSE. A great mixture of the quirky and passionate, and the more mainstream, nerdy competition.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm truly happy the path my life has taken so far because it is the true utility-maximising choice (ie. if I could go back and choose all paths, would I choose this particular path. That is, is this the set oc choices which optimises my experience of life? That solves the maximisation problem: 'Max Uf(life) ; wrt school, countries, friends, activities, uni, travels, vacation activities etc'? - Not that I'll actually be able to solve this system of equations, my math being so abysmal)
Or is it that I'm just very easily contented (in THIS aspect, not in other aspects of life, in which I am HIGHLY easily discontented)... and exciteable... like a little girl... in the sense that... every experience in life is good, wonderful and awe-inspiring. Take the cards that life deals me, try to change it if possible, and whatever the outcome, I'm happy with it and try to maximise my utility given those constraints (hmmm... constrained maximisation where you get a local optimum), and so I'm never unhappy. In which case, had I spent all my life in Malaysia, studying in sec school there, doing the STPM etc, I would have been equally happy. Hmmm... - can that be the case? - After all, I was distraught at the thought of not going abroad for uni. - But it's an interesting thing to ponder on.
another protest:
Incidentally, I saw a poster proclaiming: "Howard Davies holds you in contempt!" - "LSE Director attends a banquet with George Bush, against the opinions of LSE staff and students" (not verbatim) and the like. And they trot out his war-mongering 'credentials' so to speak - the fact that he was the CEO (I think. Or else some high position) of a "major arms manufacturer".
And so, life at LSE goes on...

***

Friday, December 5, 2003, 08:40 a.m.
An early start

School in the early morning is good. Houghton street is clean, empty and almost poetic in its tranquility.
An early morning cup of coffee from Wrights Bar, where the workers are washing the dishes and preparing for the start of a new day..
And a virtually empty C120. Rows upon rows of black computers and chairs arranged in neat lines, as I try to piece together two halves of one law essay.

***

Thursday, December 4, 2003, 01:22 a.m.
Disclaimer: I was possessed (see entry below)

Long long ago I said there were two entries by Jeff Cotten that struck me. I was just just rooting around for those entries. And here they are:

Dreamscapes
Monday, February 18, 2002
02:35 p.m.
My old psychology teacher had the priveledge of teaching me one of life's most valuable pieces of information. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's actually apathy. And naturally, being hated isn't fun, but having no one care about you... that one cuts deep. Apathy is such a horrid thing because it's not something you do to someone on purpose. No one wakes up and says "I don't care about you anymore." Usually it's the result of being beaten down emotionally for so long that you lose respect for someone or everyone or everything. When that goes, you really don't care what they have to say anymore. Good or bad, it all becomes neutral. Drawing from my own experience, it's very hard for someone to gain back your respect once they've lost it. But it can be done. All to often I've been on both sides of apathy.

how neglected
Tuesday, November 13, 2001
01:33 a.m.
Well, how neglected is this? I haven't updated this thing in weeks. Lesse... where should I begin. I'm available again. Oh! just kidding. You just aren't that lucky. Keep turning those bottle caps, you just might win.
Well... not much to really talk about. I have a birthday coming up soon. 21... Lesse... have I done everything I needed to do by the time I was 21?
Found God. Check
Lost God. Check
Re-invented God. Check
Laughed at people that invent their own religions. Double Check.
Learned to walk. Check
Learned to talk. Check
Learned when not to talk. Check
Made a true friend. Check
Fell in love. Check
Broke a heart. Check
Had heart broken. Check
Gave up, gave in, struck out, became cruel, found enlightenment, sought forgiveness, and learned to install a hard drive. Check
seems most is in order.
Ever get that odd feeling like you left something important behind before you got in the car? like keys, or paperwork, or maybe a kid? I think I may have left something out, or maybe haven't experienced it yet.
Oh! I almost forgot :) well, time to go tie up loose ends. lesse....
shotgun. check.
shotglass. check.
Vasoline and a pair of pliers. Check. Check.
Time to celebrate.

