I write
Today I will attempt to quickly sketch in part of my thoughts. Mainly because this has been an utterly unproductive day so far, and I'm feeling slightly unwell, and am about to write off this day. So I might as well write.
Partly because I have just watched this artsy-fartsy Chinese filmlet, and it seems to link in with a conversation I had with X on the bus.
A Chinese space?
A quick aside: I am now able to input Chinese characters on my laptop! Yay!!! =) I am excited because finally I can write the occasional Chinese word, instead of having to write it phonetically. I've been feeling more inclined towards Chinese recently. Maybe because I've been increasingly alarmed at the accelerating degeneration of my Chinese, from an already low base. So now, I shall attempt to use this blog to stem the decline, maybe, the way this blog was my space to write when I felt I had no space to voice my thoughts in English the way I wanted to, some time ago (ironically enough, since I am in England, the homeland of the English language).
A conversation on the bus (an excerpt)
X: "Why do you 谈恋爱 (literally:'talk about love'. Approximately translated as: fall in love/get into a relationship)?"
Me: "I dunno. Someone to 抱抱 (hug)?"
X: (*stare*)
Me: "Erm.. so you can have someone to fulfil your needs?"
X: (*stare*)
Me: "Sex???"
X: (*exasperated*) "NO!! For companionship!"
Me: "Ohhhh."
(... pause ...)
Me: "Erm... maybe that's why I'm not in a relationship?"
It seems strange that the once-counsellor is now the counselled. Am I supposed now to relearn things-forgotten? Or am I beyond that, and supposed to move on, my forgetting creating a fresh blank page to write new stories, unrelated to love? "Been there, done that"?
Heroes in Love
I've just watched "爱情起义" - literally "Love Revolution" (according to a friend), but translated as "Heroes in Love".
It consisted of three separate love stories - the first two were particularly bizarre. And I confess I was more than a little bit annoyed when watching it. Frankly, I am not in the mood for wannabe artsy films that boggle the mind and require thought and attention, especially those which may provoke me to think and write lengthy journal entries afterward, at least not during my exams.
But it turned out less badly than I had expected it to.
The first two stories were bizarre stories of obsession - one about a lesbian-stalker, then one about a gun-obsessed loner. The third story was about chatroom-buddies meeting in real life and getting together, with a weird third girl cutting into the scene intermittenly (I still don't understand that).
At the end of the three stories, a narrator's voice broke in with: "其实还有第四个故事" ("There is actually a fourth story"). Over a montage of images from all three stories, the narrator talked about love in a voice-over. About the beginning of love, about not knowing what he wants, just knowing what he does not want. About choosing between being alone, and sharing his life with someone. Asking, which he prefers, which makes him happier.
Listening to his words, and watching the images, I am bemused. The story seems to exactly describe where I am right now. It reflects my mood of the recent-past phase in my life, and it links to the thoughts churning in my head, that been sparked by my conversation with X on the bus.
When I have the time, I will transcribe the fourth story in Chinese and with the attendant English subtitles, either here or in my Livejournal.
I've actually been thinking and writing a lot recently. Although much of it has not appeared on these pages. Instead, my C: drive is now steadily piling up with abandoned writings, and quick jottings of passing ideas and thoughts.
Oftentimes, I lack the time and commitment to sit down and delineate the experiences and thought processes that make up my life as I know it now. Because to fully do capture what I think/feel requires an inordinate amount of time, which I cannot afford right now. And before I can finish transcribing one experience, or one thought, I am distracted by another idea. Another bright shiny bubble that captivates me. And so I abandon my half-written thought.
At the cusp of change in my life, I am increasingly obsessed with capturing the essence of me-of-the-moment clearly, like the clean sharp edges of a perfectly cut diamond. Now, and in years to come, I want to clearly see me at 21-turning-22, in the last year of my study life, the final moments of clarity before I enter the working world.
And since every fleeting thought and experience is equally crucial for a complete sketch of now-me, I find that I am reluctant to record some thoughts, and omitting others. For doing so will mean misrepresenting my now-self to my future-self.
So, instead, I choose not to include any of my half-formed, elusive thoughts - many frivolous, mundane, and topical, but reflect who I am nonetheless, and the haphazard way my mind works - on my blog. Instead, they begin to litter the virtual spaces of my laptop, like so much junk that begins to pile up in an attic. And soon, those thoughts will be forgotten maybe.
