~ the road is life ~

you're the inspiration
Tuesday, April 23, 2002
08:28 p.m.

i might have to reformat my hd soon... so all the info on it, including my 'favorites' will be gone, so i'm gonna plonk some of the inspirational websites here, in case i lose them forever:

http://www.btinternet.com/~peteajones/KKHTibet/intro.htm

http://www3.utsidan.se/corax-e/

http://www.bikechina.com/heinzstucke2z.html

http://home.hkstar.com/~roz/Index.htm

Emma & John's
Monday, April 22, 2002
05:54 p.m.

Jackie and I went walking around in Cambridge yesterday, to tour the different colleges... St John's, Trinity, Clare, King's, Gonville & Cauis, Emmanuel, Jesus, St Edmund's...

My favourite is John's... it's so huge for one things... and its grounds are really huge as well. The buildings in John's are really old (at least the old part of John's. - they have yucky modern metal-and-concrete buildings too - >sniffs<)... the walls are brownish, and they have tall arches in some archaic-architectural style (don't ask me to name it... it's probably gothic/baroque or anything before and after that, except for renaissance, for all *i* know...). And I actually got to walk *on* the Bridge of Sighs... doesn't it have such a romantic and poetic name?! And they the most romantic ancient-looking creepers creeping all over the walls of some buildings... a scene from a fairy-tale of days of yore!

What I love about John's, besides the Bridge of Sighs, the inspiring buildings, and romantic creepers... are the grounds. For one thing... they have huge areas of grass.. and the college has grounds on both sides of the river Cam. So while we were there, we saw two groups of students playing frisbee... most of them were barefoot guys wearing berms, or long trousers rolled up to three-quarter length. And they were laughing and running around... one of them was on crutches... and he hopped along energetically, and would let go of the crutches, hop into the air to catch the frisbee and do a roll-fall, to protect his injured leg. And there would be small groups of students sitting on the side on the big field, chatting, or watching the frisbee game. And John's has a substantial length of grass patch by the river Cam as well, where students would sit in twos or threes, eating, chatting, or even studying. Jackie and I sat down and lay down for a bit, enjoying the warm sun shining down on us, and watched the punters go by.

The whole scene was a scene of such life and happiness... it just made my smile and feel a great zest for life, and affinity for all these young shining people who are ALIVE... Yeah... it was just one of scenes of great happiness... I could almost feel the joy in the air, that was how palpable it was... I was thinking: "If I were in John's I would definitely have fallen in love, twice over in fact!"

Trinity has biggish grounds and old buildings too, very comprable to John's. But John's is still my personal favourite, because of the joyous atmosphere. The Clare Gardens were quite pretty and poetic... loads of orange flowers... =) and then there was an obscured path, shrouded with greenery, which was had a cooling atmosphere, and a feel of a different world altogether. Then I went to King's and the famous King's Chapel. I didn't really like the stained glass there... too detailed and not at all inspiring. Some stained glass have a very holy atmosphere and make you really awe-inspired and feel infused with a religious fervour. This was NOT one of those. But I read the information boards and had great fun learning about one of my more favourite parts of English history... the War of the Roses and the succession and politicking of the kings.

Cauis was really small... just two square courtyards surrounded by buildings... but I liked it cos this is the college Chee Wei would have gone to, had he come, and this is Sam's college. I took a photo here, at the small avenue of trees. It was really pretty in a cosy way. We also went to Christ and Magdalene. Christ was just normalish... a much smaller, less grand version of John's, Trinity and King's... it's unique point is that it has a ROUND patch of grass. And Magdalene had so much flowers that the air was filled with the rich fragrance of flowers. Oooh... another college I LOVE was Emma... it doesn't look much when you first go in. But when you reach a little corridor thingey... you can see lush GREENERY beyond the corridor... and the first elusive glimpse of bright daylight and lacy green foliage at the end of the narrow, short corridor just made my heart leap in joy. (Okay... so my heart *is* rather prone to leaping and doing sommersaults at every little thing... but I can hardly help if if I've seen so much beauty recently which have been contributing to the athletic prowess of my heart)