I should do the checklist of things I've achieved in this life soon. Wanted to do that when I was 21. But Jeff Cotten did it so well... there's a special kind of poetry and rhythm about his checklist, that I felt I just couldn't.
And this will definitely be my final entry for to-night/day.

***

,

Thursday, December 4, 2003
01:02 a.m.
Valium!

I need Valium for the pain. Or is it something else? Not Valium? I need something for the pain. I need something for the pain
Isn't there some way I could just rip my heart out?
I don't make any kind of sense. I should become Buddhist. Is there a female version of a monk in Buddhism? Go off and live in a community and just meditate under trees every day. Or scrub cauldrons and sweep up the temple. Or a nunnery if they don't have a temple for females.
I just need to get away from life. Do the whole... Zen thing... nothing matters... all is emptiness.
Our father in heaven, hallow be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us. Do not bring us to the test, but deliver us from evil. Amen.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord be with thee, blessed are thou amongst women, and blessed be the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now, and at the hour of our death. Amen.

***

Wednesday, December 3, 2003, 10:17 p.m.
F-A-R-K!

I'm hyperventilating... this can't be true... This is SO freaky.
Someone did a search in which my blog appeared. I feel almost violated. It's just so freaky. But then, that's what I do too... surf other people's lives. As I mentioned previously, I'm a voracious voyeur... and so I shouldn't be surprised. And by writing a blog online (as opposed to a diary), aren't I calling out for a listening ear, at some level? Perhaps seeking out a soul-mate in this faceless, nameless writhing mass of humanity. Well.. if not "soul mate" exactly (that might be taking it a bit too far), at least I should expect strangers reading my blog. - It only becomes a problem when the readers are not only your friends (who you've invited and are therefore fine), and perfect strangers (and therefore fine as well)... but they are a mix between the two... semi-strangers who hit too close to home (community-wise and so forth). And you may not be strangers any more. And it's scary that they know so much about you. Potential 'ammunition' as it were, if the whole knowledge is power thing is true. Or if not ammunition... it just seems weird anyway... a kind of invasion of privacy so to speak.
So I surfed through the blogs that came up. Some of them are blogs of people at my uni, who I know of but not personally. Some are just names. Then I stumbled upon the blog of a friend. Egad! How weird is that?! AND... even more amazingly, I stumbled upon my class teacher's blog!! *WAILS* which is not a baad thing exactly... It's just weird is all. Now I know that, among his interests, one of his musical interest is Bhangra!?! - Too much information!!! Well... not really... it's just that I can't seem to reconcile my Japanese teacher with clubbing (he likes clubbing) and Bhangra (what a weird genre for a Japanese to like. I mean.. Bhangra is a genre of Indian-origin... and that's radically different from Japan. - It also strikes me as really incongruous when I stumble on blogs of Poles and Swedish who are manga-mad and even speak Japanese!! And I've come across VERY many of those. *feels faint* - As if it isn't enough that one of my future colleagues is this Englishman who speaks and writes Mandarin/Chinese!) - The funny thing is... I've actually seen his nick before, in the members pages page on Pitas, and I remembered popping by for a look cos I thought his nick was interesting. - how bizarre.
Anyway, my class teacher really makes a lot of effort in teaching. And he was nice enough to let me hand in my assignment for last week's work, although I was late. So come what may, I really have to do this week's assignment, although, as it is, I'm already the most dedicated to Development, among all my subjects. I do my work every week except for week 1 and week 5, pretty much come hell or highwater. But then, I really like my Law teacher too, and I have *his* essay to hand in. *sigh*
I'm always too susceptible to this whole emotional-attachment thing. I always try my best in subjects in which I like the teachers. I remember my two favourite subjects in sec school was chem and lit. chem because I really liked mrs yvonne selvam, my chem teacher, who played favouritism outrageously. But then, she liked me, so it was all good. And she allowed me to do pretty much as I pleased. And mrs lim was always so quirky and sarcastic and gave us loads of technical terms, which opened my mind to new ideas in lit. in primary school i really liked ling lau shi.. my alam dan manusia teacher... and in jc, i liked mike evans, purvis, mrs perry and so on. Oooh.. not to forget my lovely lovely mr lim or tan? (was it?? well... my math teacher anyhow... the nerdy, awkward guy who asked us to try to hand in one in every two homeworks!) and miss koh too!! the loveliest teacher who would let me skip class as long as i did my work. yippee!! i love liberal teachers who realise don't strictly follow the rules for rules' sake, but are flexible and open-minded enough.
Back to my Devt teacher... he talks so much about Econs, it's really inspiring... and post-grads seem to have a cool social life. I really better hit the books so I can ask smart questions and further my studies. I must be more interested in (academic) work!!
On other tangents... the other day Mai said that all LSE Econs students seem to think Econs is the best degree. She said once she was telling a Chilean masters (in Econs) student about this arrogant tendency... eg her undergrad friend (yours truly) and a postgrad Econs student... that we think Econs is the best degree. The masters student replied matter-of-factly: But it is! - *lol* I can't help it. But naturally I agree with him totally. It's one of those things I never understand that there can ever be any doubt about. I mean... it's like 'sun rising in the east', isn't it? ;) *lol*
Oooh... okay I'd like to write more... but I really hafta hit my Law essay yet again. So that I can do my Devt work tomorrow, half-assed though the answer is going to turn out to be, as usual.
Jackie says I should get a life. A passion, a deep interest. Hmmm... I kind of knew that was the solution to all my problems some time ago. The problem is in finding le grande passion. The hunt is still on..
Well.. at least I wrote 2 reviews... that's something i'm trying to do to amuse myself. - will post up my latest one when it gets published. I think writing is a way of seeking immortality. in our own small way.
Alternatively, I could just study. :p