A quick list of what I have half-written:
- A Dear-World letter (April 4)
- A "Random factoid" list (April 4)
- "Snowdonia" (April 12)
- "Queen - inspired by Bohemian Rhapsody" (April 12)
- "Lorelai runs out on her wedding" (April 13)
- "Veronika Decides to Die" (April 13)
- "Best laid plans" (April 13)
- On morals and patriotism (April 13)
- "Feet" and on room-mates (April 20)
- "A conversation on the bus" (April 20)
Yesterday (a.k.a. earlier today, Sunday afternoon), our house went for Sunday Roast at the pub near our house, as the end of our time together draws nigh.
Gleefully, I had brought along my darlingest, sweetest, tiniest new baby digital camera. (I'll post a photo of my baby later on.)
It so happened that the London marathon was on. And part of the marathon route passed through the street near the pub. And boy was I glad to have my baby at hand!
There were regular people jogging along of course.
And then there were those dressed up in all manners of funky, zany costumes: telephone boxes, angels, bottles, spoons, Scooby Doo, patriotic jester (clad head-to-toe in the Union Jack), Henry the Eighth (this one I saw on TV), minibus, rhinoceros, clowns, minicabs, mexicans... you name it.
There was a group of firefighters who wore their helmets (they jogged past my place too, but I hadn't whipped my camera out in time), two people in army fatigues and backpack, two people carrying a trophy... all jogging past my place in the space of half an hour!
Here are some of the pictures:
a telephone booth (which zipped past before I got to get a proper shot at it), a ketchup bottle, a sunflower, another ketchup bottle, a spoon, people jogging (one holding a sign), Scooby Doo, a rhinoceros, two (alcohol??) bottles, and a minibus.
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
"Nobody here on the planet seems aware of this strange, powerful taboo, that we all walk about carefully averting our faces, this way and that, lest ouf eyes be blasted forever."
Note to self: Never blog at night again. Because I find that my incidence of insomnia increases with night-blogging or night-thoughts of blogging. Instead, I should aim to end my night with a snoozifying set of lecture notezzzzz.
Now that I have reminded myself, I shall proceed to do the exact opposite of what I should, and intended to do. (Go me!!)
First off... I have decided to get an account at weblogs.us whenever they begin accepting signup requests again, which I hope will be soon. After all, what better time for me to move my blog and entries and generally engage in time-intensive, unproductive activity than during exam time??
Why this sudden urge to move?
1) with the Crash of March 25 (my laptop), I have been traumatised, and have suddenly realised my vulnerability to exogenous shocks. Lesson learnt: Technology fails.
2) With the (yet again) Pitas downtime over the past couple of days, I am even more traumatised. Although I didn't lose any entries this time, I did the last time Pitas went down. If I lose my > 2 years' worth of random scribblings and pointless prattlings, I will be CRUSHED. DEFEATED! Become a BABBLING WRECK!! After all, I no longer keep a physical journal. So, blog = my diary => blog = very important. And Jackie's email jolted me out of my relative complacency: I must backup!!! And clearly, I have to backup on a place (server??) that is not pitas, for effective diversification of risk.
3) weblogs.us provide Movable Type based blogs. And well, I might as well start learning/getting used to the whole Movable Type interface and whatnots, since I eventually plan to migrate to my own domain when I have the resources and time to devote to it. That is estimated to be in about 5 years' time (hey, I plan ahead), if I'm still into this whole talking-to-myself online, or writing, thing.
4) Plus, it's fun. I've always wanted that cool calendar thing. New layout, endless new things to play with and fiddle with. Yay me! =)
If and when I get a blog at weblogs.us, I'll still maintain this one, until maybe too many incriminating things about me pile up here. Then I'll scoot and disappear.
Okay... this was actually seen on: http://lit.squarespace.com/
It cracked me up. Especially since I know the guy (by sight and name) in real life. So I have once again taken the liberty of reproducing his entry. Hope he doesn't mind and (in interests of my anonymity), may he not find out. >_<:
"Does [-his name-] need a girlfriend?
econometrics is an amazing subject. It's amazing, for instance, just how many fascinating thoughts I can distract myself with when I'm supposed to be going through my econometrics notes.
...
now, on to the burning question. The way I see it, there's a few possible gf functions:
1) someone to talk to/ go out with (ie. anti-boredom device)
2) someone to provide emotional support (and occasional crises, just to make life interesting)
3) someone to refine the rough edges (personality sandpaper?)