But I'll admit it readily... I have this thing for greenery... and poetry (or at least what constitutes 'poetry' in my imagination)... the sea... babbling brooks... and nature in general. Flowers don't really give me that much joy... give me loads and loads of trees, a few poetically reclining willows and a river or lake anyday over a field of flowers (although given a choice between a bouquet of flowers and a bunch of vegetables as a gift, I'd take the former any day! *grin*). And that's why I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Emma... it's smallish (much smaller than John's certainly...)... and it doesn't have as flowery a garden as Clare... but it's garden was SO green... it was just such a bright, shining green... it practically GLOWED... and there were two (man-made, i suspect.. *makes face*) ponds... and ducks swimming on the ponds, and generally waddling about... and it was a really private college as well... no "Visitors This Way" signboards or people clicking their cameras. So it was really private and cooling. - I don't know... but somehow, greenery... if it's really intense... gives me a cooling and soothing feeling (like the phrase "cool late light" in "Miles Away"), which gives me a great sense of tranquility which is almost magic.

Jesus was okay... a funky red building which was unique among the other architecture... rather large fields as well... except that it was really quiet... only two groups of students were sitting down, chatting... so it didn't have the youthful joyousness of John's. Then was took a shortcut through St Edmund's (I saw Shaun sitting on the grass chatting to an ang-moh girl!! Shaun is from St Ed's...), past New Hall... into Fitz... which has it's pretty spots as well, I discovered.

alive, if not kicking
Saturday, April 20, 2002
11:58 p.m.

after a somewhat long absence from even *these* relavtively mundane pages... just felt like popping an entry to say: Yes I am still alive, if not kicking.

i've just come back from hill-walking in the peak district on wed & thurs (17-18 april). it was not really what i imagined or desired. i rather prefer something somewhat less stroll-ey... but it was okay... at least it was a break from the monotony of cambridge, and studying in the law library. and it was cool seeing the london crowd again, after about three weeks.

i've wanted to leave london, the london bunch and all the distractions and complications they entail, certainly. but sometimes i feel a bit stifled here in cambridge as well... what with just four walls and books and practically only jackie to talk to. but it's been really important, this break from it all. i can go back refreshed, and hopefully ready to face all that may (or may not, hopefully) be thrown at me. and from a distance, i can better appreciate some of the good points... although i suppose i would enjoy myself more in cambridge if i knew more people here who i could talk to.

i'm pretty much on friendly terms with shaun. we chat a bit every time we meet, which is almost every day. i've given up having a crush on him. he's quite hopeless that way... or maybe it's cos he's just so adorable, like a little boy... that i've gotten fond of him and treat him as a little boy, or at least just a pal. and another person i've just met on tuesday was sam, an acs-rj sailor, who is *much* more impressive than shaun, which has left shaun in the dust, basically.. =) he's a great conversationalist, very observant, has quite good manners and breeding, a real gift for story-telling and narration, and is quite mature. i enjoy his company, even though i've talked to him just the once. and i would enjoy talking with them a good deal more, if i didn't always have to avoid jian yee, another cam bloke they more or less hang out with. but because of jian yee, mostly, i try to avoid my usual study spot, which is the cafe-area at the basement of the law library.

the point is... sometimes i miss the noise, and bustle of london. and the odd person there, and i can't wait to return. but at other times, i really dread going back. and i suppose if i friends in cam, i could get used to life here, and never need to go back. but i'm being unrealistic. my uni is there, stuff, accomodation, and life is there. and i'm a student in london!

that's about it for now... the tale of my boring life. oh... but tomorrow, jackie and i will be walking around cambridge and taking some photos for the fun of it. yay! =)

declaration of interests
Friday, April 12, 2002
01:41 p.m.