***

Wednesday, December 3, 2003, 04:26 a.m.
It's 4:30a.m. in the morning and I'm still awake!!

Harumph... had to wait up for Leng Tuan to get back from a party (she forgot her keys), which was why I stayed up till past 3. So here I am...
This is my new layout,
designed by maystar (her link is right at the bottom) as previously mentioned. - Isn't this lovely? I love the little sprinkly stars that pop out when you left-click the mouse. I think she uses Java script...
By the way, may didn't leave a space for the tagboard, so I put it right at the bottom...
I take my words back about Opera and Netscape!!
Opera: Highly highly annoying! When I reopen a webpage after making changes, I find that the stupid webpage still has my old code/design/whatever. And I have to reload the damn page everytime I want to see the latest thing. Fark. Maybe it's because I chose for Opera to use my last page as my opening. That's sometimes convenient, but at times when I'm trying to edit my layout, it's pure HELL!!! PLUS... the whole "A NAME" thing doesn't seem to work in Opera. I spent a good half hour tweaking the code, reloading the page a gadzillion times etc before deciding to try out to see if it was a quirk of Opera. - IT WAS!!!! The intra-page link works perfectly fine in Netscape and IE.
Netscape: Very very annoying too! It launches a million pop-ups at me, despite me having a pop-up stopper (maybe it was only designed for IE?) Either way, I almost threw a fit! AND the heading for this page "... my life in a box..." looks best in IE, with a pretty blue-glow around the words, and looks the WORST in Netscape. ARP! Consistency wasn't achieved after all! Maybe may didn't use CSS there? I dunno. will check another day.
Till then..
To bed to bed, there's a knocking at the gate (Yeah.. Leng Tuan!!!)

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Wednesday, December 3, 2003, 01:18 a.m.
bits and bobs