4) sex
let's look at them. 1) 2) and 3) can be provided to some extent by friends, and the experience of the past few years has kind of reduced the need for 1) and 2). There's ways to satisfy libidinal urges, so 4) isn't exactly a big deal (well not for me anyway).
so the rational answer seems to be: not really
on the other hand (don't u just love two-handed economists?), humans aren't exactly the most rational creatures, and I'm not exactly the most rational human. And we aren't exactly dealing with a subject that can be analyzed rationally.
the lady: "Who are you visiting?"
me: "My boyfriend's good friend." (Hey, I needed the nationality connection to swing a story)
the lady: (smiling) "Where does he study?"
me: "Imperial College."
*beams*
the lady: "Is that in London?"
me: "Yes"
- inserts goofy gushy i'm-so-in-love-with-my-boyfriend smile -
Okay... so it was a tiny white lie. But an ex-boyfriend is an ex-boyfriend is an ex-boyfriend. He's there. And except for the "my boyfriend" and "my boyfriend's good friend" bit (i was thinking "family friend", but decided that was a bit much), it was all true.
I was ecstatic, filled with joy and happiness and euphoria when the nice silver-haired, bespectacled lady said those magic words. *MUAKS*!!!
I was all prepared to cry, bawl, and generally be melodramatic if need be. So it was a relief to just have to chit chat and smile.
So today I love Americans. Today I'm in love. I'm floating on air. I love the world.
Finally, the dream that I dared not breathe. The whisper of a shadow of a hope of a plan, that I had dared not talk about here (although I had bent the ears of all my friends talking about it), for fear of jinxing it... - finally, one more step to fruition!
Of course I'll still have to make sure my work permit application is done before I book my flight. After all, I may end up having to stay here to cry, rant, and be melodramatic at the Home Office.
But otherwise, OH I am FREE!!! Free as a bird. I can go! I can fly! I can finally finally FINALLY fulfil my dearest dream of... shhhh(a roadtrip) - far sooner than I had expected!
Not being in America was one obstacle. Not having a car was another barrier. Not even knowing how to drive myself, was the biggest hurdle of all! And now, in the blink of an eye, the exhalation of a breath... my dream.
Driving along empty highways through vast expanse of unchanging American hinterland. Driving along the legendary Montana highways that have no speed limit (or used to have no speed limit. the rules might have changed since then). Driving along on a road to nowhere. Just to be driving, rolling, moving.
The Grand Canyons! Yellowstone Park, Colorado, wild animals! New Orleans!(not Mardi Gras, but still okay) Death Valley! Redwood trees! Petrified Woods! Death Valley! Salt Lake City !(are Mormons visibly different?) Las Vegas! Great Lakes? Here I come!!!
I'd be more hyper. But It's now 1.02am. I'm having a headache. And I've expended all my energy this morning, bopping up and down with insane joy.
But for now, good night beautiful world. *blows kiss* =)
I felt very feminine and girlish all of a sudden as I was going out this afternoon. As I tripped along with a decidedly act-cute buoyant spring in my step, I wondered at this crazy incarnation of my usual grumpy self. Had some mischievous elf taken hold of my body and mind?
Normally (this winter at least), I'm the kind of girl with the heck-care attitude, which will see me running out to my neighbourhood Safeway in whatever unglamorous pair of bottoms that I happen to be lounging in. Nine times out of ten, that would be this pair of highly inelegant drawstring trousers that my aunt had left at my place when she was in London, which is a cut too short for me, reaching to the top of my ankles, and pouffs out hideously at my hips, making me look like the ideal child-bearing machine.
So nine times out of ten, I'd grocery-shop in Safeway in this most unflattering of trousers, with an indifferent top - whatever that was nearest to hand - which would include ghastly combinations like super oversized sweaters under another coat, or an oversized T-shirt sticking out from a smaller, trimmer zip-up sweater, and to top it all off, I'd even have my broken spectacles, lens held in place by scotch tape, perched crazily on my nose. And I'd be marching along to Safeway in no pleasant mood, cursing the infernal cold, feeling dumpy, depressed, and generally like something the cat dragged in.
So my sudden overwhelming sense of feminity startled me. I wondered if it had something to do with what I was wearing, and looked at myself.
I was in my grey half-sleeve top, my usual pair of jeans, my old black leather shoes, with a thin silver watch on my left wrist, my faux pearl studs in my ears, my hair tied in a pony-tail with my furry vermillion scrunchy, carrying my signature bright orange jacket in my arms, and my Southington-Walmart Outdoor backpack on my back.
Nothing insanely out of the ordinary, except that I wasn't wearing my jacket. I walked along, my head cocked to one side, a half-smile on my lips, and a puzzled half-frown in my face, turning over in my mind the novel sensation of feeling girlish - did I like it?
I decided that it was a good feeling. I could get used to it, maybe.