just thought of coming up with a declaration of important stuff... just here first, then later in a more permanent form:

Books:
- Oranges are not the only fruit - Jeanette Winterson
- Breakfast at Tiffany's - Truman Capote
- On the Road - Jack Keruoac
- Unbearable Lightness of Being - Kilan Kundera

Others:
- Beat Generation
- Transcendental America (Henry David Thoreau, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Walt Whitman) - although i haven't read them, i intend to someday.. soonish
- Existentialists (there's like the French philosophical counterpart of the Beat Generation) - even if Qitao disses them..

i found a few good websites on the stuff, and also, i think i want to put up something on my own website abt these stuff, which are important to me, but i've never actually gotten around to doing it. and i was thinking of putting soeme of the stuff on a more public website, just so people can get to them too. cos it's irritating to surf for ages for stuff and coming up with crappy links... and it's difficult to come up with good stuff. and sometimes when things are important to me, i like to share it... but without sacrficing my private space... so i'll probably use the other 999MB website ( i created two accounts.. remember? ) for it... or probably my geocities account. but not now... since i'm TECHNICALLY supposed to be studying for the damn things known as THE EXAMS... but later. so this entry is just a note to remind me to do all that stuff. yups!

vertigo
Friday, April 12, 2002
01:01 p.m.

was mulling over freedom just today (anything to get *away* from studying basically...), about what it means to me, and why sometimes it scares me... i'll probably scribble my thoughts down in my 'real' website later... if i ever get round to it... being how once the mood is gone... it's just gone, you know?

anyway, just a point of information, i had a really dismal day yesterday. cried and cried for hours and hours. it was just one of those days... not that i'm being dismissive or like: "it's not important", just because i say it in a rather offhand manner: "it was just one of those days". it is important, and it means something... it's just that some things just can't be spoken aloud. when i cry and go: "it's just one of those days", it means that it's something too much to talk about.

anyway... so i had a huge tear-fest yesterday... and it kinda put me into a thinking mood, and i was looking back on loads of things, and just thinking of things that might have been, or might be in future, and all the options open to me... the many roads which led god-knows-where... and sometimes i get dizzy... a sense of vertigo. precisely because i am so absolutely free... to do whatever, go wherever. there is nothing that ties me down. i have no ties to anyone, any place... i'm just so amazingly rootless. and it's scary... the road going on and on. not knowing when it will all end.

i know i would only return to singapore/malaysia for two possible reasons. one of the reasons is a no-choice reason. but the other reason... is the only reason why i would *willingly* go back... and *willingly* give up this rootless shifting about, the freedom i always yearned for, proud of, and now... almost afraid of. and sometimes i don't think the second reason... the only one for which i would willingly return... will ever hold true, or come to be. and if that is true... i am condemned (by myself) to forever drift... like the "lone ranger" i got typed into my dogtag.

it's great that the world will be my home, and all the world is open to me. for the first time in my life, my little girl dream (it came about in secondary school, and slowly grew as i grew older... through jc, and really crystallised when i read "breakfast at tiffany's" and "on the road"... hence the theme of my website) looks as if it has a very real possibility of coming true. and i guess i'm a bit of a coward, really. i suppose i'll just be scared for now... and sometimes feel blue, or cry about it. but when the time comes, i'll take a deep breath and plunge into it. - the life of never settling down, ever moving until i am tired. i must be brave. this is what i've always wanted anyway, isn't it??

i'll really miss everyone back home though. all my dearest, dearest friends. i'll visit of course... and i'll be the eccentric... turns up once a year from wildly exotic places with weird gifts... "auntie elaine" to my friends' kids. which is kinda cool anyway... i myself have a pretty cool single happening aunt who is, however, in malaysia all the time. but well... =)

anyway... i was supposed to chuck this on the pitas page, and not put it onto my 'real' site... but i ended up kinda talking (in a peripheral manner) about the freedom bit and what i felt... so i think i'll just plonk this onto my 'real' site as well.