hmmm...
Is there something with German guys about Chinese girls?
internet browsers
Oh I've downloaded Netscape and Opera to my laptop. CSS really works to standardise stuff! Although Opera and Netscapre don't support the 'scrollbar' property (crap! so all the purty scrollbar designs have just gone down the drain there). And my links to my old entries lookd different in Opera and Netscape compared to IE cos I use the 'sub' tag, which is not CSS. Hmm.. hafta fix that sometime soon.
development assignment
finished my development assignment at 2 am + last night (as in... monday night/tuesday 2 am), despite doing the assignment AFTER the class in which we discussed the assignment.
...zzzz....
unsurprisingly fell asleep in my Law lecture. - I'm beginning to need a coffee drip again to stay awake. 6 hours and I'm like a log during lessons! It's no wonder I fell asleep in every class all throughout secondary school and most of jc too! I've only recently discovered that I actually need a minimum of 8 hours' sleep to keep awake. Any less than that, and I have to hook up the caffeine drip. So I guzzled coffee to stay awaje (successfully) during Development lecture. Then promptly dozed off in Law lec again. - It was right after Development, and I didn't want to imbibe two cups of coffees in two consecutive hours.
other work
My law problem question essay which was technically due last Friday, extended till Monday, which is still less than a third done, has only 368 words in an essay which is supposed to be approximately 1500 words. And I have covered about the half the issues involved already. I'm stumped as to what else I can add. It's clear to me: 'Andy may think of sueing Jack for breach of contract. However, since there is no nexus, Andy's tender does not constitute true acceptance of Jack's offer, and no contract has been created. It is instead an independent unilateral offer that Jack can choose whether to accept or reject.' - How else can I expand on this point? And given that I seem to find only 6 such points, how am I going to cough u 1500 words? - Or Am I missing big chunks of analysis out??!
Review: at least about 160 words are done.... *sigh*
otherwise..
will be going shopping tomorrow. maybe go bowling at night. don't know how I'm going to finish this week's development assignment. thank goodness industrial class is cancelled! and nishit got into citigroup on top of ubs. how cool is that? our people (although most of them are just acquaintances) are all over in the city: Farhan (PWC), Alwyn (ABN), Tim (Dresdner, although i don't know him), Colin (DB), Howard (Lehman i heard), Linus (Lehman), Dharmi (Lehman at least, maybe somewhere else), Carol (UBS), Brian (UBS), Andy (CSFB), Ling (HSBC)... and the applications are still going on. So the news of jobs will continue trickling in. And masters applications are going on furiously too. It seems like the whole of the LSE is engaged in some kind of application or another. We none of us actually want to stay where we are. Which is possibly a good thing... but quite freaky in the single-minded upward-mobility ambition. I feel like a sausage-link generated by the proverbial "irreversible sausage-machine".
okay..
back to work!

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Tuesday, December 2, 2003, 11:16 a.m.
Waiting to exhale