Although, I have such a reputation for being tomboyish, loud, ungainly, hysterical, hyper, and kiddy, I swear everyone would think I had gone daft if I suddenly became all girly.
After some thought, I decided that my sudden strangeness wasn't due to some alien body-takeover. I think my sudden lightheartedness just arose from the fact that I wasn't wearing my jacket.
For once, I could see me, I could feel me, in my original form - not the twiggiest of girls, but at least just me, without being ensconced in layers and layers of clothes that make me feel not so much a young girl, as a swaddled fishball, rolling around rotundly along the streets of London. And I was free and lighthearted, feeling pretty happy about myself. It's hard to feel sexy or attractive, even to yourself, when you're all wrapped up like Marshmallow Man. So today was a different feeling.
I'm currently rebuilding my song list after the Crash of March 25, and decided to share my oddball list.
My list is pretty random. An eclectic mix of genres, languages, and eras. Unfortunately, most of the songs I listen to are pretty outdated. Surprisingly enough, my Chinese songs (in my old laptop) are probably more updated than my English songs, thanks to my friends who keep up with the changing sounds in the Sino-phone world.
My musical universe is amorphous. What I've listened to is probably is less a function of my taste (although I have been known to reject songs altogether), and more of a case of what I've been exposed to, whether it be my mom's penchant for listening to the radio and singing along to the songs, or my much-older male cousin who stayed in my house, or my dad's CD collection, or the MTVs that happen to be showing on TV.
I used to listen to loads of pop songs in the 80s and early 90s. Anybody still remember Tommy Page and his "Shoulder to cry on", "Paintings in my mind"? Or NKOTB's "Step by step"? The ever-lasting "Right Here Waiting" by Richard Marx. And how about Jason Donovan (paired with "Locomotion"-Kylie)? - I have "Forever Young" by Alphaville, that most amazing of 80s anthems (for me).
And of course Belinda Carlisle. As a tiny girl of 5 or 6, I used to turn the radio on in the kitchen and dance to late 80s tunes, including Belinda Carlisle. I actually have an old photo of a small, chubbier, perspiring me, in a pleated(!), pink(!!), skirt(!!!) with a short dangling gold chain on the front, twisting to a tune in the kitchen.
Then from even older days, there's Cliff Richard, ABBA, Bee Gees, and The Carpenters, and of course the Beatles from my parents' and uncles' era. I have to admit to listening to Dolly Parton too.
I have some songs here from the 'alternative rock' bands that got amazing mainstream radio airplay during my teenage years: Third Eye Blind, The Verve Pipe, Sister Hazel, Nine Days, Blink 182, Matchbox 20, Green Day. Of course some from Blur (Damon Albarn is incredibly cute. And I die at his British accent).
I've never had chick singers on any previous song list before. But this time, I decided to download a few chick singer songs that I like, mainly from Faith Hill, Shania Twain, and LeeAnn Rimes' "I Need You".
The more recent songs, and the non-1994 Chinese songs have been variously introduced to me. I need to get back some of my Chinese core list. And also more dance songs.
I'm pretty spineless where songs are concerned. A total song-whore. So I'm pretty happy to get recommendations.
Here's my current song collection in its entirety. Dismal innit?:
Title
I Don't Want to Miss a Thing
Dui Mian De Nu Hai Kan Guo Lai
Let Me Touch You For Awhile
Forever Young
Under the thumb
Heaven is a Place On Earth
Leave a Light on
Christmas is all around
Country House
Girls & Boys
Song 2
Don't Talk To Him
Fall in love with you
Time Drags By
Come On Eileen
Heaven
K Ge Zhi Wang
From This Moment On
The Way You Love Me
This Kiss
Yin Wei
Sometimes
I Will Survive
Basketcase
Time of Your Life
Au soleil
J'attend l'amour
Both Sides Now
You raised me up
Jessie
Can't fight the moonlight
I Need You
When I Look at You
Hey Juliet
Mambo No.5
All You Need Is Love
Only Hope
Story Of A Girl
Babel
La Vita e Bella
Don't Know Why
The Nearness Of You
Turn Me On
Xanadu
Get This Party Started
Video Killed The Radio Star
You're still the one
All For You
How Soon Is Now
Yu Jian
Semi Charmed Life
Come Rain or Come Shine
There She Goes
You Are My Home
a folder of Duran Duran's Greatest Hits
Artiste
Aerosmith
Ah Niu
Alison Krauss + Union Station
Alphaville
Amy Studt
Belinda Carlisle
Belinda Carlisle
Billy Mack (from Love Actually)
Blur
Blur
Blur
Cliff Richard
Cliff Richard
Cliff Richard
Dexy's Midnight Runners
DJ Sammy
Eason Chan
Faith Hill
Faith Hill
Faith Hill
Fan Wei Qi
Gabrielle (from Love Actually)
Gloria Gaynor
Green Day
Green Day
Jenifer
Jenifer
Joni Mitchell (from Love Actually)
Josh Groban
Joshua Kadison
LeeAnn Rimes
LeeAnn Rimes
Linda Eder (from The Scarlet Pimpernel)
LMNT
Lou Bega
Lynden David Hall (from Love Actually)
Mandy Moore
Nine Days
Noa
Noa
Norah Jones
Norah Jones
Norah Jones
Olivia Newton-John & ELO
Pink
Radiohead
Shania Twain
Sister Hazel
Smiths
Sun Yan Zi
Third Eye Blind
??