anyway, i love "breakfast at tiffany's" and "on the road" (and the Beat generation in general), cos it epitomises the spirit of wild abandon and freedom... of roaming till you find a place called "home". i had thought once that i found it. but having been ejected from it.. i don't know when, or if i'll find another "Tiffany's" of my own. - "...home is where you feel at home. I'm still looking"

i'm a restless little soul i guess. a duckweed who longs to have banyan-tree-roots. =) yeah.. i think that appropriately describes me alright! =)

but naming is a sensitive thing. "Naming is a difficult and time-consuming process; it concerns essences, and it means power. But on wild nights who can call you home? Only the one who knows your name." ("Oranges..", another personal 'bible' of sorts)

cycling in cambridge
Tuesday, April 9, 2002
09:28 p.m.

haha... this is a bit of a stoopid title, since i haven't actually been cycling much in cam. more like occasionally i nick my cousin's bike to pop by the town centre to do some shopping. although i was really proud of myself for being able to cycling up the long slope to fitz on gear 5... and sitting down all the way mind you.. not even having to stand up and cycle... that's how fit i've become after czech. haha... have to brag a bit... since i'm so lame normally.. =) although i *did* puff and pant a bit and thought i wasn't gonna make on 5 all the way up.

anyway, cambridge is a really small, cosy little town, and there are just loads of people cycling, and i've had to get used to cycle on narrow streets with cars right next to you (although the drivers here are really sweet and usually make way for cyclists..). so basically, i rather think i'm slightly better prepared to cycle on busy roads, or narrow, crowded streets in future... (i'm already half-planning for my next cycling trip..=))

what i though was really amazing when i first came here was the people and their clothes! i was pretty much proud of myself cos i've started to wear strappy sandals out and about since spring, while i was in london... while most people were still all buttoned up and wearing shoes. in cambridge (which is purportedly colder than london.. i don't see the diff actually, but so there), i saw people shorts and spaghetti straps.... even halter tops (!!) walking about, as bold as you please. and i was like: "you the best!!"

another thing about cambridge and cycling... it's really amusing when you see old fuddy-duddies in coats or jackets zipping around town on bicycles. but that's exactly what you see in cambridge... grey-haired men (who are probably some key expert in some field or another, teaching at cam) all dressed up and proper, cycling on bicycles, along with young undergrads. so cycling is really a great levelling factor... equalises all... great and small....

how's my studying going? er.. not too good. while there are less distractions than london, i still end up chatting with jackie, or wait to use the laptop (there's only one LAN line, hence only one person can surf at one time... oh yeah... i;ve got net connection now)... which is kinda time-wasting too. on the bright side, despite the distractions here... there are still less distractions than in london.. where i heard my friends were intending to go see the queen mother's procession, then they made a trip down to oxford to see a castle, and then there's the cooking every day.... (in cam, jackie is too lazy... so i cook one whole batch of food for one week, then we just pop it into the microwave to heat it up for our meals).. so... it could have been worse.

but cam is a bit small... and rather stifling... esp i see jackie all day long, and i don't know anyone else except for joe, jian yee, and shaun (who's kinda cute)... but i don't really know them, or see hem on a regular basis, besides, their jackie's friends. i know wan xian also (xin min's friend)... but i never see her around....

that's all for now. been learning more CSS and doing some more work on website, although haven't done up the czech cycling pages (content) yet... BUT... i *have* done the styling elements for the czech pages... and even downloaded some images... eg the czech flag and crest.

ciao for now..

in cambridge without internet connection
Wednesday, April 3, 2002
12:41 p.m.

stuck in cambridge now, without internet connection, hence my icq-absence, as well non-development of my site, esp updates on my czech trip. will do it up when i get the net connection fixed

meanwhile, trying to get started on studying... bleah