In school now. I actually went over and spoke to my Development Econs classmate in C120 (one of our computer rooms) when I saw her a few PCs down from me.
I usually have as little to do with her as possible. She's American Chinese and very annoyingly American - speaks about things that she doesn't know about in confident tones and a condescending manner in class. And she has the extremely flat, drawly American accent, which is very grating. I used to more pro-America myself (still am very, but less), but there are times when I can totally concur with the British attitude towards Americans.
So anyway, I saw her typing out a huge Word document and thought it was our work for this week (we have hand in assignments every fucking week!)... and well... I felt a kind of fellow-soldier-in-arms feeling... both under the terrible Development Econs regime and actually felt the urge to go over and chat to her - I was very curious as to what other subjects she took. So after some internal debate (yes... whether or not to speak to someone is a weighty decision for me. - but then she annoys me! it's dangerous to start interacting with someone who annoys you. what if she latches on to you? and then you're really screwed.), I went up to her. We have only one subject in common (she takes: Development, International, Monetary, and OR), and she's not doing our work, she's applying for a place in a business university in France. - She speaks French!!!! How cool is that?
Anyway... I'm really way too anti-social. I don't speak to any of my classmates in general. I don't know if it's a me-thing (i'm anti-social), or if it's a uni-thing. - Most people tend to make friends in halls or in their societies rather than in class. But this year it's very marginally better. Since for Development Econs, we generally have to discuss stuff, so we speak in class, and sometimes we chat a bit on the way out as well. There's a Bangladeshi in my class (I don't know his name, just like I don't know this American Chinese girl's name), and he hopes to do a masters in Econs in LSE, and wants to work in development, preferably for the World Bank. I think he does an Econometrics course, Development (clearly), International... and something else which I can't remember -Industrial I think. He asked me: And yourself? I told him: Industrial, Development, Corp Fin (320) and Commercial Law. And he was like: That's a weird combi. What do you want to do? Investment banking in Nigeria? I laughed and said no I've gotten a job in a bank. But yeah, eventually I want to work for the UN or something one day, but I just want to pay for my education first. - But yeah... it's true, I have the weirdest combi. Partly cos I still don't really know what I want to do forever, and want to leave an option to enter a range of fields, partly cos I have wide-ranging interests... but I think that's because I'm easily bored, fickle, and very open to new experiences... I rather like almost everything.
But anyway, I think we've all come to an interesting time in our studying life. In our third year, we get to choose what courses to study, so we get to explore different area of interests. We're also older and have a clearer idea of what we want and assert ourselves more. For example, this Math and Econs girl requested to do Commercial Law, although that is not generally allowed in her degree.
And I think it's interesting what people are taking. It says something about their personality, their interests and what their plans are. And that's very interesting. Like my Bangladeshi classmate.. he has an idea of where he's going, and his courses reflect that. Joe, my other classmate, takes Development, IPE (Politics of International Economy), Public and something else. And look at Jianyun. He did Public, Labour and 2 other courses last year, and he really liked Labour and is a PSC scholar... and he's thinking of working in the Ministry of Manpower.
Sometimes I hate this age, the uncertainty of it all. But sometimes I really like it. - We're old enough, and adults, for us to be fully responsible for lives. Of course all human beings are responsible for their own lives. But now, we're even legally obliged to be so. And we're starting on what is the first major project of our lives... that we are fully accountable for, that we have more will and say in, because we would have developed our own way of thinking by now. Some of us know what we want to do, some of us don't. But be as it may, we're all embarking on the first project -be it work, further studies, what field etc. If we hit jackpot the first time round, we're lucky. If not, we're young enough to change projects at a later stage in life. And so this is all very exciting stuff. Life is very very hopeful. We're only in our early twenties, the world is still within our grasp, and a huge array of opportunities and possibilities are still open to us. Doors that will shut soon, are yet open for us.
But even later in life, as long as we have one breath left in us, we can still make a difference. Can still take a positive action. That's what makes us human. We have the power of choice, and free will. So we should never say die. It's not over till after the last breath is exhaled.

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Monday, December 1, 2003, 12:19 a.m.
1/2 The Rent

Just came back from watching the German film "1/2 The Rent" ("1/2 Miete"). By Marc Ottiker I think. It's for my review.
Anyway, it was excellent. I voted it 10/10. - The cool thing was, the writer-director was there to answer questions by the audience after the film ended... and it was like a literature lesson! I saw things that I didn't see before. - Everything in the film has meaning! And some concepts were just so clever! .. You know, for most of the time during my years of Lit-study, I used to wonder if all the meaning we saw in the texts, if they weren't all just placed by us, the readers who over-interpret things and give the text the added depth which was never intended by the author. This time we got to hear it straight from the horse's mouth! And it's all true! The meaning is there. And more!
Like one thing which he told us about which gave me an entirely new perspective was the way the protagonist Peter, who was a hacker... the way he got the keys and slipped into different people's houses, moved in and out, leading a shadowy existence... it was like his hacking all over again. The writer-director said that Cologne was like an entire computer system/model, and Peter waited and used the keys to infiltrate the system and enter strangers' homes... that was like hacking too. - After he told us about it, it seems so obvious, but I never saw it before. And it adds another dimension to the film, to what it was saying.
Some notes for my review before I forget:
- split screens: 70s (70s versus modern day digital age), speed of film, also effect (myself)
- post it notes: (return to analog from digital), communication (true communication. use books instead of technology)
- loneliness: writer, fat guy, and Paula all alone. Peter transforms their lives... connection made, barriers broken?
- strange towel: inspiration for the movie... writer-director discovers strange towel in his place. another person living in his apartment? imagine... an alternate/parallel existence/universe? vicarious living. if we are honest, we all have empty lives. go to work, come home, no one. technology: email, computers etc. but don't communicate. lost it. (eg Peter and his first girlfriend. lost touch with the world, drug problem. she died. as a warning? the result of lack of communication? death ambiguous)
- deal with Gerry: called off.

***

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