?? (looking for the Sixpence None the Richer version)
?? (from The Scarlet Pimpernel)
Duran Duran
*** historic day! I used CSS for positioning instead of tables for this song list. hurrah!! (so okay, i nicked the code off from wdvl.internet.com. but that's only the start. now that i know how it works, i can kiss schtoopid tables goodbye. *muaks*! :)
I'm back. I've been back for a couple of days now, but decided to lie low for a bit. But more about that later.
Haha Kopikia, you are actually insane - elope with the man of my dreams indeed! Same for Steve... funnily enough, we actually sang the song in Wales! But there's nothing like knowing someone pokes around my blog, to drag me back into the same old routine. :)
I guess I had a lot to say, about Wales, about stuff I've been thinking about, about my feelings, but I just don't know where to start. Sometimes I wish I could just hold a mini guided tour of part of my brain:
- "Part of e*'s mind open to public for the first time. 15 minutes allowed for each visitor. Audio guide also available in English, Mandarin, Japanese, German, French, Spanish, and Arabic. For a limited time only."
Anyway, I'll talk about Wales another day. Maybe. If I ever get around to it before all is gone.
But for now, today was a superb day. We had steamboat for dinner, while watching God of Gamblers II. We had watched Stephen Chow's 'Knight of Gamblers' (Du3 Xia2) before I left for Wales. And I was itching to watch Chow Yuen Fatt's 'God of Gamblers' series which started the whole crazy gambling films. So yesterday we watched 'God of Gamblers I' and today we watched 'God of Gamblers II'.
Infected by the high gambling spirits, our entire house piled into LT's room and started off drinking some wine and playing two rounds of bridge, before we descended into the ignominy (but also more sociable game) of Asshole Dai3 Di2 (Asshole Big-Two).
We were laughing and screaming and yelling over cards and alcohol like we hadn't done in a long, long time. I remembered my first year days, when so many nights were spent at Carr-Saunders or Passfield, playing neverending rounds of bridge tirelessly over port and wine. Then in Spain, playing in hostels, on trains, at bus and train stations, in pubs, for hours on end, in all positions. So great was our card-addiction, that we actually played bridge in a club! Yes, we went to a club club - dark, smoky places where people normally get pissed and make fools of themselves on dance floors - sat at a table, and started dealing out cards!! We were unglamorous nerds. But did we care? Noooooo. As long as there was a card game to be played, we'd play on.
So today, we broke our usual habit of refusing to play Dai3 Di2 (Big-Two) and played Asshole Dai3 Di2, so all 5 of us could play at the same time. I was the Ultimate Asshole for so many rounds that soon I was practically foaming at the mouth, frustrated and determined to improve my lot in life. It was hilarious, that me and YX were Assholes so often - us two 'salted fish' were the most impassioned about the whole game and were determined to fan1 shen1.(there is apparently a chinese phrase which goes: "Xian2 yu2 (salted fish) fan1 shen1" - which kind of means redeeming one's lot in life I guess. if anyone can get the chinese words for me, i'd greatly appreciate it) And JY was King for quite a few rounds, until ZT managed to overthrow him in one fateful round. And YX actually laughed until she cried during one game where she was the Ultimate Asshole, and ZT (her bf) didn't believe that she threw down a Jack-pair to win, after she arduously saved her two Jacks. And ZT got hit quite a few times when he caused YX and me (once) to lose. And I'll remember YX's flashing eyes and smug look when she was out to lift herself from the rank of Asshole. :D
It was all good crazy fun. I miss those days. The days of card games, laughing, screaming, and hysteria. It seems insane to be having fun during exams. But when will these days come again? When will we go crazy over a round of cards again?
To cards, and laughter. And to my housemates: cards, laughter, and happy days ahead.
